Good evening my lovelies
I am compelled to blog tonight on the advice of my therapist! (Well I am supposed to be keeping a daily diary but I thought what the hell I'll blog this fucker).
So.
Life has been pretty much perfect recently. Like literally could not be going better. I am IN LOVE with my new student life and on the whole feel generally fantastic.
However, yesterday I hit a little stumbling block and it reminded me how precarious my position is both mental health wise and DV recovery wise.
The morning began with a criminal law lecture. 9am. And we moved onto a new topic... "Non fatal, non sexual offences against the person". Now immediately you will realise this somewhat strikes a cord with me as we were talking about essentially the offence my ex was convicted of.
I was feeling strong, I thought hey I can do this! In fact it may even help me in my studies having a bit of prior knowledge of the sitch! Took a little photo and posted it to twitter with a little joke caption about how I know all about this however deep down inside I was feeling MINOR yet REAL pangs of anxiety.
Left the lecture, hung out with my friend for a bit and went to collect my first properly marked essay and I was OVERJOYED to find that I had got a first for it! Excellent, I thought. I am doing what I need to be doing and it is paying off. Fabulous. Went for lunch with another friend who bought me a celebratory burrito and all was well in the world.
After lunch I went and met up with another (and if I may say so particularly fabulous) mate gee as we had scheduled a little study date to revise homicide as we had a little practice mock exam in it this week. I hadn't quite managed to shake of the earlier feeling of angst but I was able to put it to one side and have a nice time. In fact, we went to a bar after studying before our last lecture and our other mate Emma came and I was sitting there just thinking about how happy I am and then I bought myself a University of Liverpool Hoodie which I'm not even arsed if you think its sad I'm MADE UP with it. In general, life was sound and I was a happy legal scholar.
BUT THEN
Our final lecture of the day was English Legal Systems and they put it at 4pm on a Tuesday which is obviously vile so all feeling tired we go and take our seats in the lecture theatre. We were sitting there waiting for it to start and I had my phone on the little tabley bit in front of the seats when it began to ring......
It was Ash
Calling me
Now bare in mind I have not spoken to him since like JUNE
Well
Basically I fucking shit myself didn't I. Lashed the phone in the direction of my mates pretty much screaming as if it was made of acid.
My mates had a limited knowledge of the situation as it had come up in conversation so they quickly realised the severity of the situation and honestly like angels sent from God they somehow managed to stop me going into full mental breakdown.
I could feel it coming on. Just the sight of his name on my phone made me want to vomit. A huge wave of anxiety, nausea, the shakes, and that actual feeling of "I'm going to throw up" all happened at the same time. Like seriously I was holding back chunks.
Gee, God love her, she just held onto my arm and thank Christ she did because I seriously don't know what I would have done without her at that point. I was sat in a lecture theatre so I couldn't go anywhere, it was about to start, the lecturer was right in front of me, I was stuck there.
Traumo'd.
So anyway the phone stopped ringing but I knew that wasn't the end. I gave the phone to my mates and said you need to take this because I guarantee there is a text coming now.
I was correct
TEXT: "Hey how are you. Can we have a chat when you are free please".
Looks of disgust where exchanged amongst us three amigos and then the inevitable "but what can he possibly want" thoughts started.
I ignored the text.
And then he rang again.
It was a fucking onslaught, what the hell is going on?!!!! Couldn't cope one bit. Has he sensed I am happy and decided to swoop in? is he psychic? Is he watching me? what in the name of sweet jesus and the orphans is happening!!!!!!!!!
The lecture began and I tried to concentrate as best I could however it was all a little much and basically I couldn't tell you a thing about what we were learning about.
Made it through the lecture and by the time I got to my car there was another text this time with a kiss on the end asking me to call him so... and this potentially was a dickhead move on my part.... I rang him back.
It was a bullshit reason for calling. No one is dead, no one is hurt, quite frankly, it didn't warrant a phone call to anyone let alone me. It is funny because my mate in work asked me if id heard from him the other day and she said "they normally drop in around Christmas" and low and behold here we are.
I reiterated to him that he is a bellend, suggested he sorted his life out, pointed out hes gone precisely nowhere in 2 years and told him I was far too busy and important to be dealing with this shit. He seemed to accept this although there followed a threatening text later about "lets talk tomorrow" which thank CHRIST I am happy to report at 8.15pm has not resulted in a further phonecall so I am *hoping* this may be the end of the incident.
Of course it wont be the end of the incident. He'l be back on the blower in a few days I'm sure of it. And for some strange reason I am powerless to do anything about it. Because, any normal person would just block him right? Well..... I DONT WANT TO. Work that one out.
I know you will all be reading this thinking fucking soft cow just block the cunt and move on well let me tell you as SOON as I am over it and no longer in love with him I will get right on that but right now folks I am saddened to say that I am NOT over it and I probably wont EVER be over it so FUCKING SUCK ON THAT!
Sorry
My mind is erratic at the moment and I am sure this is probably translating into my words.
Anyway after all this carry on I then had to complete this mock exam thing and I'm telling you now its shit. Its the biggest pile of shit ive ever written and I feel ashamed handing it in.
So here, dearest readers, we have a prime example of how a mere phone call can fuck up ones day, ones studying and ones cheery disposition. And that is not ok. What is even less ok is that I am allowing it to happen. I know I am allowing it to happen and therefore am not only expecting judgement I am actively inviting it.
It is strange terrain I find myself in here. I cant explain it, but I am torn between loving him and missing him, and at the same time never wishing to speak to or see him ever ever again. It would almost be easier if he was dead. I know that sounds awful and I am not wishing anyone dead here or anything but It would be so much easier. In fact I pretty much tell myself he is dead every day which I suspect may be why I find it so disconcerting to receive a phonecall from him at 4pm on a random Tuesday frigging afternoon!
And relax!
I feel a lot better offloading these random thoughts actually. Turns out the therapist is right, Its good to talk.
I know I suffer with a touch of the crazies, and I know that my levels of whatever aren't the same as everyone elses, but I swear to god each and every time I have a major depressive episode, you can usually trace it right the way back to SOME FUCKING CUNT.
So what have we learned from this? How will we turn this into a positive?
1. I have come so far. I am a million miles away from the girl rocking under the Spider-Man blanket with a black eye. I have got myself to uni. I am studying Law, I am gettind FIRSTS in fucking law and in general I am kicking ass left right and centre
2. I acknowledge and accept that Ash is my Achilles heel, I was essentially a battered and abused person and therefore its perfectly sound to feel a little shitty about that now and again.
3. I haven't cried. This is surely a positive. I haven't cried or had the slightest inclination to call or text him. I have however bawlked but no sick came out.
4. Must not let the bastard further into my head. He is always there. I think about him every day I'll be honest. But he's not the main thought in my head, he's far at the back now with GCSE science.
5. It turns out, I am boss at law. I am going to be a super shit hot lawyer and super shit hot lawyers do no associate with the biscuits.
Right. Feeling much better now! Until next time! xxx
PS I am aware this is full of typos but you aren't my tutor so calm yaself down!
Wednesday 23 November 2016
Friday 14 October 2016
uni life
It is that time of the year again, I have broken my phone! Dropped it yesterday morning making breakfast and now I have had to send it off to the insurance to get repaired. Probably the 20th time I have done this in my life. Fuming with myself!!
