Christmas Blog!

Good evening campers! You will notice there has been a distinct lack of blogging action recently for which I would like to offer my deepest apologies. My blogging output tends to be in direct proportion to my depression levels and for the last few months I have mainly felt pretty fucking decent!!!

So as you are probably all aware the ex was sentenced to 140 hours community service, a 400 quid fine, 12mths probation and of course told in no uncertain terms to never darken my (owned not rented) doorway ever again! He was deported back down south and I could finally move on with my life!!!

I have to say once I had got through the shitty heartbreak part, Iv actually had a pretty good fucking time! Iv been to Dublin with friends, Paris for my birthday, concerts, parties, a SMALL sprinkling of casual sex just to keep the loins pumping and the main part of all is I realised I'm still FUCKING FABULOUS!

Believe me realising that was no easy task having been under the impression im a nothing for the past year. But realise it I did, and now it takes a LOT to wipe the smile off my face. In fact it's pretty much a hangover that's the only thing that will truly do it!!

Iv been setting myself small goals each month, just stupid stuff like get a new hair cut or redecorate a room and I swear to god that's helped me no end. When I look back over the last few months and see how far Iv come im not ashamed to admit that I'm pretty fucking proud of myself!!

Also a massive huge boost to me is the amount of people who have contacted mean out their own experiences. Iv actively helped 4 different chicks escape their abusive relationships and Iv also found deep long lasting friendships with many more. Almost shedding a proud tear here!

So yeah, everything's fucking awesome! Iv got an amazing support network of friends and family and I am so grateful to have as much love as I do! So no "new year new me" shouts from me kids, I'm staying exactly the bloody same!!! Xxxx

Fully recovered!!!!!

Evening my sexual followers!

Just thought I would catch you up on the life and times of myself as I have not blogged in a while.

I am totally recovered!!!! Seriously when I look back 3 months at just how Ill this whole thing made me I can't believe how far I have come and now I can honestly say to anyone who is reading this blog because they are looking for hope during their own experience that YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and MUCH BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD!!!!

I used to think people that said that to me at the time where full of shit. "What do they know" I'd sob whilst rocking back and forth under my sons Spider-Man blanket and uncontrollably panicing about something I wasn't quite sure about. I thought I would never ever feel normal let alone happy again. I don't think I stopped fidgeting for a good 3 weeks and I would have given ANYTHING for the pain to stop.

Well the pain HAS stopped. It stopped about 6 weeks ago. And I tell you what seeing that horrible nasty woman beating prick get convicted and sentenced was one of the most satisfying moments of my life and now, standing here at the other side of the woods I can strongly say I would do it all again tomorrow. There were times I felt like dropping the charges because it was so painful but I am so glad I didn't now and it was totally 100percent worth it!

For those that don't know he ended up getting 140 hours community service, 12mths probation and 400quid fine of which I get 300 

So since the rebuilding of my life commenced I have so far lost about a stone and got absolutely smoking hot by smashing the gym and eating healthy! I have quit smoking, got a new hair cut and colour, sorted out all my finances, rearranged my furniture, started wearing different clothes and in general just having a more positive outlook!!! Every day I wake up happy and excited for life! Like I feel there is opportunity in every day! I really enjoy helping other people through there own domestic violence experiences as I feel I have turned my own torment around into a positive. And I can't say too much at the minute but Iv got something in the pipe work that could drastically alter my life at the beginning of next year!!

So that's all from me for today! trust your instincts, believe in yourself, take no shit and be whatever you want to be! Xxx

Fully recovered!!!!!

Evening my sexual followers!

Just thought I would catch you up on the life and times of myself as I have not blogged in a while.

I am totally recovered!!!! Seriously when I look back 3 months at just how Ill this whole thing made me I can't believe how far I have come and now I can honestly say to anyone who is reading this blog because they are looking for hope during their own experience that YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and MUCH BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD!!!!

I used to think people that said that to me at the time where full of shit. "What do they know" I'd sob whilst rocking back and forth under my sons Spider-Man blanket and uncontrollably panicing about something I wasn't quite sure about. I thought I would never ever feel normal let alone happy again. I don't think I stopped fidgeting for a good 3 weeks and I would have given ANYTHING for the pain to stop.

Well the pain HAS stopped. It stopped about 6 weeks ago. And I tell you what seeing that horrible nasty woman beating prick get convicted and sentenced was one of the most satisfying moments of my life and now, standing here at the other side of the woods I can strongly say I would do it all again tomorrow. There were times I felt like dropping the charges because it was so painful but I am so glad I didn't now and it was totally 100percent worth it!

For those that don't know he ended up getting 140 hours community service, 12mths probation and 400quid fine of which I get 300 

So since the rebuilding of my life commenced I have so far lost about a stone and got absolutely smoking hot by smashing the gym and eating healthy! I have quit smoking, got a new hair cut and colour, sorted out all my finances, rearranged my furniture, started wearing different clothes and in general just having a more positive outlook!!! Every day I wake up happy and excited for life! Like I feel there is opportunity in every day! I really enjoy helping other people through there own domestic violence experiences as I feel I have turned my own torment around into a positive. And I can't say too much at the minute but Iv got something in the pipe work that could drastically alter my life at the beginning of next year!!

So that's all from me for today! trust your instincts, believe in yourself, take no shit and be whatever you want to be! Xxx

@narcissiticmonst IS NOT ME!!!

Hi guys just a quickie, 

As most of you know I'm being stalked by a crazy guy, overnight he has created a Twitter pretending to be an evil version of myself and is currently using it to tweet random abuse to strangers. I am still @singlegalabto and his actual Twitter account has been suspended. If you have been directed to this blog by the nutter account please accept my apologise, the harrasment was reported to the police a week ago and the sergeant dealing with the case called me last night to say they are taking the matter very seriously they are just waiting for Twitter to release the name and address of the guy so they can go and arrest him.

Sorry once again

Rant!

If in doubt, blog!

This is my blog and it's mainly here for me to vent my frustrations and iv got 2 main ones this evening!

Firstly remember I said I'd emailed soft shite about collecting his stuff and threatening to lash it if he didn't come soon. Well he must have had his nose pushed right out of joint because this afternoon I got a phone call from the police to arrange another date!

