So I went out on Friday night, downed 3 bottles of wine and didn't get to bed until 6am. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
Spent yesterday suicidal. Spoke to his mum to ask why she deleted me and she said it was coz she didn't want him asking things about me and so by deleting me if she didn't know things she couldn't tell him. Tell him fucking what? That I'm a mess. He already knows.
He lost his job at the cocktail bar. Presumably because of this. Filled with guilt about that. And apparently he's moving into a flat tomorrow. Feel lost and out of control that I don't know where he is living or working. Thought he might have gone back down to London but it sounds like he's got another job up here and he is staying. Had a quick look on his fb on my mates profile because she's still friends with him and there are a lot of statuses about being in terrible pain and emptiness so it seems he's just as fucked as me.
For those who read my previous blogs the dude in question is Andy. Remember Andy? Yes well he ended up moving up here to be with me and all was great apart from a couple of occasions where he assaulted me.
I got in my car still in my pyjamas and came to my mums where I sobbed continuously for 3 hours with her rubbing my back. Have been trying to hide all this from her but simply couldn't do it any longer. I'm still here.
Dreading work tomorrow. I have a choice I can either go get signed off with depression or attempt to soldier on but right now the thought of leaving the safety of my mums fills me with dread.
Tried to go on that tinder to see if I could find any nice boys but seem to have just been bombarded with messages from all sorts of probably very nice boys but just I'm not interested at all. Very worrying state of mental ness at the moment. Can't seem to rouse myself into action or see any sort of future for myself.
Sent one message to this lad that used to stalk me yesterday when I was pissed in the morning and he bombarded me with texts all day. I only sent hello. He's got a bird tho which is why I never bothered with him last year and it would appear he's still got one
Idea that men are all gobshites reinforced right there.
Fucked up
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