So anyway as I am phoneless and reduced to going old school on a laptop to communicate with the outside world I decided to write a little blog update!!!
What an absolute whirlwind my life has become!!!
So as you all know I have started full time uni and I am now officially a law student... or a "trainee lawyer" as they like to call us... I like that title, I think I will stick to it!
Freshers week started with a blast. By day two I was mid week drinking. The amount of free dominos was unbelievable. And I even got involved with some non law related societies... check me out, I'm in the astronomy society!!!!!!!!!
The heavy stuff started pretty much immediately. I found myself quickly snowed under with work, none of which was making much sense. Also for some reason its all in fucking Latin which is both interesting and irritating at the same time! My method of forcing everyone I came across to be friends with me has worked tremendously and I am now in a WhatsApp group chat with 85 members in it. What a time to be alive!
I have to admit, the lifestyle change was striking and there have been a few moments where I have thought to myself "what the hell am I doing"!!! A crisis of confidence to say the least. I would say a Law degree at a Russell Group university certainly sorts the brave from the weak. There is a reason why it is a difficult degree to get on!!!!! But what it has shown me is how much broader my horizons now are. I feel like my life has been yanked off its original trajectory and I am now hurtling UPWARDS at a furious speed. It is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. When I think back to my days before uni... getting up every day to go to a boring job which while convenient and nicely paid literally sucked the life out of me... I wake up every morning now excited for the day ahead. And that is such a brilliant feeling. Not that I have given up work completely mind you. I still do 4 hours on a Thursday morning and a few hours over the weekend but it very much feels like my "Saturday Job" rather than one of the biggest portions of my life.
The only problem with this picture is with uni being 5 days a week and my working the weekends, I am now doing 7 day weeks. This is exhausting and this week, the inevitable happened... I got sick. Dying of what is commonly referred to as freshers flu I had to miss lectures today and stay in bed. I am off work tomorrow but meant to be in Sunday and if I am still feeling like this I think I might have to phone in sick!!! I hate phoning in sick. I am normally only ever off sick due to mental breakdown reasons so I am really hoping I am better for sunday as I don't want to have to phone in sick with a cold. They will probably think I am taking the piss as its only my second week back but I am quickly learning with a uni/work/personal schedule this hectic, I HAVE to start looking after myself otherwise If I continue to the point of physical and mental exhaustion I will be out of action for months. So I will see how I feel on Sunday but for now I am curled up in bed with Netflix and a shit load of cold and flu rememdies. There are scrumpled up tissues all over my floor. This is not an uncommon sight for my bedroom to be honest but usually its post sex clean up rather than snot haha!!!
I have been thinking a lot about Ash this week. I know exactly why, in criminal law we have been discussing mens rea which I wont bore you too much with but it basically means guilty mind. what was the defendants intention when commiting the offence. We have also been discussing common assault and criminal damage which where the two offences he was convicted of in the end with me. I have been thinking..... what a fucking bellend. I can't believe I was in love with him. I mean I say this half heartedly as the fact I'm thinking about him at all speaks volumes but, and it has taken a long time to get to this point, but I feel like it was in the past now. I would say up until a few months ago it still felt very much in my present. It is difficult to try and rebuild your life after horrible things happen to you. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to be over it too quickly and was becoming frustrated that it still affected me so much. I can quite comfortably say now that what happened was abuse. I know that's weird and you are probably thinking er yes of course it was abuse, you even state recovery from abuse in your blog title you wierdo, but I think deep down really I was still excusing that behaviour and rationalising it as something else in my head.
You know what else I have been thinking about. During each episode... I never ever fought back. Well I mean he was a lot stronger than me anyway so resistance was futile but I just think now if anyone ever touched me like that again I would have absolutely no problem in stabbing them in the eye with my acrylics.
Anyway enough of that, I am so over being a victim of that situation. I am winning at life and hes still on 8 quid an hour. Meff
This week I had my first properly assessed piece of work that counts towards my degree. Well its 5 percent of a 15 credit module and there are 120 credits a year so its only a microscopic portion but nonetheless it is important.
I had a test
It was 20 questions
I got 100percent
Now let me tell you boys and girls this was not your run of the mill if in doubt pick c sort of test it was a motherfucking complicated test which went on about ratio decedeni and obiter dictum and all sorts of shit and I. GOT. 100PERCENT
Crisis of confidence.... evaporated.
I can do this. And not only can I do this, I can do this fucking well
Game on Bitches. I'm off to be a lawyer xxx
So anyway as I am phoneless and reduced to going old school on a laptop to communicate with the outside world I decided to write a little blog update!!!
What an absolute whirlwind my life has become!!!
So as you all know I have started full time uni and I am now officially a law student... or a "trainee lawyer" as they like to call us... I like that title, I think I will stick to it!
Freshers week started with a blast. By day two I was mid week drinking. The amount of free dominos was unbelievable. And I even got involved with some non law related societies... check me out, I'm in the astronomy society!!!!!!!!!
The heavy stuff started pretty much immediately. I found myself quickly snowed under with work, none of which was making much sense. Also for some reason its all in fucking Latin which is both interesting and irritating at the same time! My method of forcing everyone I came across to be friends with me has worked tremendously and I am now in a WhatsApp group chat with 85 members in it. What a time to be alive!
I have to admit, the lifestyle change was striking and there have been a few moments where I have thought to myself "what the hell am I doing"!!! A crisis of confidence to say the least. I would say a Law degree at a Russell Group university certainly sorts the brave from the weak. There is a reason why it is a difficult degree to get on!!!!! But what it has shown me is how much broader my horizons now are. I feel like my life has been yanked off its original trajectory and I am now hurtling UPWARDS at a furious speed. It is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. When I think back to my days before uni... getting up every day to go to a boring job which while convenient and nicely paid literally sucked the life out of me... I wake up every morning now excited for the day ahead. And that is such a brilliant feeling. Not that I have given up work completely mind you. I still do 4 hours on a Thursday morning and a few hours over the weekend but it very much feels like my "Saturday Job" rather than one of the biggest portions of my life.
The only problem with this picture is with uni being 5 days a week and my working the weekends, I am now doing 7 day weeks. This is exhausting and this week, the inevitable happened... I got sick. Dying of what is commonly referred to as freshers flu I had to miss lectures today and stay in bed. I am off work tomorrow but meant to be in Sunday and if I am still feeling like this I think I might have to phone in sick!!! I hate phoning in sick. I am normally only ever off sick due to mental breakdown reasons so I am really hoping I am better for sunday as I don't want to have to phone in sick with a cold. They will probably think I am taking the piss as its only my second week back but I am quickly learning with a uni/work/personal schedule this hectic, I HAVE to start looking after myself otherwise If I continue to the point of physical and mental exhaustion I will be out of action for months. So I will see how I feel on Sunday but for now I am curled up in bed with Netflix and a shit load of cold and flu rememdies. There are scrumpled up tissues all over my floor. This is not an uncommon sight for my bedroom to be honest but usually its post sex clean up rather than snot haha!!!
