Deteriorating!!!!!

Friday 25th
Ciggies shit loads
Food intake 12 cocktail sausages
Drugs 1 x anti d

I'm starting to piss myself off now. Had big plans to take my son out for the day but he point blank refused to leave the house preferring to sit in on his iPad. On reflection that seems to have been a good shout from the 7 year old because those fucking giants looked like the gatekeepers of hell and in general it's been far too hot to move.

I woke up alright to be fair, no punched in the stomach feeling of despair or anything but by about 10.30 that had gone and I took to my bed with little dramatic tears falling silently down my cheeks like you see on adverts.

Then, during my weakest moment I did the stupidest thing I could possibly have done and sent him a message on facebook. Told him I missed him and that he needed to get help for his issues.

Someone just punch me in the face

He's read it but he didn't reply of course, he can't because of his bail conditions. Either that or he's shagged his way around the business district bars by now. Hate thinking of him banging about.

This is the thing about abusive relationships. Well mine anyway. For the most part they are happy loving and fun. Be different if I actively hated him and was joyful that it's over but even after everything I still love him. And i know it must be over and it fucking is just the biggest shitter ever.

I'm just getting ready to go to Gateacre and have a dinner and beer garden situation with one of my bezzies. I say dinner, I can't keep any food down so I will probably push something around my plate and then down shit loads of wine.

This is what scares me the most. I'm single, almost 30 and skint and also fairly significantly fucked up. No one is going to want me now apart from weirdos. Fuck it I'm getting a vodka now while I get ready.




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