I was all in a fluster because id just been to alder hey to have my sons plaster cast cut off and I was in the middle of crossing the road when she called me. So I answered the phone and she was saying about arranging a date and quite frankly I felt her approach was a bit out of order.

I mentioned that I had already given 2 dates which had been ignored and he had also had the whole of the previous 2 months to sort this out and I was feeling like it was stopping me from forgetting all about it still having this crap in my house! So she started saying to me I would get into trouble if I got rid of it and he could take me to small claims court. At which point I said well I'd be happy with that to be honest then I could just write him a cheque and also claim for the phone contract he left me with and then that would be that no need for the trauma of having him in my house but this seemed to displease the lady!

Then she said well he's coming up to Liverpool for the court date on the 13th and wants to collect his stuff then. Now I am out of the country from the 11th to the 15th and when I told her this she was like well won't you have to go to court? So I said no he's already guilty it's just the sentencing and what would I want to go to that for?! So she seemed annoyed that I was going on holiday and as I didn't have my diary with me I wasn't able to confirm any other dates. She said, you are aware he's no longer in the city. So I said yes but that's not my problem what sort or moron leaves the city without collecting his stuff?! So she said well he hasn't been able to because of bail so I said yes he has this has been a condition of bail since day 1 and iv been chasing this up for ages! We left it at that and I later rang back with 5 dates between now and December. 

What the fucking fuck!!! This is over for me now, it's in my past. It's irritating me that it's dragging on and half of me thinks he's doing it coz he knows it still means I have a tie to him. As if he thought he was just going to come up, go to court and then pop in on the way home!! And as for its my responsibility to keep it safe what the fuck am I, storage solutions?!!!! It's not even like its anything good what am I gonna have his light sabre stripped and sold for parts?  I don't think she was familiar with the case and didn't realise he is already GUILTY. Fuck the fuck

 off!

The. His little sister who is only a young girl and therefore I can't really knock commented first on a pic of the 3 of us together with a sad face and then of one of my black eye saying I was out of order for putting it on Instagram. Out of order how exactly? Advertising the fact I had a black eye? It was emblazoned on my fucking face for 3 weeks. Out of order against him? It was out of order to do that to me in the first place. Domestic violence is a complex issue and I can tell you first hand the instinct is to hide away, cover up the bruises, deny the abuse, blame walking into a door. It's embarrassing and scary and uncomfortable and no one really wants to acknowledge it is happening least of all the victim. You don't want people to feel badly against the perpetrator. You make excuses. You are convinced it is your fault. You minimise the abuse saying it was only a shove etc. you are torn between knowing what's wrong and still being in love and hoping for the abuse to pass and the good times to come back. 

I walked into Illamasqua the day after and spent 115 pounds on coverage make up and concealers. It took 4 different products and an hour to fully cover the bruise and took an hour to apply. After about 3 days of doing this just to be able to leave the house I thought dya know what FUCK THIS. This is my face. It is not my fault it looks the way it does and why should I sit and hide away when I have done nothing wrong. I began to face the embarrassment head on. People would ask me what I had done and I would say in a voice which I will fully admit was shaking that I had been kneed in the face by my ex boyfriend while he was in the process of pinning me down to spit in my face. I waited for the pity and the shock. And it came. But more than that came the "good for you's" and the "well done for getting out" and the "you are so brave".

I didn't feel brave. I felt the weakest I had ever felt in my life. Powerless, defenceless and ashamed. Telling people what happened made it impossible for me to ever go back and that was a scary thought as my confidence was so low. But hat was half the reason I did it. If as many people as possible know, even when I'm weak, I still can't go back.

Eventually as time went by I got stronger

Especially through the hypnotherapy sessions I had and eventually I began to post my pics on facebook and Instagram. Think christy mack and rhianna. It got to this weak and I felt unstoppable. The comment from his little sister unsettled me and for a moment the feelings of shame and fear came back. But

Only for a moment

I have done nothing wrong. I am no longer afraid. Domestic Violence needs to be talked about and even if I have inspired just 1 person to find the strength to escape their abusive relationship then that is totally worth it to me.

Never back down xxx

Feeling fiiiiine!!!

Ohhhhh life is good! Life is more than good, life is absolutely frigging wonderful!

Today was meant to be the great trial of the century however due to my exs remarkable change of heart they have adjourned his sentencing until the 13th October while they do a pre-sentencing report. I would imagine he will get sent for life lessons on how to be a normal fucking human being however I know they are looking at his previous assaults on me that he admitted to and also the fact he did this one in front of my son as aggravating factors so who knows and more to the point who fucking gives a shit!

I couldn't give a fuck what he gets to be honest. I got the conviction and the restraining order and he's gone! he's the poor people of londons problem now! Fucking crazy, woman beating, minimum wage earning, fucked up in the head, wouldn't even have teeth if it weren't for me, pedestrian, sweaty bellend! #notar #offyoufuck

Remember I told you the police had rung me saying he wanted his stuff back? Well I suggested 2 dates and needless to say iv heard nothing so iv made the executive decision that this ends here right now today so last night I sent him the following e-mail directly. He's not allowed to reply coz of the bail conditions!!

Now then chris brown,

Police rang me to say you wanted your stuff and asked me for availability. I told them this Sunday just passed or this Wednesday coming. After this Wednesday I will be unavailable until the end of recorded time so you either come for it Wednesday or it is getting disposed of. You have had 2 months to sort this out, I am not a storage facility and one way or another this stuff will be out of my house on Wednesday. I appreciate you have moved to London and would therefore have to travel to collect it, however that is your problem. You should have collected it before you left. So I suggest you either book a train, or learn to live without it.

Tra

Sent from my iPhone

Fucking be arsed with that melt spanning this out another 3 weeks! If he thinks I'm keeping hold of it till the 13th he can fucking think again! Iv towed the line for long enough, he's had plenty of opportunity to come and collect it so he can go and chain himself to the fucking liver buildings for all I care this shit is exiting my house and life tomorrow and that is game over!!

In other news I am proper fucking fit these days, had a cheeky 8st 11 going on on the scales this morning and I'm 5ft 5 so I'm made up with that. Still got some belly fat but I'm going to hammer it next few weeks! Going to Dublin with my mates next month for 48 hours of drunken debauchee you with hot Irish men and stag party's and then my mummy is taking me to Paris in December for my 30th birthday!