I have been thinking a lot about Ash this week. I know exactly why, in criminal law we have been discussing mens rea which I wont bore you too much with but it basically means guilty mind. what was the defendants intention when commiting the offence. We have also been discussing common assault and criminal damage which where the two offences he was convicted of in the end with me. I have been thinking..... what a fucking bellend. I can't believe I was in love with him. I mean I say this half heartedly as the fact I'm thinking about him at all speaks volumes but, and it has taken a long time to get to this point, but I feel like it was in the past now. I would say up until a few months ago it still felt very much in my present. It is difficult to try and rebuild your life after horrible things happen to you. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to be over it too quickly and was becoming frustrated that it still affected me so much. I can quite comfortably say now that what happened was abuse. I know that's weird and you are probably thinking er yes of course it was abuse, you even state recovery from abuse in your blog title you wierdo, but I think deep down really I was still excusing that behaviour and rationalising it as something else in my head.
You know what else I have been thinking about. During each episode... I never ever fought back. Well I mean he was a lot stronger than me anyway so resistance was futile but I just think now if anyone ever touched me like that again I would have absolutely no problem in stabbing them in the eye with my acrylics.
Anyway enough of that, I am so over being a victim of that situation. I am winning at life and hes still on 8 quid an hour. Meff
This week I had my first properly assessed piece of work that counts towards my degree. Well its 5 percent of a 15 credit module and there are 120 credits a year so its only a microscopic portion but nonetheless it is important.
I had a test
It was 20 questions
I got 100percent
Now let me tell you boys and girls this was not your run of the mill if in doubt pick c sort of test it was a motherfucking complicated test which went on about ratio decedeni and obiter dictum and all sorts of shit and I. GOT. 100PERCENT
Crisis of confidence.... evaporated.
I can do this. And not only can I do this, I can do this fucking well
Game on Bitches. I'm off to be a lawyer xxx
Tuesday 6 September 2016
Wake me up when September ends
After a glorious summer off I have decided to throw a little blog out there!!
First thing to know is I absolutely smashed the shit out of my uni course, I got a first and now I will be starting a full time Law degree at the university of Liverpool on September 19th... THIS IS A FUCKING MASSIVELY BIG DEAL!
Over the summer I got my head in some serious law books... already being a student I have access to the reading lists and library so I decided to give myself a head start on all those young whippersnappers who are probably still lying in a pool of their own vomit after discovering 24hour licensing and 241 shots...as we all did. I had a look at the forthcoming modules... there's quite a few assignments, about 5 or so exams and a presentation (woohooo, one loves a fucking audience)... so I have to admit I have been feeling quietly confident about the whole thing... until now.
IM FUCKING BRICKING IT
Modules say I should be doing about 40 hours a week private study by myself. I also have to work 16 hours in my (what will hereafter be referred to as my) Saturday job, in addition to bringing up a 9 year old and maintaining a house singlehanded. Quite frankly it is starting to sound a little daunting. I have therefore come up with a few little ground rules for myself which will hopefully help me to keep on top of things.
1. I will complete my reading as and when I get it and also make a point of finding at least 5 extra sources to reference, even if I only read a sentence of each 5 said sources. Its all about the wider reading
2. I will only go out drinking once per month and I will not consume any illegal substances that may lead to one night out becoming a bender spanning several days.
3. I will only shag a MAXIMUM of 3 fitties.
4. Said fitties will NOT be in my class and preferably will not be studying law. Lesson 5009 = Don't shit where you eat.
5. I will get up at 5.30am on a Tuesday and Thursday to do housework
6. When rule number 5 inevitably doesn't happen I will employ a cleaner having already set aside £2000 for "household maintenance" which I defo defo believe a cleaner comes under that umbrella
7. I will not enter the Krazyhouse or any other known dive at any point whatsoever no matter how much they try and make me.
8. I will maintain my monthly adventures out into the countryside to ensure rest and relaxation in none alcoholic form.
9. I will not stay overnight in any form of halls of residence and it doesn't matter how big the occupants cock is.
10. I WILL NOT SHAG MY EX BOYFRIEND.
I believe armed with these crucial guidelines will give me the best chance of success. I want a first class degree, I am just throwing that out there now. A scientist guy a few months ago told me he disagreed it was possible to get a first in law, very few manage it. I binned him off shortly after that conversation as his negativity was astounding and this guy was researching a cure for fucking cancer so I don't hold out much hope for that happening any time soon with downers like that on the case. Tit. I am really in one of those I know where I am going, I know how to make it happen so you are either by my side or in my fucking way sort of frame of mind. I have made the executive decision to do my first year single. Tough decision but the right one. The last thing I need right now is a fucking passenger. Having said that Lawyer boyfriends ARE permitted so long as they are successful and can inspire and educate me. Seems reasonable to me.
I have included the last rule as an afterthought. Having successfully avoided that situation since JUNE(!!!) I had a marginal wobble this evening and almost called him...like, the phone was in my hand, and I was in contacts, and then I burst into tears. This has not happened for a while and I feel little better now but as we are fully aware dear readers I am ever so slightly unhinged from time to time and this could well be the start of the slippery slope again. I don't even know why any more. Its been 2 years now since the main horrendousness and still it is sad to say that no one has come close to him and how in love I was(probably still am). Looking rationally though this probably speaks volumes about the drastically poor quality of dudes I have come across SINCE him rather than the quality of him himself. I have chalked this blip tonight down to mental retardation and will defo be discussing it with my therapist tomorrow.
Yes, you heard me correctly, I have a therapist now!
Hurraaaaah I hear you cry! Finally some professional help for this psychopath! This is my third therapist to be honest. My first was treating me for PTSD due to violent incidents but as I was still in the relationship and experiencing it at the time it wasn't really very helpful. I also had a domestic violence therapist who came out to my house every week in the weeks after the final incident which, while very helpful, was during the single most traumatic period of my life and therefore was more to help me get through it rather than look at my long term recovery. Lest we forget domestic violence is the tip of the iceberg of issues... I am crackers enough on my own. So yes I know have a therapist who I will be speaking to during a stableish period and will hopefully equip me with the normal life skills that people without my problems already have... (well allegedly have, some of you are just as fucked as me from what I can see!).
That's all for now! Expect a psychotic episode to kick in round about November when I am bollocks deep in uni work and begging for mercy!
xxx
First thing to know is I absolutely smashed the shit out of my uni course, I got a first and now I will be starting a full time Law degree at the university of Liverpool on September 19th... THIS IS A FUCKING MASSIVELY BIG DEAL!
Over the summer I got my head in some serious law books... already being a student I have access to the reading lists and library so I decided to give myself a head start on all those young whippersnappers who are probably still lying in a pool of their own vomit after discovering 24hour licensing and 241 shots...as we all did. I had a look at the forthcoming modules... there's quite a few assignments, about 5 or so exams and a presentation (woohooo, one loves a fucking audience)... so I have to admit I have been feeling quietly confident about the whole thing... until now.
IM FUCKING BRICKING IT
Modules say I should be doing about 40 hours a week private study by myself. I also have to work 16 hours in my (what will hereafter be referred to as my) Saturday job, in addition to bringing up a 9 year old and maintaining a house singlehanded. Quite frankly it is starting to sound a little daunting. I have therefore come up with a few little ground rules for myself which will hopefully help me to keep on top of things.
