Drowning

Thursday 24th July
Ciggies - 15
Drugs anti d and Valium
Food intake 1x muesli 1x ice cream 5x grapes 2x bottles of sprite


Swerved work again today. Reckon I need a few days to regroup. Woke up this morning feeling very sad. I hate waking up alone. I spent the majority of my 20s single. It was fun flitting about off on holiday all the time and having boy fun but looking back it appears it was basically
Full of twats messing me around. The big 30 is winking at me menacingly now.
I'm ready to settle down now
With a nice normal grown up man with a proper job and a bank account and intelligence. Where the fuck is he?! My ex told me id never get anyone else. He said id find people that want to fuck me and that's it. Think he might be right.

My exs mum has deleted me off facebook. That hurt. She had always been supportive of me in the past as he had threatened her before and also attacked his sister. She hasn't been supportive this time. I think he must have spoken to her before I had a chance to. God knows what he's telling people. I put photos up of me out on Saturday night and my black eye was clearly visible. People then obviously started commenting and I'm wondering if she saw the comments and couldn't take it. Who knows anyway but I feel like he's making out it's my fault.

Decided to leave the house so went down to otterspool. Fucking 30p extra for a flake in my 99er!! Sat by the river and started to hear Ella Henderson "ghost" in my head. Concluded I was a sad act and returned home to the sofa. Resisted overwhelming urge to go to the bar where he works to see him and sob so that's a positive. Fuck me this is vile.

Been watching a lot of judge judy. I like the way she tells gobshites that they are vile. The problem with my current situation is that I'm spending a lot of time alone. Wish all of my friends would give up their jobs and come and sit with me and fan me down. Iv got plans all weekend though so hopefully that will be better. Also been left right in shit street financially since I don't have his (pitiful) money coming in so iv organised some work on the side being an extra in hollyoaks. Mad isn't it. Going to be hanging around the hollyoaks hunks and even that can't excite me. Are there even any hunks in hollyoaks? Don't even watch it. Be my luck to get there and it be full of geriatric fat men that piss themselves. I'm sure they do a fit blokes off hollyoaks calendar though so here's hoping.

Weight plummeting. This raises a small smile. Gonna drop another Valium and go to bed soon as Thursday has royally sucked sweaty arse x


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