To summarise, ding dong the psychos gone, iv awesomed all over the place, I'm jetting off twice before the end of the year and I'm fit as fuck. Just goes to show when your going through hell you just gotta keep going because as soon as your through it, you realise why you did it. Life is gooooood xxx

Back to normality!

This blog is probably going to be boring to you but for me I'm really enjoying the normality of my life now!

I think this shows how much my outlook on life has changed. I get messages off people telling me I'm an inspiration and I'm brave etc. I couldn't have felt more the opposite. It was not too long ago I was cowering under my sons Spider-Man blanket having agrophobia about having to go to asda to get food. I very nearly had my bag packed to go and bang on the door of broadoak and say "can you show me where the wicker baskets are kept, I need to weave a few". Sat in the corner on soroxat, rocking etc etc.

BUT the grim fog has lifted and I am beginning to laugh and smile again!

I'm even enjoying work! Well I wouldn't go that far, more I'm enjoying the banter of my mates there.

There's these 2 lads on my team and just listening to their conversation cracks me up. Charlie said "dya know what he drew yesterday? A picture of him, ejaculating over my kids" so I said eeeeeeeeee!!! And he said "yeah, it was a stick man, with a penis, and a broken dotted wavy line representing jizzum, and then 2 stick kids labeled with my kids names".

So then nick piped up "yeah, only coz Charlie drew an ISIS terrorist holding the severed head of my fiancé". So then Kevin goes "yeah well u are a terrorist", an then he said to me "he was in the ira you know" (nicks Irish).

Totally politically incorrect banter which made me fucking howl!!! Then one of the girls was saying it's her birthday next week and she was fuming coz her family had forgotten and then she said "yeah and if my brothers bird gets me another bottle of fucking ck one she's getting doused in it and set on fire"!

That's the thing about working in an office, you do have a fucking laugh! It feels good to see the funny side of stuff again!!

Went to a law of attraction class last night which encourages people to live positively and use positive thought to attract positive things into your life! I have used this in the past successfully and I have decided this is the way I am going to live my life from now on. I'm sick of being a miserable cunt and so I'm going to actively use the LOA purposefully! Waking up every morning thinking of all I have to be grateful for, visualising what I want every single day and believing that it will happen!!

Iv also drew a little vision board with what I want on it and stuck it by my bed! On the list is a flat stomach, abundance of money, meet someone and have mutual love and respect, passion and commitment, and HAPPINESS!! Il keep you posted on how I get on! Xx

Vic Vic Vic victorious!!

After slowing rebuilding my self esteem and confidence over the last month or so and constantly worrying about the impending trial, I finally got the phone call I had been waiting for on Friday night.

It was ying, my personal witness officer. I thought she was calling to confirm my court visit which was booked in for Tuesday but she literally started the convo with " iv got some great news! He's changed his mind! He's pleading guilty!!"

I nearly screamed down the phone. In fact I think I actually did scream.

"Don't shit me here ying", I said. "Double check and read it again!" So she absolutely assured me it was true. He will still have to go to court on the 23rd to be sentenced but I won't have to be a witness and give evidence. It was like the whole world had just lifted and I was finally free.

And just when I thought I couldn't get any higher, I discovered he's moved back down to London!!! He's working in a bar down there that his mate owns which is fucking hilarious because he hates that mate because he used to send me messages wanting to meet up for a drink! I'm so happy he's gone. Il never bump into him, il never fall into the trap of going back. This is it. It's all over!!

But then in amongst the joy it hit me. This is it. It's over. He's gone. And I felt sad.

I dont know why. I guess I expected him to fight for me. I feel as though he's fucked me over, and literally never spoken another word to be again.

But then I remembered all the shit he's put me through. Cheating on me and telling me it was because I was fat. Strangling me, pulling me down the stairs by my hair, threatening to kill me, forcing me to have an abortion, smashing shit up. The list goes on. And then I thought about him lugging all his worldly possessions through lime street. Pushing his telly on his roller blades. And the hole he must be staying in down there. And it made me smile.

There was a time I thought I wasn't going to make it through this. My confidence and self esteem were shattered. I believed I was fat and mental and no one would ever want me. I blamed myself. But iv beaten this. Not only physically did I get away, but mentally I got away too. I don't love him any more. And I can't tell you how good it feels to say that. Iv done it. Iv beaten this. Iv stood up for myself and not tolerated being abused, iv set an example for my wonderful son and I have fought for justice.

I'd be lying if I said id done this all by myself. I massively cheated and had hypnotherapy which if anyone needs similar assistance was provided by Kathleen Pythian who is at 88 Rodney Street in town. It's expensive but worth every fucking penny for the difference it made to my life. 

Also I'm glad in a way he's left now before the sentencing. His leaving was always going to be a difficult moment even in spite of everything it's still a finality if you get me. And iv already come to terms with that. So the only thing that's left is to see him get sentenced which I believe will be a massively satisfying moment.

I'm a bit concerned he's not going to turn up for the sentencing to be honest. I really hope he's not that stupid but I guess wel find out on the 23rd.

He battered his ex girlfriend when she was 6 months pregnant with his child. He battered his sister. And he battered me. There is no question in my mind he will go on to do it again. It sounds strange but in relieved it won't be a Scouse girl next. I would feel guilty for inflicting this monster on the Scouse republic. And of course now I can 100percent say with certainty that the next time he strangles someone, spits in their face, gives them a black eye. IT WONT BE ME. Stay strong and never back down. Single gal 1, gobshite nil xxx

It's a miracle!!!

Something very fucking strange has happened here boys and girls. It would appear, after 5 weeks of hell and from being at the brink of being ready to section myself.....I am through the tunnel....

I would describe this breakup as being the most horrific of rollercoasters. The sort of rollercoaster designed by saddam Hussein with the sole purpose of crushing a persons fucking soul. It's been grim.

But then something happened. Since Thursday I have been I explicably been smiling, happy and noticing fit dudes again. The punched in the stomach feeling has gone and even if I concentrate on thinking about twat features Chris Brown wannabe, I don't seem to give a shit any more.