1. I will complete my reading as and when I get it and also make a point of finding at least 5 extra sources to reference, even if I only read a sentence of each 5 said sources. Its all about the wider reading
2. I will only go out drinking once per month and I will not consume any illegal substances that may lead to one night out becoming a bender spanning several days.
3. I will only shag a MAXIMUM of 3 fitties.
4. Said fitties will NOT be in my class and preferably will not be studying law. Lesson 5009 = Don't shit where you eat.
5. I will get up at 5.30am on a Tuesday and Thursday to do housework
6. When rule number 5 inevitably doesn't happen I will employ a cleaner having already set aside £2000 for "household maintenance" which I defo defo believe a cleaner comes under that umbrella
7. I will not enter the Krazyhouse or any other known dive at any point whatsoever no matter how much they try and make me.
8. I will maintain my monthly adventures out into the countryside to ensure rest and relaxation in none alcoholic form.
9. I will not stay overnight in any form of halls of residence and it doesn't matter how big the occupants cock is.
10. I WILL NOT SHAG MY EX BOYFRIEND.
I believe armed with these crucial guidelines will give me the best chance of success. I want a first class degree, I am just throwing that out there now. A scientist guy a few months ago told me he disagreed it was possible to get a first in law, very few manage it. I binned him off shortly after that conversation as his negativity was astounding and this guy was researching a cure for fucking cancer so I don't hold out much hope for that happening any time soon with downers like that on the case. Tit. I am really in one of those I know where I am going, I know how to make it happen so you are either by my side or in my fucking way sort of frame of mind. I have made the executive decision to do my first year single. Tough decision but the right one. The last thing I need right now is a fucking passenger. Having said that Lawyer boyfriends ARE permitted so long as they are successful and can inspire and educate me. Seems reasonable to me.
I have included the last rule as an afterthought. Having successfully avoided that situation since JUNE(!!!) I had a marginal wobble this evening and almost called him...like, the phone was in my hand, and I was in contacts, and then I burst into tears. This has not happened for a while and I feel little better now but as we are fully aware dear readers I am ever so slightly unhinged from time to time and this could well be the start of the slippery slope again. I don't even know why any more. Its been 2 years now since the main horrendousness and still it is sad to say that no one has come close to him and how in love I was(probably still am). Looking rationally though this probably speaks volumes about the drastically poor quality of dudes I have come across SINCE him rather than the quality of him himself. I have chalked this blip tonight down to mental retardation and will defo be discussing it with my therapist tomorrow.
Yes, you heard me correctly, I have a therapist now!
Hurraaaaah I hear you cry! Finally some professional help for this psychopath! This is my third therapist to be honest. My first was treating me for PTSD due to violent incidents but as I was still in the relationship and experiencing it at the time it wasn't really very helpful. I also had a domestic violence therapist who came out to my house every week in the weeks after the final incident which, while very helpful, was during the single most traumatic period of my life and therefore was more to help me get through it rather than look at my long term recovery. Lest we forget domestic violence is the tip of the iceberg of issues... I am crackers enough on my own. So yes I know have a therapist who I will be speaking to during a stableish period and will hopefully equip me with the normal life skills that people without my problems already have... (well allegedly have, some of you are just as fucked as me from what I can see!).
That's all for now! Expect a psychotic episode to kick in round about November when I am bollocks deep in uni work and begging for mercy!
xxx
Friday 20 May 2016
A day in the life of a bipolar student single parent
Good evening my lovelies!
Having managed to complete the rest of my uni work today I am officially FREE to have a life once more! The last few months have been absolutely crazy and I decided last night I was going to get everything done today so I could enjoy my weekend without that "you should be doing work" guilty thought in the back of my mind. I put my 9 year old son to bed early last night with the intention of having an early night myself so I could be up fresh as a daisy and raring to go this morning. Unfortunately I got side tracked with a WhatsApp convo (as ya do) and so didn't end up going to sleep until past midnight....
TODAY
6.30am: Am rudely awoken by someone standing on my head. It's my son. His early night meant he was up at the crack of dawn and he had come into my room to get his ipad which was next to me charging. He apologised, I fumed.
7.30am: Still zombiefied I realise with horror I am going to have to get up. Order son to get washed and dressed. Son informs me his school shirt needs ironing. I fume
7.35am ironed shirt with one eye shut
7.40am throwing miscellaneous food items into sons lunch box. God knows what he ate
8am: half heartedly had a shower... basically got in, got wet, got out. Look like shit
8.15am son demands cocoa pops. I don't have any cocoa pops. give him toast. he fumes, I fume and tell him about the starving kids in Africa etc. realise I sound like my mother. I fume some more
8.30am I pack car up with 9 library books I needed to take back, folders, shepherd son into car
8.40am driving to drop son off at school. son has decided to wear a trilby hat. explain to son that he cant take it to school. he fumes. I fume. forcibly remove hat from son as he vacates the car. he informs me I have ruined his life.
8.45am Mother duties have ceased until 3.15pm and I am free to morph from parent to student
8.50am realise with horror its my half sisters birthday tomorrow. leg it to asda to purchase birthday card
9.00am realise have left phone at home which contains sisters postcode. fume. have to return home to get it.
9.10am retrieve phone from home. address birthday card. drive round the corner to the post box. it says "collection 9am" on it. fume
9.20am back at asda to post birthday card. collection is 3pm. sound. I can set off to be a student now
9.30am I am on the road to uni. drive is horrendous. traffic everywhere. soon as I park it starts to rain. fume.
9.50am arrive at Sydney jones library. place looks like a shelter for the homeless. students are sitting everywhere. at the desks, on the floor, some have spent the night there and slept on the floor. THERE ARE NO AVAILABLE DESKS. fume
10.15am after wandering around the library helplessly looking for a place to park I eventually find a free desk on the second floor. I collapse in a heap. I have still got my coat on from the rain and the library is boiling. fume
10.25am a whole HOUR behind schedule I begin to work. the dream of finishing everything today is slipping away and I quite frankly cant be arsed to do anything.
10.30am japenese girl sitting 2 desks away keeps sneezing and making a sound that is similar to a woodpigeon only louder. economics student sat opposite me gives me a knowing raised eyebrow.
11am decide I cant be arsed doing any more on my philosophy essay and turn it in as is. selects print, am informed I only have 18p printer credit left. have to purchase more. fume
11.10am first assignment is printed and completed. now onto history
11.15am thought my history was almost done but it turns out by almost done I meant I had to write an intro and conclusion. fume. have to read whole essay to remember what the fuck it was I was banging on about. read email from tutor suggesting I include a reference to some book that I can find in the library. glance sadly at my pile of 9 books I have already and go off in search of book number 10.
11.25 book number 10 is located in a "silent" study area. I walk in, my Pandora bracelet rattles, everyone turns to look at me with hell in their eyes. I silently apologise and scuttle off to find my book.
11.28 CANT FIND SODDING BOOK
11.30 book located. silently creep back through the angry silent students and go back to the second floor
11.40am realise book is about women in the nineteenth century being put in lunatic asylums if they exhibited sexual desire. ponder if I should be in a lunatic asylum. decide yes probably
11.45am sneezing japenese girl 2 desks down in tears.
