Feeling Meh

I am feeling needy and shitty tonight

I will try and cut a long story very short on this one because I don't really want to discuss it but in a nutshell my dad has 2 brothers and a sister. 1 of the brothers decided he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family any more at Christmas for reason's that aren't entirely clear to anyone but that's by the by, the point is, within a week of this kick off occurring something really really shitty happened to the other brother.

I spent this evening with him and my auntie and my dad and his family and I just feel so fucking shitty. Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope to god he recovers. I have faith that he will recover. But do you know what happened last time I had a family member have something shitty happen and I had faith that they would recover? She didn't fucking recover. She died. I had faith right up until we switched off the life support, I was utterly convinced there would be a miracle and she would magically wake up and everything would be alright. But I was wrong and she died, and it was shit.

And this is shit. It isn't anywhere near as shit as the last shitness, my uncle isn't on life support, but on a scale of 1 to shit, we are at the shitty end of the spectrum.

I feel.... ANGRY

Why the fuck do these things happen? Mad things that you don't even consider as a worry just randomly pop up to fuck everything up. I also feel angry at every bellend I have ever met in my life who has moaned about something trivial and claimed to be depressed over it. Like, are you fucking serious you narcissistic, self obsessed, victim playing little cunt, you don't know the meaning of the word. That rant isn't directed at any cunt in particular I have met a few of these morons over the years, it's directed at all of them in general. I was going out with some cunt in 2009 and he was like that. I'm that pissed off with the world I have actually forgotten the pricks name but I was with him for about a year and he was always playing the victim and saying he was depressed. CARL that was it. Fucking prick. He ended up taking loads of anti depressants and complained they didn't work. Yeah you know why that is don't you, because you aren't suffering from depression it's just your life is that boring it would send a glass eye to sleep. That other lad from last year was the same actually now I come to think of it. Terry 2002 he was another one. 2 years I put up with his whinging for. I was young and naïve then I think I was only about 18/19 so I persevered for 2 FUCKING YEARS listening to the whining and the moaning and thinking I could help him. It must be a new breed. I swear to god evolution has stopped working and these pricks are actually degenerating into vegetative organisms who's sole use in life is for a shag. Being older and wiser I have got a lot better at dropkicking the wankers at the very first red flag but I am still livid over all the time I wasted over the years consoling these dickheads. Because I can tell you in 100percent of cases these pathetic specimens are still exactly the fucking same today as they were back then. I saw Terry the other day walking down the road and thought....why have you wasted your life. He must only be about 34, he looks about 50. He had the tools available to build a decent life but instead he wasted it on being a martyr and now he looks suicidal. God I have fucked some losers in my time.

I have gone a little off topic here but I feel slightly better after that rant.

So anyway yes my uncle is in a bad way and I and the rest of the family feel helpless and frustrated as does he. I am PRAYING he recovers, I am not sure what will happen if not. In fact I don't think I have the brain space to deal with it.

Speaking of brain, I am quite proud of myself as although I am freaking the fuck out, it is handleable, I don't feel chaotic or unstable which is great because this is precisely the sort of shit that could potentially trigger an episode in me. Thank Christ for the medication, I think this is a good sign. I feel like I feel the "normal" amount of upset/depression as opposed to the bad place. And this suggests I have got the medication balance just right. Every cloud I suppose.

In other news the abstinence based recovery programme I have put myself on in an attempt to ween myself off my ex boyfriends penis has been, on the whole, successful...although I have had a minor wobble this week with the whole abstinence thing and as of right now I just wanna pick up the phone and call him but that is because I am having a little trauma and like I said at the start I am NEEDY right now. I need to be held. That's what I really miss about him, he would take me in his big strong arms and I would feel so small and safe...when he wasn't giving me black eyes and threatening to kill me of course. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP.

Here we have the problem. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. I haven't been interested since we split up. It has been over 18months on this single life and aside from the odd waifs and strays along the way there has been precisely no one that has really got that fire burning inside me. I get asked out about once a fortnight...mostly from the same guy who I shagged a few times while back and then he didn't stop calling for years ever since. I do sort of have my eye on someone. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to flirt with him a bit, massage his ego, let him feel like he is chasing me, bed him and then shag him for a few months while telling him what he wants to here and buying him a chippy now and again, but honestly, that shit gets complicated really quickly. There is nothing worse than complicated mediocre.

So not wanting a boyfriend, and can't be arsed with casual what do I do in a situation of neediness?

I think you know what I would normally do. But I am not going to do that this time I am going to resist that urge and keep my sobriety. Might message all my loser ex's with a full breakdown as to where their lives went wrong ha