Last night I had a random dream that my mate Natalie came in the gym and got me and took me put drinking with Danielle Lloyd (my current idol, kind of like a fellow fucked over hot bird. Except she's doing it with dignity whereas iv had several fairly serious mental breakdowns). And also Nancy off hollyoaks (been watching a lot of it, just roll with me here).

So anyway yeah the 4 of us in his dream went out drinking and then "the mistake" as he is hereafter known popped up and we ended up getting back together.....I swear to god I woke up in a cold sweat because I was terrified it was true and was absolutely relieved to find it was only a dream and I was flying solo in the kingsize.

Do you hear that motherfuckers? I was RELIEVED it wasn't true!

Maybe it's because I have refrained from getting off my tits since bank holiday and perhaps my doom was all party related but I don't think it's that.

Actually. I have a confession to make. I have massively cheated in my recovery process. Wait for it....I went to see a hypnotherapist.

Now before you all start taking the piss might I point out i have had 2 sessions and I am a completely different fucking person. And I mean COMPLETELY different. It's to the point where I am almost forgetting that I was ever heartbroken. And when I try and think about sad things like he cheated on my, he battered me, he criminally damaged my stuff and was In general a fucking arsehole.....it doesn't seem to bother me. I keep waiting for the punched in the stomach feeling to come or the fast heart rate and the breathlessness.....nada. It's like it just fell out of my head.

I fucking hope that is the case because let me tell you the 2 and a half years of emotional and psychological abuse that tit subjected me to is a million times harder to shake off than any of the physical stuff. Bruises fade, compressed (I can't spell the proper word right so I'm gonna go with...) food pipey thing in ya throats heal (even if it did take 4 months and it felt like I was swallowing a piece of Lego during that time) but the damage done to my mind where horrific and i was worried perhaps may be permanent.

But nope I feel fucking great. And now all that's left is to strut my stuff in court 3 weeks tomorrow and then that tit will be a nothing but a vague memory.

What a fucking winner x

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Reasons why being single is alright

Just compiling a list of the benefits I have discovered now I no longer live with an abusive prick.

1. I am about 600quid a month better off now I am not supporting him, which i have spent on a new pair of loubi's just because I fucking can.

2. I can watch whatever I want on telly without the remote being commando'd.

3. There is not a sweaty bastard on my couch playing fucking playstation for hours on end while I go to work.

4. No one has spat at me, strangled me or hurt me physically in anyway for 6 weeks

5. I have not had to fake a single orgasm

6. I can go out and get pissed whenever I want without anyone having a tantrum (never went out with my mates the entire time I was with him).

7. I can starfish the kingsize til my hearts content

8. I can plan girly holidays without a kick off.

9. I am safe in the knowledge my house that I bought and paid for myself is safe and won't get damaged again

10. I'm blogging again!

Yes that will do, 10 reasons life is better. Operation stay sober for a month is in full swing and I have to say I am feeling a LOT better. After what turned out to be a very heavy bank holiday weekend I found myself in the depths of a comedown which lasted the full week. I was about ready to pack myself a bag and take myself off to broadoak. My mother had been googling "bipolar disorder" and everything.

So as boring as it is, it is in the name of mental health that I must remain sober. At least for a month anyway until I am through this fucking trial. Oh the trial. The very word irritates me. Still pisses me off that he has pleaded not guilty and I am mentally prepared now that is he going to maintain this plea and take to the witness stand preaching that I am a crazy psychopath heroin addict pimp who brutally attacked him with a feather duster whilst riding a unicorn and he just had to give me a black eye to defend himself from the onslaught. What fucking ever. Not arsed any more what shit he spouts, I think iv said before the outcome of the trial is irrelevant to me. It won't affect me because he will no longer be anywhere near me. Granted it would be nice to see him finally held accountable for his actions. And he has attacked his sister plus his 6month pregnant ex girlfriend before me so there is no question in my mind he will go on to do it to the next poor cow that falls for his pathetic charm. This is his problem. He is very charming but he has nothing to back it up. Hel be 27 in November and from what I can gather he's living in some studentesque room on minimum wage with no driving licence and no hope of that ever changing. I think this is why he is the way he is but who cares we could psychoanalyse him all day. He is dangerous and that's the bottom line.

As for me I think I am starting to regain my mojo and I just hope that once this judge judy saga is out the way I can put this tit behind me and concentrate on finding an actual man with a decent job and a car and most of all RESPECT. No more shoppin in poundland for a fella, soz Abar you. No tar, ta ra, be gone 💋 xx


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Plan!

Ok I need to come up with a plan to sort my shit out here because I'm ready to admit myself to the priory and quite frankly I can't afford 6k a week regardless of how fucking tranquil it is there.

Right so the plan. I need to start doing things I enjoy. And sadly, as much as I truly enjoy getting twatted, I have decided that this is about 50percent of my problem. Therefore number 1 on the plan list is no intoxication whatsoever until probably the end of the year. Well....for a few weeks at least.

Ok so no we have banned all getting shit faced I need to try and rediscover what exactly it is that I enjoy?

So far iv come up with going to the gym, dancing, looking pretty and laughing.

Iv also realised that Russell brand may be onto a winner with his meditation and inner peace so I think the plan is going to involve upping my gym useage, yoga, maybe join that meditation Buddhist class place (try new things?), Erm dance lessons? And, well, laughing I guess I could read some funny books or something. Comedy club? Oh I don't fucking know.

This is a very sketchy plan at this stage but I'm going to try and stick to it.


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Crisis

It would appear I have been on somewhat of a roller coaster these past few months, and I have come to realise today it is the biggest most scariest roller coaster I have ever been on In my life.

The most irritating part of this god forsaken ride is that just when you think it's levelled out and your nearly at the safe bit, there will be another even bigger scarier drop that comes from nowhere, and it is at the bottom of that bastard which I find myself today.

I saw him on Friday. I went out for drinks and he was over the road in a bar. He saw me. He came outside 5 times to look at me. I couldn't tell if it was a look of apologetic longing or a look of angry murder.

And this simple thing has sent me plummeting to depths I have never been to before.