11.50am I WANT TO FUCKING DIE
1pm decide history essay will just have to fucking do, I cant be arsed with it anymore. print off, submit, 2 down, 1 to go
1.10pm open English essay
1.11pm open email from English lecturer with some feedback on the draft I sent him. "this really gets into it's stride from page 3 onwards"... translation, pages 1 and 2 are shit. fume
1.20pm wonder how my life ever got to the point were I was comparing a story about how a german prisoner was anally raped to death by british soldiers I. world war one with Jekyll and hyde.
2.30pm ready to hunt down the person who invented MHRA referencing and anally rape him to death
2.40pm Fuck it, it's getting submitted
2.45pm almost fall down the stairs trying to carry 10 books back to the hand in bit
2.50pm offloaded all the books, off to the office to hand in the hard copies of my essays
2.55pm JOY! RAPTURE! I'M DONE!!! See mate from course in office. she is just beginning her essay today and still has a full other one to do. I wish her the best of british luck and thank god that's not me
3pm Feeling smug. upload smug facebook status
3.15pm arrive to pick son up from school having accidentally cut up a taxi on the drive up. could see drivier going mental in my mirror. I am too exhausted to give a shit so pretend I have not seen him
3.16pm son informs me an older kid has been picking on him today. son asked bigger kid "haven't you got a life or mates your own age?"... bigger kid then decked son. proud of son for being a gobby little bastard. puts "must speak to teacher" on next weeks list.
3.30pm arrive home, house looks like ive been burgled. it hasn't I just haven't been arsed to tidy up
3.35pm sit on couch to watch telly. son attacking me with a light sabre wanting to play. make half arsed swooshing sounds while watching the rest of Marcella
4pm son asks whats for tea. I tell him sweet and sour chicken. son fumes. I reiterate starving kids in Africa line. I fume
5pm make tea, chicken smells funny. its in date but it smells funny. cook it anyway. rice is done, debate risking salmonella but at the last minute decide against it and knock up a quick chilli instead to go with the rice. fume that I have wasted chicken and sweet and sour and think about the starving kids in Africa
5.30pm lengthy phonecall with uni mate. am informed of several bits of juicy gossip. get over exicited
7pm inform son we are going to have fun this weekend. offer to take him either to the pictures, bowling, or to that play factore in manc. he wants to do all 3. I tell him we can't do all 3 and he needs to pick one. he fumes. I, being shattered, kick right off and call him a right ungrateful little brat and send him to his room
7.30pm text from son.. "I'm so sorry mummy I love you"... feel guilty for fuming
8pm watch easties, think Stacey looks gorgeous...think bobby beales a right little cunt and I would love to smash him over the head with a hockey stick
8.30pm decide we are still hungry so go to maccies. they give me chicken nuggets instead of cheese bites and a medium drink instead of a large. fume inwardly to myself as haven't the energy to pick a battle with a maccies employee
9pm retire to bed, feeling stressed but accomplished
So that's it!! all my work is done and I am looking forward to a few months peace and quiet before the mayhem starts in September!
PS, I fully understand this blog is not grammatically correct, full of spelling mistakes and there is barely a capital letter in it. fucking sue me xxx
Having managed to complete the rest of my uni work today I am officially FREE to have a life once more! The last few months have been absolutely crazy and I decided last night I was going to get everything done today so I could enjoy my weekend without that "you should be doing work" guilty thought in the back of my mind. I put my 9 year old son to bed early last night with the intention of having an early night myself so I could be up fresh as a daisy and raring to go this morning. Unfortunately I got side tracked with a WhatsApp convo (as ya do) and so didn't end up going to sleep until past midnight....
TODAY
6.30am: Am rudely awoken by someone standing on my head. It's my son. His early night meant he was up at the crack of dawn and he had come into my room to get his ipad which was next to me charging. He apologised, I fumed.
7.30am: Still zombiefied I realise with horror I am going to have to get up. Order son to get washed and dressed. Son informs me his school shirt needs ironing. I fume
7.35am ironed shirt with one eye shut
7.40am throwing miscellaneous food items into sons lunch box. God knows what he ate
8am: half heartedly had a shower... basically got in, got wet, got out. Look like shit
8.15am son demands cocoa pops. I don't have any cocoa pops. give him toast. he fumes, I fume and tell him about the starving kids in Africa etc. realise I sound like my mother. I fume some more
8.30am I pack car up with 9 library books I needed to take back, folders, shepherd son into car
8.40am driving to drop son off at school. son has decided to wear a trilby hat. explain to son that he cant take it to school. he fumes. I fume. forcibly remove hat from son as he vacates the car. he informs me I have ruined his life.
8.45am Mother duties have ceased until 3.15pm and I am free to morph from parent to student
8.50am realise with horror its my half sisters birthday tomorrow. leg it to asda to purchase birthday card
9.00am realise have left phone at home which contains sisters postcode. fume. have to return home to get it.
9.10am retrieve phone from home. address birthday card. drive round the corner to the post box. it says "collection 9am" on it. fume
9.20am back at asda to post birthday card. collection is 3pm. sound. I can set off to be a student now
9.30am I am on the road to uni. drive is horrendous. traffic everywhere. soon as I park it starts to rain. fume.
9.50am arrive at Sydney jones library. place looks like a shelter for the homeless. students are sitting everywhere. at the desks, on the floor, some have spent the night there and slept on the floor. THERE ARE NO AVAILABLE DESKS. fume
10.15am after wandering around the library helplessly looking for a place to park I eventually find a free desk on the second floor. I collapse in a heap. I have still got my coat on from the rain and the library is boiling. fume
10.25am a whole HOUR behind schedule I begin to work. the dream of finishing everything today is slipping away and I quite frankly cant be arsed to do anything.
10.30am japenese girl sitting 2 desks away keeps sneezing and making a sound that is similar to a woodpigeon only louder. economics student sat opposite me gives me a knowing raised eyebrow.
11am decide I cant be arsed doing any more on my philosophy essay and turn it in as is. selects print, am informed I only have 18p printer credit left. have to purchase more. fume
11.10am first assignment is printed and completed. now onto history
11.15am thought my history was almost done but it turns out by almost done I meant I had to write an intro and conclusion. fume. have to read whole essay to remember what the fuck it was I was banging on about. read email from tutor suggesting I include a reference to some book that I can find in the library. glance sadly at my pile of 9 books I have already and go off in search of book number 10.
11.25 book number 10 is located in a "silent" study area. I walk in, my Pandora bracelet rattles, everyone turns to look at me with hell in their eyes. I silently apologise and scuttle off to find my book.
11.28 CANT FIND SODDING BOOK
11.30 book located. silently creep back through the angry silent students and go back to the second floor
11.40am realise book is about women in the nineteenth century being put in lunatic asylums if they exhibited sexual desire. ponder if I should be in a lunatic asylum. decide yes probably
11.45am sneezing japenese girl 2 desks down in tears.
11.50am I WANT TO FUCKING DIE
1pm decide history essay will just have to fucking do, I cant be arsed with it anymore. print off, submit, 2 down, 1 to go
1.10pm open English essay
1.11pm open email from English lecturer with some feedback on the draft I sent him. "this really gets into it's stride from page 3 onwards"... translation, pages 1 and 2 are shit. fume
1.20pm wonder how my life ever got to the point were I was comparing a story about how a german prisoner was anally raped to death by british soldiers I. world war one with Jekyll and hyde.
