Crisis

It would appear I have been on somewhat of a roller coaster these past few months, and I have come to realise today it is the biggest most scariest roller coaster I have ever been on In my life.

The most irritating part of this god forsaken ride is that just when you think it's levelled out and your nearly at the safe bit, there will be another even bigger scarier drop that comes from nowhere, and it is at the bottom of that bastard which I find myself today.

I saw him on Friday. I went out for drinks and he was over the road in a bar. He saw me. He came outside 5 times to look at me. I couldn't tell if it was a look of apologetic longing or a look of angry murder.

And this simple thing has sent me plummeting to depths I have never been to before.

People who do not understand about domestic violence ask innocently "why do you stay", "I don't get it". I can answer that question with great ease. The relationship completely chips away at your self worth, your self esteem, and your mind.
To the point that this absolutely excruciating pain I am suffering now and have been continuously for 5 weeks is just simply not worth it. It is easier to put up with the relationship and have periods of happiness than to go through the total trauma of ending it and having court cases and police and having no real way of coming to terms with anything because you are ripped out of the situation with no discussion, no answers, and no strength.

As a rational person I can still see that is probably the best way and when I come to the end of this journey I will ultimately realise it was the best way and that better days are ahead. But right now I would give anything to make this pain stop.

My mind is racing. I can't cobble together a rational thought.

Currently in my head are screams of "he spit at you, he strangled you, he forced you to have an abortion, he loved you, you miss him, you were happy, he called you fat, he cheated on you, he used you, you miss him"... Constantly 24hours a day. It's been like that since about last Monday. Right out of nowhere as I had been feeling a lot better up until then.

If you can imagine your mind being like that constantly, it might make more sense when I say I don't know how to make it stop or what to do. I am breathless and panicky because of the relentless craziness in my wonky little brain!

Plan is to ride it out for a couple of days. Went to my mums but had to come home coz she was pissed off with amount of sniffing I was doing In between muffled sobs. Everyone's getting fed up of me now. And this is where it could get dangerous for me as I will probably start to pretend like everything's fine again whilst at the same time withdrawing from all interaction with anyone.

Dear fucking god. If anyone has suffered from depression I would be interested in your comments as this is the worst iv ever felt in my whole life!


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