People who do not understand about domestic violence ask innocently "why do you stay", "I don't get it". I can answer that question with great ease. The relationship completely chips away at your self worth, your self esteem, and your mind.
To the point that this absolutely excruciating pain I am suffering now and have been continuously for 5 weeks is just simply not worth it. It is easier to put up with the relationship and have periods of happiness than to go through the total trauma of ending it and having court cases and police and having no real way of coming to terms with anything because you are ripped out of the situation with no discussion, no answers, and no strength.

As a rational person I can still see that is probably the best way and when I come to the end of this journey I will ultimately realise it was the best way and that better days are ahead. But right now I would give anything to make this pain stop.

My mind is racing. I can't cobble together a rational thought.

Currently in my head are screams of "he spit at you, he strangled you, he forced you to have an abortion, he loved you, you miss him, you were happy, he called you fat, he cheated on you, he used you, you miss him"... Constantly 24hours a day. It's been like that since about last Monday. Right out of nowhere as I had been feeling a lot better up until then.

If you can imagine your mind being like that constantly, it might make more sense when I say I don't know how to make it stop or what to do. I am breathless and panicky because of the relentless craziness in my wonky little brain!

Plan is to ride it out for a couple of days. Went to my mums but had to come home coz she was pissed off with amount of sniffing I was doing In between muffled sobs. Everyone's getting fed up of me now. And this is where it could get dangerous for me as I will probably start to pretend like everything's fine again whilst at the same time withdrawing from all interaction with anyone.

Dear fucking god. If anyone has suffered from depression I would be interested in your comments as this is the worst iv ever felt in my whole life!


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A month has gone by...

Haven't written a blog in 10 days. From feeling fairly positive at the last blog my mind fell rather spectacularly to pieces. I believe I can attribute this to going out and getting fucking shitfaced the weekend before last.

Cut a long story short I ended up spending the evening with a dude I hadn't seen since school. My mate who I had gone out with had rather dramatically taken the knock in circo and ended up having to be escorted home by moi. I roped a lad in to help me get her home as she lives in a top floor flat with no lift and was I SHITE dragging her up the stairs but that's another story.

So anyway I put her to bed and then sat in her living room with my knight in shining armour and we spent the rest of the evening drinking her booze. Could have quite easily shagged him. But I didn't. If I had have done I would only be doing it to prove a point to myself.... You know the "haha get on me with a new cock" sort of carry on. Let's be honest I could go out and find someone to shag right now if I really wanted to. In the past a simple scroll through the friends list followed by a cheeky message on facebook has been known to scratch an itch on more than one occasion. But the last thing I want right now is casual meaningless sex with a lad I basically ignored for 7years, or as it turned out 5 years because I didn't even notice he left at 16. in the end I let him kip on my mates sofa and I went to bed.

The next morning I woke up...well I say the next morning I didn't get to bed until 6 and this was about half 9.....with the overwhelming feeling of "I want my mummy". The parental had rather selfishly, and in true pensioner style, buggered off to Shrewsbury of all fucking places because apparently they have a show on and I have family there. I was invited to go to this and in hindsight it probably would have been better for me but hey ho I digress.

So I text mummy dearest and asked her what time she would be home. Then I text stated that I was going to come over. And then I text again and asked her if she thought she would be home by 1pm. I triple text my mother. The poor woman must have sensed I was close to a breakdown and, presumably fearing I would slash my wrists, promptly hotfooted it in her fiat punto up the a49 and was back on Scouse soil by 11. What a woman.

I deposited my date for the night back in town where I found him and went straight to my mums where I proceeded to get under the duvet and sob quiet yet incredibly snotty tears. She came over to me and rubbed my back and asked me what had set me off and I simply told her I didn't know. She comforted me, and then said "look this will make you feel better.... CBS reality has got back to back judge judys on all day". And she was right, I did perk up a little.

I went to sleep about 7pm having had no sleep the previous night but alas when I awoke the next day the world seemed just as shit and I am afraid I was stuck In the deep depression obyss for 4, yes count them, FOUR, fucking days.

Friday came around and I went out for drinks with a friend I used to work with who has recently been through a similar situation. I say similar, hers was actually a lot fucking worse, but I can't tell you how helpful it was to see someone recovered further down the line from me. It also helped me get back in the frame of mind of, hang on, he's a fucking horrible nasty abusive cunt. So I felt much better on Friday and indeed have felt pretty much alright ever since. The odd wave of sadness now as again but touch would seem to be a lot more calm now.

3 main realisations have come now the fog has lifted.

1. The outcome of the trial has no bearing on my life whatsoever. Therefore there is not point in worrying about it
2. I did not love him. I loved the potential of what he could be rather than the reality of what he is (an abusive prick who's got skinny arms and legs)
3. I am still hot



Having said that I did decide to paint my sons bedroom navy blue today which probably isn't the most normal of colours to pick to paint a wall but who gives a fuck. It kept me occupied and I just hope in years to come we can smile and laugh about the time mummy was so fucked in the head she went mental with the dulux and painted a tardis.

Got to laugh ain't ya x x x


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Recognising abuse

This blog is all about how to recognise if your partner is an abusive gobshite. We all know that gobshites are rife, but how do you know if your gobshite is just a run of the mill cheater/liar/pisshead or if there are more sinister undertones which could ultimately result in your brutal murder?

The lady from the domestic violence charity came out with a "recognise the signs" booklet thing today and let me tell you boys and girls it was quite an eye opener. As I have said I have played down the abuse in my head and have wondered at times if I am being a drama queen as I suspect many in an abusive relationship have done themselves, so I am going to share with you the signs of domestic abuse. The ones with stars by them are the ones I have experienced

First up we have

PHYSICAL ABUSE

Punching/hitting you
Head butting you
*Spitting at/on you
Bound and/or gagged you
*Restraining you (ie holding you down*
Jumped up and down on
*Strangled/choked
*Pulling your hair/dragging you by your hair
*squeezing/ shaking/ shoving you
*using weapons/implements to hurt or scare you
*breaking bones
Burning you
Stabbed or cut
*Suffocated
*grabbing/throwing/pushing you
Abusing family pets
Biting you
*Locking you in or out of house or car
Force feeding you or withholding food
*reckless driving to frighten you
Pinching/nipping
Poisoning you
Shooting at you
Cutting off your hair
Running you over
Denying you of medical attention
Getting you tattooed
Taking your glasses/aid off you
Death/murder
Trapping fingers in a door
*Grabbing by the throat
*Destroying your property
*Criminal damage
*forcing you to have an abortion

Now out of the 34 behaviours listed here (and this list is by no means exhaustive) I had experienced 14 of them. Drama queen my fucking arse.