2.30pm ready to hunt down the person who invented MHRA referencing and anally rape him to death
2.40pm Fuck it, it's getting submitted
2.45pm almost fall down the stairs trying to carry 10 books back to the hand in bit
2.50pm offloaded all the books, off to the office to hand in the hard copies of my essays
2.55pm JOY! RAPTURE! I'M DONE!!! See mate from course in office. she is just beginning her essay today and still has a full other one to do. I wish her the best of british luck and thank god that's not me
3pm Feeling smug. upload smug facebook status
3.15pm arrive to pick son up from school having accidentally cut up a taxi on the drive up. could see drivier going mental in my mirror. I am too exhausted to give a shit so pretend I have not seen him
3.16pm son informs me an older kid has been picking on him today. son asked bigger kid "haven't you got a life or mates your own age?"... bigger kid then decked son. proud of son for being a gobby little bastard. puts "must speak to teacher" on next weeks list.
3.30pm arrive home, house looks like ive been burgled. it hasn't I just haven't been arsed to tidy up
3.35pm sit on couch to watch telly. son attacking me with a light sabre wanting to play. make half arsed swooshing sounds while watching the rest of Marcella
4pm son asks whats for tea. I tell him sweet and sour chicken. son fumes. I reiterate starving kids in Africa line. I fume
5pm make tea, chicken smells funny. its in date but it smells funny. cook it anyway. rice is done, debate risking salmonella but at the last minute decide against it and knock up a quick chilli instead to go with the rice. fume that I have wasted chicken and sweet and sour and think about the starving kids in Africa
5.30pm lengthy phonecall with uni mate. am informed of several bits of juicy gossip. get over exicited
7pm inform son we are going to have fun this weekend. offer to take him either to the pictures, bowling, or to that play factore in manc. he wants to do all 3. I tell him we can't do all 3 and he needs to pick one. he fumes. I, being shattered, kick right off and call him a right ungrateful little brat and send him to his room
7.30pm text from son.. "I'm so sorry mummy I love you"... feel guilty for fuming
8pm watch easties, think Stacey looks gorgeous...think bobby beales a right little cunt and I would love to smash him over the head with a hockey stick
8.30pm decide we are still hungry so go to maccies. they give me chicken nuggets instead of cheese bites and a medium drink instead of a large. fume inwardly to myself as haven't the energy to pick a battle with a maccies employee
9pm retire to bed, feeling stressed but accomplished
So that's it!! all my work is done and I am looking forward to a few months peace and quiet before the mayhem starts in September!
PS, I fully understand this blog is not grammatically correct, full of spelling mistakes and there is barely a capital letter in it. fucking sue me xxx
Wednesday 4 May 2016
Almost there!!!
It's been a little while since I last babbled on so I thought I would write a little blog this evening!
First of all....I'm just going to say it... I am fucking proud of myself.
This time last year I had a vague idea that I fancied going to uni. Today I have just completed one of my final assessments which was a debate and I have just 3 more assignments and an exam to do before I'm done. Not just done, SMASHED IT. I mean I could potentially still massively fuck up the situation but honestly I think I am home safe now. 14 assignments down, 3 to go.... Even if I write utter shit for these final assignments my work through the year SHOULD carry me through to a first. I AM OVER THE MOON. I know I shouldn't be counting my chickens just yet but on the whole I think I have this shit handled. It is a crazy feeling. I have completely changed my life from this time 12months ago and I am heading in a direction I actually want to go in. I am 90percent sure I will keep on my current job part time just for a bit of pocket money but the main focus of my life come September will be studying. I am so excited its unbelievable!!!
Shall we have a bit of boy talk? I have sort of stayed quiet about talking on the dude front because really there has been no one really worth mentioning recently but I just have to point out the weirdest thing happened today...
Round about November time I had a very short lived fling with a guy from uni. Only around a month or so, nothing serious at all so it was barely worth mentioning but basically what happened was this guy was originally half seeing a girl who ended up moving to Spain. In November I found myself suddenly available and i'm not sure if it was coincidence or if he was stalking me or what but within precisely 6 hours of my single status he had asked me out. I had liked him for a while, he is really clever, tall, fit, drives a bmw, ticked a lot of boxes really so anyway we had a bit of a fling for about a month or so but THEN Spain girl moved back to the uk!!! Now me being the totally sound girl that I am decided to take a step back at this point because I kind of thought really they should be together and she saw him first so I did the decent thing and backed away.....albeit onto my ex boyfriends cock but that's besides the point. ANYWAY uni boy and spain girl got together and are currently living happily ever after.
Now I still see uni boy obviously in uni but I have kind of kept my distance a bit because yano its a bit awkward isn't it when theres been a bit of activity. There was no bad feeling or anything I just said listen I think now spain girls back I am gonna just back off a bit and he was like oh ok sound and that was that. ANYWAY he is in one of my classes and today I shit you not he was staring at me for an hour and a half. Now I did have a bit of a cleavage situation on the go so that might have been it but honest to God he was STARING AT ME. I didn't make eye contact. We had to do this debate thing so he could have legitimately starred at me for like 20minutes while I was talking but this continued after I sat down and other people were talking. I put it down to the tits.
THEN after class I was standing outside having a ciggie and he walked right up to me, put his hands on my waist and tickled me and then asked me for a light. So I gave him my lighter and then when he was giving it back he did this weird hand holdy thing. What the hell is going on??!!! He is still with Spain girl. I know he is still with spain girl. He knows I know he is still with spain girl. What the fuck sort of outfit does he think i'm running here?!!!!!!!! I've been round the block enough times to know a come on when I see one. No. Just No.
Such a shame as well because he was a lovely lad with loads of potential but now I can't really be mates with him because he has automatically categorised himself as a cunt.
After the debacle with the ex I have managed to go a whole 3 weeks without speaking to him and I have managed to pull myself out of the fog now. After a plethora of perfectly nice but frightfully boring potential men I decided to implement a self imposed cock ban until September. I decided to focus on uni work, party my way through the summer and then in September I can aquaint myself with thousands of brand new, educated men. I am going to try and do my first full time uni year single because I don't want to waste the opportunity to be a slut. I haven't been a slut for ages and I think it's about time I rediscovered my calling.
So yes that's where i'm up to. Life is bloody fantastic right now and the future is looking epic
xxxx
First of all....I'm just going to say it... I am fucking proud of myself.
This time last year I had a vague idea that I fancied going to uni. Today I have just completed one of my final assessments which was a debate and I have just 3 more assignments and an exam to do before I'm done. Not just done, SMASHED IT. I mean I could potentially still massively fuck up the situation but honestly I think I am home safe now. 14 assignments down, 3 to go.... Even if I write utter shit for these final assignments my work through the year SHOULD carry me through to a first. I AM OVER THE MOON. I know I shouldn't be counting my chickens just yet but on the whole I think I have this shit handled. It is a crazy feeling. I have completely changed my life from this time 12months ago and I am heading in a direction I actually want to go in. I am 90percent sure I will keep on my current job part time just for a bit of pocket money but the main focus of my life come September will be studying. I am so excited its unbelievable!!!
