Rant!

If in doubt, blog!

This is my blog and it's mainly here for me to vent my frustrations and iv got 2 main ones this evening!

Firstly remember I said I'd emailed soft shite about collecting his stuff and threatening to lash it if he didn't come soon. Well he must have had his nose pushed right out of joint because this afternoon I got a phone call from the police to arrange another date!

I was all in a fluster because id just been to alder hey to have my sons plaster cast cut off and I was in the middle of crossing the road when she called me. So I answered the phone and she was saying about arranging a date and quite frankly I felt her approach was a bit out of order.

I mentioned that I had already given 2 dates which had been ignored and he had also had the whole of the previous 2 months to sort this out and I was feeling like it was stopping me from forgetting all about it still having this crap in my house! So she started saying to me I would get into trouble if I got rid of it and he could take me to small claims court. At which point I said well I'd be happy with that to be honest then I could just write him a cheque and also claim for the phone contract he left me with and then that would be that no need for the trauma of having him in my house but this seemed to displease the lady!

Then she said well he's coming up to Liverpool for the court date on the 13th and wants to collect his stuff then. Now I am out of the country from the 11th to the 15th and when I told her this she was like well won't you have to go to court? So I said no he's already guilty it's just the sentencing and what would I want to go to that for?! So she seemed annoyed that I was going on holiday and as I didn't have my diary with me I wasn't able to confirm any other dates. She said, you are aware he's no longer in the city. So I said yes but that's not my problem what sort or moron leaves the city without collecting his stuff?! So she said well he hasn't been able to because of bail so I said yes he has this has been a condition of bail since day 1 and iv been chasing this up for ages! We left it at that and I later rang back with 5 dates between now and December. 

What the fucking fuck!!! This is over for me now, it's in my past. It's irritating me that it's dragging on and half of me thinks he's doing it coz he knows it still means I have a tie to him. As if he thought he was just going to come up, go to court and then pop in on the way home!! And as for its my responsibility to keep it safe what the fuck am I, storage solutions?!!!! It's not even like its anything good what am I gonna have his light sabre stripped and sold for parts?  I don't think she was familiar with the case and didn't realise he is already GUILTY. Fuck the fuck

 off!

The. His little sister who is only a young girl and therefore I can't really knock commented first on a pic of the 3 of us together with a sad face and then of one of my black eye saying I was out of order for putting it on Instagram. Out of order how exactly? Advertising the fact I had a black eye? It was emblazoned on my fucking face for 3 weeks. Out of order against him? It was out of order to do that to me in the first place. Domestic violence is a complex issue and I can tell you first hand the instinct is to hide away, cover up the bruises, deny the abuse, blame walking into a door. It's embarrassing and scary and uncomfortable and no one really wants to acknowledge it is happening least of all the victim. You don't want people to feel badly against the perpetrator. You make excuses. You are convinced it is your fault. You minimise the abuse saying it was only a shove etc. you are torn between knowing what's wrong and still being in love and hoping for the abuse to pass and the good times to come back. 

I walked into Illamasqua the day after and spent 115 pounds on coverage make up and concealers. It took 4 different products and an hour to fully cover the bruise and took an hour to apply. After about 3 days of doing this just to be able to leave the house I thought dya know what FUCK THIS. This is my face. It is not my fault it looks the way it does and why should I sit and hide away when I have done nothing wrong. I began to face the embarrassment head on. People would ask me what I had done and I would say in a voice which I will fully admit was shaking that I had been kneed in the face by my ex boyfriend while he was in the process of pinning me down to spit in my face. I waited for the pity and the shock. And it came. But more than that came the "good for you's" and the "well done for getting out" and the "you are so brave".

I didn't feel brave. I felt the weakest I had ever felt in my life. Powerless, defenceless and ashamed. Telling people what happened made it impossible for me to ever go back and that was a scary thought as my confidence was so low. But hat was half the reason I did it. If as many people as possible know, even when I'm weak, I still can't go back.

Eventually as time went by I got stronger

Especially through the hypnotherapy sessions I had and eventually I began to post my pics on facebook and Instagram. Think christy mack and rhianna. It got to this weak and I felt unstoppable. The comment from his little sister unsettled me and for a moment the feelings of shame and fear came back. But

Only for a moment

I have done nothing wrong. I am no longer afraid. Domestic Violence needs to be talked about and even if I have inspired just 1 person to find the strength to escape their abusive relationship then that is totally worth it to me.

Never back down xxx