Next up we have a just as harmful VERBAL ABUSE

*name calling/swearing at you
*constant insults
*nasty hurtful comments
*criticising
*correcting everything you say
*refusing to listen to what you have to say
*silence/sulking
*not allowing you to have a voice or opinion
*only engaging in conversation when they choose
*blocking and diverting when you talk
*screamin and shouting at you
Leaving nasty messages notes texts phone or fb
*Laughing/making fun of you
*Withholding discussion approval and appreciation
*sneering at you
*shaming and humiliating you in front of others with put downs disguised as jokes


Now here I had experienced all bar one (the nasty texts/messages/ahem er blogs were always more my area)

Nasty hurtful comments would include calling me fat. He even cheated on me once citing "you got fat" as the reason.

It took me a year to realise I wasn't fat and he was in fact an abusive cunt but you can imagine the way my self esteem and confidence felt after that


The next one is what I would consider to be the worst of them all EMOTIONAL ABUSE

*telling you or making you think you are crazy
*playing mind games
*saying it was your fault they did it
* threatening suicide
*blaming the abuse on jealousy afraid you will go off with someone else
*making you feel sorry for them crying etc saying they are stressed
*minimising the abuse (it was only...)
*threats (if you leave me il get the kids taken off you etc)
hiding your phone/keys etc
Telling you he only does it because
He loves you
Exhaustion not allowing you to sleep.



Emotional and verbal abuse are the ones that fuck with your head the most and leave the long lasting scars that no one can say and can take years to heal.

We also have FINANCIAL ABUSE

Controlling all the money
Not allowing you to see statements
Withholding money/cards
Preventing you from getting a job
Putting bills in your name and then not paying
Not allowing you to have own bank account
Giving you an allowance which is not enough
Making you account for every penny you spend
*Not paying bills but spending money on themselves
Not working themselves but force you out to work
Forcing you to commit crime for money
*Stealing money from you



SPIRITUAL ABUSE

Preventing you from practising your beliefs
Forced marriage
Forcing the kids to be their religion without ur consent
Forcing you to go against ur beliefs
Using religion as an excuse for abuse
Arrange marriage
Femal genital mutilation

And finally SEXUAL ABUSE

Sex on demand
Forced to watch or re enact porn
Making you do things u don't wanna do
Violent hurtful sadistic sex
Making you feel guilty when your not in the mood
Sex that causes injury
Taking pics against ur will
Rape
*Name calling frigid whore slut slag
*excessive jealousy
Keeping you preggers
Unwanted touching
Sexual assault
Forcing you to do group sex etc
Forcing sex after physical assault
Forced use of objects
Forcing you to strip or stripping you
Giving you an std
*accusing you of dressing like a slut to attract other men
*accusing you of flirting or cheating





Now the last 3 I didn't get much of. I was never in danger of financial abuse on account of the fact I am a self sufficient home owning car owning fucking super queen and he is a minimum wage barman with no hope. Spirituality never came into it and let's face it we all know I'm a horny bastard and would enjoy sex in any capacity but you get the picture.

All of the above are WRONG and you should NOT ACCEPT it.

I saw a quote somewhere that said you can't make people respect you but you can choose not to be disrespected. So if you recognise any of the behaviours in your gobshite then the red flags are there and I would strongly advise you to abandon that fucking ship as fast as your princess heels will carry you


Xxx

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A new chapter

Wednesday- 3 weeks since the incident.

He only went and pleaded not fucking guilty didn't he. Not. Fucking. Guilty.

Words can't express the fewwwwmage that I have experienced these last few days, however in a way this is just what I needed to show me in fuck technicolor what an arrogant cocky twat this prick actually is.

What fairy story is he possibly going to come up with in court?

I spent Friday pacing around the house and then invited my friends over to drink copious amounts of wine and discuss at length what an absolute gobshite we are dealing with here. Decided I'm going to get #justiceforsinglegal wrist bands made. Colour co-ordinate all of my supporters in the court. Maybe release some fucking balloons outside. Fuck this cunt. Fuck him and fuck anyone that's got the remotest sympathy for him.

Police reckon this is a tactic used by gobshites in the hope I won't turn up in court to give evidence or I will drop the charges. Am I fuck dropping the charges. I'm going to have my day in court and finish this little power ranger off. In my drunken rage I screenshotted the messages I had off his ex telling me he beat her up when she was 6 months pregnant and sent it to him. Oops sorry was that a can opening and worms flying everywhere? Said to him you have been knocking women around for years just because no one has reported you in the past doesn't mean you are getting away with it.

Shouldn't have done it really but it just felt so good.

Spent the weekend in my pyjamas watching Scandal on sky box sets (god send) and being hysterical. Noticed he has become friends with his ex girlfriend (not the one he battered) and also another girl he used to shag who looks like she was born in a fucking fire. Seriously, think a Halloween witch crossed with an Afghan hound. So he is literally reaching out to anything with a fanny now. Love me love me give me validation. Fuck off and die you wanker.

On Monday I made an executive decision to rejoin the gym. Physical exercise releases endorphins plus it's wall to wall cock in there so it seemed like a step forward.

And today I made the big decision to ask the police to enforce the restraining order as part of the sentencing. So that's it now he will never be able to contact me ever again. I'm a little sad about this however I'm fed up of following my heart, my heart is a wanker. So it has been put on mute and iv decided to listen to my head instead. So he and his family have been blocked on facebook and so all that is left to do is get through court on 23rd September and have his belongings removed from my house.

Went to see the psychic last night and fuck me it was unreal. Was very sceptical but from the outset she was amazing. Told me my nan was there and she could see a relationship has ended in a terrible way. Asked me if I was getting divorced and when I said no she said well I can see this ending in a court with solicitors? She said she could sense violence and abuse and other stuff she knew my mate had chicken pox even though she had just literally text me to tell me that as I was walking up the path. And that I had bought myself a bunch of flowers and that I had rejoined the gym and literally just loads of mad stuff. It has made me feel so much more positive she was telling me that my nan was fuming and to stay strong and she knew about a dream I had had when I was 16 it was just unbelievable. She also told me that I just need to get through September and then amazing things are going to happen to me. And before I went in all she had was my first name. So believe what you want but this woman has given me the strength to see a future for myself and has given me so much comfort. I went out for lunch with my mum today and I can feel myself slowly returning back. Phoenix from the ashes. Fuck yeah #fistpump

X x x


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Rant!