Shall we have a bit of boy talk? I have sort of stayed quiet about talking on the dude front because really there has been no one really worth mentioning recently but I just have to point out the weirdest thing happened today...
Round about November time I had a very short lived fling with a guy from uni. Only around a month or so, nothing serious at all so it was barely worth mentioning but basically what happened was this guy was originally half seeing a girl who ended up moving to Spain. In November I found myself suddenly available and i'm not sure if it was coincidence or if he was stalking me or what but within precisely 6 hours of my single status he had asked me out. I had liked him for a while, he is really clever, tall, fit, drives a bmw, ticked a lot of boxes really so anyway we had a bit of a fling for about a month or so but THEN Spain girl moved back to the uk!!! Now me being the totally sound girl that I am decided to take a step back at this point because I kind of thought really they should be together and she saw him first so I did the decent thing and backed away.....albeit onto my ex boyfriends cock but that's besides the point. ANYWAY uni boy and spain girl got together and are currently living happily ever after.
Now I still see uni boy obviously in uni but I have kind of kept my distance a bit because yano its a bit awkward isn't it when theres been a bit of activity. There was no bad feeling or anything I just said listen I think now spain girls back I am gonna just back off a bit and he was like oh ok sound and that was that. ANYWAY he is in one of my classes and today I shit you not he was staring at me for an hour and a half. Now I did have a bit of a cleavage situation on the go so that might have been it but honest to God he was STARING AT ME. I didn't make eye contact. We had to do this debate thing so he could have legitimately starred at me for like 20minutes while I was talking but this continued after I sat down and other people were talking. I put it down to the tits.
THEN after class I was standing outside having a ciggie and he walked right up to me, put his hands on my waist and tickled me and then asked me for a light. So I gave him my lighter and then when he was giving it back he did this weird hand holdy thing. What the hell is going on??!!! He is still with Spain girl. I know he is still with spain girl. He knows I know he is still with spain girl. What the fuck sort of outfit does he think i'm running here?!!!!!!!! I've been round the block enough times to know a come on when I see one. No. Just No.
Such a shame as well because he was a lovely lad with loads of potential but now I can't really be mates with him because he has automatically categorised himself as a cunt.
After the debacle with the ex I have managed to go a whole 3 weeks without speaking to him and I have managed to pull myself out of the fog now. After a plethora of perfectly nice but frightfully boring potential men I decided to implement a self imposed cock ban until September. I decided to focus on uni work, party my way through the summer and then in September I can aquaint myself with thousands of brand new, educated men. I am going to try and do my first full time uni year single because I don't want to waste the opportunity to be a slut. I haven't been a slut for ages and I think it's about time I rediscovered my calling.
So yes that's where i'm up to. Life is bloody fantastic right now and the future is looking epic
xxxx
Saturday 12 March 2016
Feeling Meh
I am feeling needy and shitty tonight
I will try and cut a long story very short on this one because I don't really want to discuss it but in a nutshell my dad has 2 brothers and a sister. 1 of the brothers decided he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family any more at Christmas for reason's that aren't entirely clear to anyone but that's by the by, the point is, within a week of this kick off occurring something really really shitty happened to the other brother.
I spent this evening with him and my auntie and my dad and his family and I just feel so fucking shitty. Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope to god he recovers. I have faith that he will recover. But do you know what happened last time I had a family member have something shitty happen and I had faith that they would recover? She didn't fucking recover. She died. I had faith right up until we switched off the life support, I was utterly convinced there would be a miracle and she would magically wake up and everything would be alright. But I was wrong and she died, and it was shit.
And this is shit. It isn't anywhere near as shit as the last shitness, my uncle isn't on life support, but on a scale of 1 to shit, we are at the shitty end of the spectrum.
I feel.... ANGRY
Why the fuck do these things happen? Mad things that you don't even consider as a worry just randomly pop up to fuck everything up. I also feel angry at every bellend I have ever met in my life who has moaned about something trivial and claimed to be depressed over it. Like, are you fucking serious you narcissistic, self obsessed, victim playing little cunt, you don't know the meaning of the word. That rant isn't directed at any cunt in particular I have met a few of these morons over the years, it's directed at all of them in general. I was going out with some cunt in 2009 and he was like that. I'm that pissed off with the world I have actually forgotten the pricks name but I was with him for about a year and he was always playing the victim and saying he was depressed. CARL that was it. Fucking prick. He ended up taking loads of anti depressants and complained they didn't work. Yeah you know why that is don't you, because you aren't suffering from depression it's just your life is that boring it would send a glass eye to sleep. That other lad from last year was the same actually now I come to think of it. Terry 2002 he was another one. 2 years I put up with his whinging for. I was young and naïve then I think I was only about 18/19 so I persevered for 2 FUCKING YEARS listening to the whining and the moaning and thinking I could help him. It must be a new breed. I swear to god evolution has stopped working and these pricks are actually degenerating into vegetative organisms who's sole use in life is for a shag. Being older and wiser I have got a lot better at dropkicking the wankers at the very first red flag but I am still livid over all the time I wasted over the years consoling these dickheads. Because I can tell you in 100percent of cases these pathetic specimens are still exactly the fucking same today as they were back then. I saw Terry the other day walking down the road and thought....why have you wasted your life. He must only be about 34, he looks about 50. He had the tools available to build a decent life but instead he wasted it on being a martyr and now he looks suicidal. God I have fucked some losers in my time.
I have gone a little off topic here but I feel slightly better after that rant.
So anyway yes my uncle is in a bad way and I and the rest of the family feel helpless and frustrated as does he. I am PRAYING he recovers, I am not sure what will happen if not. In fact I don't think I have the brain space to deal with it.
Speaking of brain, I am quite proud of myself as although I am freaking the fuck out, it is handleable, I don't feel chaotic or unstable which is great because this is precisely the sort of shit that could potentially trigger an episode in me. Thank Christ for the medication, I think this is a good sign. I feel like I feel the "normal" amount of upset/depression as opposed to the bad place. And this suggests I have got the medication balance just right. Every cloud I suppose.
In other news the abstinence based recovery programme I have put myself on in an attempt to ween myself off my ex boyfriends penis has been, on the whole, successful...although I have had a minor wobble this week with the whole abstinence thing and as of right now I just wanna pick up the phone and call him but that is because I am having a little trauma and like I said at the start I am NEEDY right now. I need to be held. That's what I really miss about him, he would take me in his big strong arms and I would feel so small and safe...when he wasn't giving me black eyes and threatening to kill me of course. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP.
Here we have the problem. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. I haven't been interested since we split up. It has been over 18months on this single life and aside from the odd waifs and strays along the way there has been precisely no one that has really got that fire burning inside me. I get asked out about once a fortnight...mostly from the same guy who I shagged a few times while back and then he didn't stop calling for years ever since. I do sort of have my eye on someone. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to flirt with him a bit, massage his ego, let him feel like he is chasing me, bed him and then shag him for a few months while telling him what he wants to here and buying him a chippy now and again, but honestly, that shit gets complicated really quickly. There is nothing worse than complicated mediocre.
So not wanting a boyfriend, and can't be arsed with casual what do I do in a situation of neediness?