Why, the FUCK, do exes that have repeatedly fucked you over in every way possible, just continue to live and breathe as if that's perfectly acceptable.

They should all be put on a boat, banished to the island of lost men, and then blown up.

This morning, I woke up to a facebook notification off some slag he shagged right at the beginning of our relationship.
Is
She
Fuckin
MESSING

Do you know what this tells me? This tells me this absolute fucking gobshite is messaging every girl he's ever fucked in the hope of getting validation and making himself feel better and probably telling all and sundry I am a crank or whatever. And then one of said skanks decides to type my name into that search bar an fucking FACEBOOK ME

Fewwwwwwwwmin

I can't express the lividness that poured out of me at 8am this morning. Messaged him, asked him if he was messin. Blocked her, she's defo not messin. And then sobbed.

And screamed a bit

And then had overwhelming urge to just sort of peel my face off and rip it up.

My marbles, that had started to leak out slowly and steadily 2 weeks ago, where now haemorraging everywhere all over the floor and I was skidding on them like bambi on Ice.

Rang work, told them I had gone mad. They were very supportive actually. This is the repayment for being an excellent worker for 10years I can't thank them enough. And then I went to the doctors for a sick note. Explained through my hysterical tears that I was mental and that I didn't feel like my anti depressants where working and they told me that apparently they take about 2-3 weeks to work and I will feel worse during that period before I would feel better.

Are they fucking messin an all???? Give a person who's teetering on the edge of sanity pills that will make them worse?!!! I had 2 choices. Take the peeler to my face, or just go home and retreat until these god damn pills start to lift my mood.

Had numerous irrational thoughts over the past few days including buying a dog, moving back in with my mother, becoming a vegan, and peeling off my face. I have also decided booked an appointment to go and see a psychic which is almost laughable however if I pay some woman called willow 35quid to tell me I'm going to be happy and I believe it then as far as I'm concerned it's money well spent.

Feel like I'm drowning in this horrific situation and am scared he is going to plead not guilty and put me through a trial. I'm scared of what happens when it is all over and I have nothing to stress about other than the sad realisation that I am alone.

In general, I'm a fucking miserable bastard and I don't see any sign whatsoever of that ever changing.


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But he didn't hit me.....

The first time there was anything to raise a red flag about was about July last year. We had been drinking and arguing about something and nothing and he grabbed me by my throat and screamed in my face. I put it down to a drunken barney. Everyone does things they don't mean when they are drunk right?

A few weeks later I was down in London visiting him. We had 4 very story over proof cocktails in camden where he was working and then we got the tube home. During the tube ride we started arguing about my relationship with one of our mutual friends in the past and when we got off the tube he slammed me against the barrier wall cracking my face against the metal.

A passerby stopped to ask if I was ok and through my tears I said I was and ran away.

I ran down the stairs towards his flat and he ran after me, throwing his phone that was on my contract and smashing it to smithereens.

I was trying to get to the flat to get my stuff. He stopped me, told me to calm down and I was acting crazy. We got in, went upstairs to his room where I began to pack my things. The details of what happened next are hazy but I was pushed to the floor, called a slag, a whore, he spat in my face. He slammed me so hard against the bed that the frame broke. He took my belongings and through them out of the house and then came back up for me. He grabbed me by my leg and my hair and dragged me halfway down the stairs and then stopped and put his hands around my throat so tightly that I couldn't breathe or scream. While he was doing that I had enough time to think to myself who will find me when I am dead. Who will look for me, who will notice I am missing. He went to the kitchen and got a knife and threatened to stab me if I left. I ran to my car and he got in beside me and told me he would call the police and report me for drink driving if I left. He cried, he apologised, he begged me to stay. I was alone in London with no where to go. So I stayed.

He cried all the next day and apologised but said he never hit me


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Epiphany!

Totally had a moment of clarity this evening from one of my fucking fabulous followers. Had a lot of messages from girls who've been through abusive relationships which makes me feel like I'm not alone but this little gorgeous genius said to me something along the lines of I'm feeling like shit and missing him because he still has control over me.

It was all about fucking CONTROL

Over ME!

I'm overjoyed and livid with myself at the same time. As IF I'm sat here crying my eyes out over some guy that basically was trying to control me and coz he couldn't he felt the need to belittle me in the only way that would defo work...physically.

He was working in Jennys bar in town I can say that now he's been sacked but anyway he was on shit money and so I was paying for everything and he was living in my house and I got him everything he had. Like bank account and phone contract and even took him the dentist to get his teeth fixed as he'd had his front 2 broken in a barney years ago.

He wouldn't even have fucking teeth if it wasn't for me. And the cheeky twat had the cheek to sit there and say HE felt controlled. He's out of fucking control that one.

I feel so much better this evening but I'm not sure if that's just the Valium but sweet lord above we have had a moment of clarity. Control. Yeah well control me now dipshit and watch what happens x


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Meltdown

Sunday

So I went out on Friday night, downed 3 bottles of wine and didn't get to bed until 6am. Worst. Mistake. Ever.

Spent yesterday suicidal. Spoke to his mum to ask why she deleted me and she said it was coz she didn't want him asking things about me and so by deleting me if she didn't know things she couldn't tell him. Tell him fucking what? That I'm a mess. He already knows.

He lost his job at the cocktail bar. Presumably because of this. Filled with guilt about that. And apparently he's moving into a flat tomorrow. Feel lost and out of control that I don't know where he is living or working. Thought he might have gone back down to London but it sounds like he's got another job up here and he is staying. Had a quick look on his fb on my mates profile because she's still friends with him and there are a lot of statuses about being in terrible pain and emptiness so it seems he's just as fucked as me.

For those who read my previous blogs the dude in question is Andy. Remember Andy? Yes well he ended up moving up here to be with me and all was great apart from a couple of occasions where he assaulted me.

I got in my car still in my pyjamas and came to my mums where I sobbed continuously for 3 hours with her rubbing my back. Have been trying to hide all this from her but simply couldn't do it any longer. I'm still here.

Dreading work tomorrow. I have a choice I can either go get signed off with depression or attempt to soldier on but right now the thought of leaving the safety of my mums fills me with dread.

Tried to go on that tinder to see if I could find any nice boys but seem to have just been bombarded with messages from all sorts of probably very nice boys but just I'm not interested at all. Very worrying state of mental ness at the moment. Can't seem to rouse myself into action or see any sort of future for myself.

Sent one message to this lad that used to stalk me yesterday when I was pissed in the morning and he bombarded me with texts all day. I only sent hello. He's got a bird tho which is why I never bothered with him last year and it would appear he's still got one




Idea that men are all gobshites reinforced right there.

Fucked up


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Deteriorating!!!!!

Friday 25th
Ciggies shit loads
Food intake 12 cocktail sausages
Drugs 1 x anti d

I'm starting to piss myself off now. Had big plans to take my son out for the day but he point blank refused to leave the house preferring to sit in on his iPad. On reflection that seems to have been a good shout from the 7 year old because those fucking giants looked like the gatekeepers of hell and in general it's been far too hot to move.

I woke up alright to be fair, no punched in the stomach feeling of despair or anything but by about 10.30 that had gone and I took to my bed with little dramatic tears falling silently down my cheeks like you see on adverts.

Then, during my weakest moment I did the stupidest thing I could possibly have done and sent him a message on facebook. Told him I missed him and that he needed to get help for his issues.

Someone just punch me in the face

He's read it but he didn't reply of course, he can't because of his bail conditions. Either that or he's shagged his way around the business district bars by now. Hate thinking of him banging about.

This is the thing about abusive relationships. Well mine anyway. For the most part they are happy loving and fun. Be different if I actively hated him and was joyful that it's over but even after everything I still love him. And i know it must be over and it fucking is just the biggest shitter ever.

I'm just getting ready to go to Gateacre and have a dinner and beer garden situation with one of my bezzies. I say dinner, I can't keep any food down so I will probably push something around my plate and then down shit loads of wine.

This is what scares me the most. I'm single, almost 30 and skint and also fairly significantly fucked up. No one is going to want me now apart from weirdos. Fuck it I'm getting a vodka now while I get ready.




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Drowning

Thursday 24th July
Ciggies - 15
Drugs anti d and Valium
Food intake 1x muesli 1x ice cream 5x grapes 2x bottles of sprite


Swerved work again today. Reckon I need a few days to regroup. Woke up this morning feeling very sad. I hate waking up alone. I spent the majority of my 20s single. It was fun flitting about off on holiday all the time and having boy fun but looking back it appears it was basically
Full of twats messing me around. The big 30 is winking at me menacingly now.
I'm ready to settle down now
With a nice normal grown up man with a proper job and a bank account and intelligence. Where the fuck is he?! My ex told me id never get anyone else. He said id find people that want to fuck me and that's it. Think he might be right.

My exs mum has deleted me off facebook. That hurt. She had always been supportive of me in the past as he had threatened her before and also attacked his sister. She hasn't been supportive this time. I think he must have spoken to her before I had a chance to. God knows what he's telling people. I put photos up of me out on Saturday night and my black eye was clearly visible. People then obviously started commenting and I'm wondering if she saw the comments and couldn't take it. Who knows anyway but I feel like he's making out it's my fault.

Decided to leave the house so went down to otterspool. Fucking 30p extra for a flake in my 99er!! Sat by the river and started to hear Ella Henderson "ghost" in my head. Concluded I was a sad act and returned home to the sofa. Resisted overwhelming urge to go to the bar where he works to see him and sob so that's a positive. Fuck me this is vile.

Been watching a lot of judge judy. I like the way she tells gobshites that they are vile. The problem with my current situation is that I'm spending a lot of time alone. Wish all of my friends would give up their jobs and come and sit with me and fan me down. Iv got plans all weekend though so hopefully that will be better. Also been left right in shit street financially since I don't have his (pitiful) money coming in so iv organised some work on the side being an extra in hollyoaks. Mad isn't it. Going to be hanging around the hollyoaks hunks and even that can't excite me. Are there even any hunks in hollyoaks? Don't even watch it. Be my luck to get there and it be full of geriatric fat men that piss themselves. I'm sure they do a fit blokes off hollyoaks calendar though so here's hoping.

Weight plummeting. This raises a small smile. Gonna drop another Valium and go to bed soon as Thursday has royally sucked sweaty arse x


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Feel like fucking shite

Weds 23rd July
Cigarettes 27
Drugs 1x Valium and 1x anti depressant
Food intake 1x bowl of muesli, 1 x slice of toast 5x grapes 5x cans diet coke

It's been 7 days since the man I loved pinned me down, spat in my face and in doing so kneed me in the face causing a rather spectacular shiner.

I'm fucking livid over the whole debarcle

Iv spent the last week richoceting between uncontrollable anger and dark deep despair!

I'm not going to go into vivid detail of the whole incident in this entry because quite frankly I am boring the shit out of myself talking about it but the upshot of it is he has moved out of my house and under bail conditions not to contact me.

Today is day 7. It's been quite shit to be honest. The suns pissing me off for a start. I want it to be raining and miserable so I can lie on the sofa staring at the telly pretending to watch it and looking dramatic and forlorn out of the window with a depressing musical overlude playing. Instead I can't seem to control the urge to tidy the fucking house.

Iv never had a tidy house. It's always been sort of chaos on account of my busy hectic lifestyle of being fabulous. But then I moved my fella in and while I failed miserably at being a domestic goddess while he was here, now he's gone I can't stop fucking hoovering.

Something has gone drastically wrong In my life.

This is not the first time he has been arrested for assaulting me. And I am damn fucking sure he's put his hands on my for the last time. However there is some sort of gremlin in my stomach whispering "you miss him!" Everytime I have a quiet moment. Which today has been a lot. The proper singlegalabto would have dismissed that gremlin as a pathetic whiney gobshite yet somehow I have become said pathetic whiney gobshite. Must stop being a fanny with immediate effect.

Xxx


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