I think you know what I would normally do. But I am not going to do that this time I am going to resist that urge and keep my sobriety. Might message all my loser ex's with a full breakdown as to where their lives went wrong ha
I will try and cut a long story very short on this one because I don't really want to discuss it but in a nutshell my dad has 2 brothers and a sister. 1 of the brothers decided he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family any more at Christmas for reason's that aren't entirely clear to anyone but that's by the by, the point is, within a week of this kick off occurring something really really shitty happened to the other brother.
I spent this evening with him and my auntie and my dad and his family and I just feel so fucking shitty. Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope to god he recovers. I have faith that he will recover. But do you know what happened last time I had a family member have something shitty happen and I had faith that they would recover? She didn't fucking recover. She died. I had faith right up until we switched off the life support, I was utterly convinced there would be a miracle and she would magically wake up and everything would be alright. But I was wrong and she died, and it was shit.
And this is shit. It isn't anywhere near as shit as the last shitness, my uncle isn't on life support, but on a scale of 1 to shit, we are at the shitty end of the spectrum.
I feel.... ANGRY
Why the fuck do these things happen? Mad things that you don't even consider as a worry just randomly pop up to fuck everything up. I also feel angry at every bellend I have ever met in my life who has moaned about something trivial and claimed to be depressed over it. Like, are you fucking serious you narcissistic, self obsessed, victim playing little cunt, you don't know the meaning of the word. That rant isn't directed at any cunt in particular I have met a few of these morons over the years, it's directed at all of them in general. I was going out with some cunt in 2009 and he was like that. I'm that pissed off with the world I have actually forgotten the pricks name but I was with him for about a year and he was always playing the victim and saying he was depressed. CARL that was it. Fucking prick. He ended up taking loads of anti depressants and complained they didn't work. Yeah you know why that is don't you, because you aren't suffering from depression it's just your life is that boring it would send a glass eye to sleep. That other lad from last year was the same actually now I come to think of it. Terry 2002 he was another one. 2 years I put up with his whinging for. I was young and naïve then I think I was only about 18/19 so I persevered for 2 FUCKING YEARS listening to the whining and the moaning and thinking I could help him. It must be a new breed. I swear to god evolution has stopped working and these pricks are actually degenerating into vegetative organisms who's sole use in life is for a shag. Being older and wiser I have got a lot better at dropkicking the wankers at the very first red flag but I am still livid over all the time I wasted over the years consoling these dickheads. Because I can tell you in 100percent of cases these pathetic specimens are still exactly the fucking same today as they were back then. I saw Terry the other day walking down the road and thought....why have you wasted your life. He must only be about 34, he looks about 50. He had the tools available to build a decent life but instead he wasted it on being a martyr and now he looks suicidal. God I have fucked some losers in my time.
I have gone a little off topic here but I feel slightly better after that rant.
So anyway yes my uncle is in a bad way and I and the rest of the family feel helpless and frustrated as does he. I am PRAYING he recovers, I am not sure what will happen if not. In fact I don't think I have the brain space to deal with it.
Speaking of brain, I am quite proud of myself as although I am freaking the fuck out, it is handleable, I don't feel chaotic or unstable which is great because this is precisely the sort of shit that could potentially trigger an episode in me. Thank Christ for the medication, I think this is a good sign. I feel like I feel the "normal" amount of upset/depression as opposed to the bad place. And this suggests I have got the medication balance just right. Every cloud I suppose.
In other news the abstinence based recovery programme I have put myself on in an attempt to ween myself off my ex boyfriends penis has been, on the whole, successful...although I have had a minor wobble this week with the whole abstinence thing and as of right now I just wanna pick up the phone and call him but that is because I am having a little trauma and like I said at the start I am NEEDY right now. I need to be held. That's what I really miss about him, he would take me in his big strong arms and I would feel so small and safe...when he wasn't giving me black eyes and threatening to kill me of course. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP.
Here we have the problem. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. I haven't been interested since we split up. It has been over 18months on this single life and aside from the odd waifs and strays along the way there has been precisely no one that has really got that fire burning inside me. I get asked out about once a fortnight...mostly from the same guy who I shagged a few times while back and then he didn't stop calling for years ever since. I do sort of have my eye on someone. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to flirt with him a bit, massage his ego, let him feel like he is chasing me, bed him and then shag him for a few months while telling him what he wants to here and buying him a chippy now and again, but honestly, that shit gets complicated really quickly. There is nothing worse than complicated mediocre.
So not wanting a boyfriend, and can't be arsed with casual what do I do in a situation of neediness?
I think you know what I would normally do. But I am not going to do that this time I am going to resist that urge and keep my sobriety. Might message all my loser ex's with a full breakdown as to where their lives went wrong ha
Friday 4 March 2016
Crisis of confidence
Ok... I'm freaking out.
When I first decided to embark on this whole uni shin dig I had just split up with ash and I desperately needed something to focus on. The course I got on was perfect. One day a week, interesting, and I got to meet some fabulous people. There have been a few moments along the way where I have though "what the hell are you doing? You can't do this!" But on the whole I have been really successful.
So successful in fact, that it is now pretty much certain that not only will I be starting a full on law degree at the university of Liverpool in September, I will also be getting an excellence bursary for achievement on my current course. This is massively a big deal. Provided there are no massive fuck ups on my part of course
Ok. So here I am sitting here with my invite to my discovery day at uni in a couple of weeks. The law building is actually the same place I currently attend so there will be no surprises. This is all starting to feel very real. When I first started this I didn't really have a plan as to what I was going to go on to do and really just wanted to do it for fun more than anything however I quickly decided law was the way forward which was always my plan as a kid "what do you want to be when you grow up" sort of thing.
Well I'm all grown up now. And I am starting to look ahead as to what comes after uni. The options are as follows.
1. Stay in my current job and have the whole few years of study be just for a piece of paper and a warm glow inside.
2. Get on the graduate programme with my current employer which is no more money than I currently earn.
3. Get a training contract with a solicitors firm, do the legal practice qualification and become a solicitor earning a mid range salary.
4. Get on a graduate scheme with another business (prob same salary as I earn now)
5. Go into the police force and do their 3year fast track to inspector course (unsure of salary, probably the same as I'm on now but sounds fun)
6. Have a stab at the bar... Become a shit hot barrister complete with white wig and black robes, arguing the toss in court for a living and earning squillions.
Option 6 is enticing me I'm not gonna lie.
Ok so here's where the freak out is happening. Every time I think about it and get excited there's that "what are you thinking? You can't fucking do that! Mentalist" minion going on at me. It's so competitive. Is that world a place for a scouser? What if I'm shit at it and end up back where I started? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF????
I'm literally shitting myself right now. And it's not even for another few years until I make that decision but I feel as if I'm going to seriously attempt to make it in this profession I need to start thinking about it now.
It's so competitive so I figure there are 2 realistic routes in. One being exceptional academic achievement and the other being doing some serious networking and making friends with the right people.
It feels so big and scary right now I feel like hiding away and not bothering.
I won't of course. I don't back down for any fucker. But I'm scared shitless and I don't know how I will ever get there.
Having said that, I had the exact same feeling this time last year about starting at UoL in the first place and look at me now. SMASHING IT is the only way to describe it.
So yes that's what is going on at the minute and what is occupying my every waking thought. I am hoping it will all come together and the road I take will be beautifully lit up for me.... I guess we will have to wait and see
Xxxxx
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