Good evening my lovelies
I am compelled to blog tonight on the advice of my therapist! (Well I am supposed to be keeping a daily diary but I thought what the hell I'll blog this fucker).
So.
Life has been pretty much perfect recently. Like literally could not be going better. I am IN LOVE with my new student life and on the whole feel generally fantastic.
However, yesterday I hit a little stumbling block and it reminded me how precarious my position is both mental health wise and DV recovery wise.
The morning began with a criminal law lecture. 9am. And we moved onto a new topic... "Non fatal, non sexual offences against the person". Now immediately you will realise this somewhat strikes a cord with me as we were talking about essentially the offence my ex was convicted of.
I was feeling strong, I thought hey I can do this! In fact it may even help me in my studies having a bit of prior knowledge of the sitch! Took a little photo and posted it to twitter with a little joke caption about how I know all about this however deep down inside I was feeling MINOR yet REAL pangs of anxiety.
Left the lecture, hung out with my friend for a bit and went to collect my first properly marked essay and I was OVERJOYED to find that I had got a first for it! Excellent, I thought. I am doing what I need to be doing and it is paying off. Fabulous. Went for lunch with another friend who bought me a celebratory burrito and all was well in the world.
After lunch I went and met up with another (and if I may say so particularly fabulous) mate gee as we had scheduled a little study date to revise homicide as we had a little practice mock exam in it this week. I hadn't quite managed to shake of the earlier feeling of angst but I was able to put it to one side and have a nice time. In fact, we went to a bar after studying before our last lecture and our other mate Emma came and I was sitting there just thinking about how happy I am and then I bought myself a University of Liverpool Hoodie which I'm not even arsed if you think its sad I'm MADE UP with it. In general, life was sound and I was a happy legal scholar.
BUT THEN
Our final lecture of the day was English Legal Systems and they put it at 4pm on a Tuesday which is obviously vile so all feeling tired we go and take our seats in the lecture theatre. We were sitting there waiting for it to start and I had my phone on the little tabley bit in front of the seats when it began to ring......
It was Ash
Calling me
Now bare in mind I have not spoken to him since like JUNE
Well
Basically I fucking shit myself didn't I. Lashed the phone in the direction of my mates pretty much screaming as if it was made of acid.
My mates had a limited knowledge of the situation as it had come up in conversation so they quickly realised the severity of the situation and honestly like angels sent from God they somehow managed to stop me going into full mental breakdown.
I could feel it coming on. Just the sight of his name on my phone made me want to vomit. A huge wave of anxiety, nausea, the shakes, and that actual feeling of "I'm going to throw up" all happened at the same time. Like seriously I was holding back chunks.
Gee, God love her, she just held onto my arm and thank Christ she did because I seriously don't know what I would have done without her at that point. I was sat in a lecture theatre so I couldn't go anywhere, it was about to start, the lecturer was right in front of me, I was stuck there.
Traumo'd.
So anyway the phone stopped ringing but I knew that wasn't the end. I gave the phone to my mates and said you need to take this because I guarantee there is a text coming now.
I was correct
TEXT: "Hey how are you. Can we have a chat when you are free please".
Looks of disgust where exchanged amongst us three amigos and then the inevitable "but what can he possibly want" thoughts started.
I ignored the text.
And then he rang again.
It was a fucking onslaught, what the hell is going on?!!!! Couldn't cope one bit. Has he sensed I am happy and decided to swoop in? is he psychic? Is he watching me? what in the name of sweet jesus and the orphans is happening!!!!!!!!!
The lecture began and I tried to concentrate as best I could however it was all a little much and basically I couldn't tell you a thing about what we were learning about.
Made it through the lecture and by the time I got to my car there was another text this time with a kiss on the end asking me to call him so... and this potentially was a dickhead move on my part.... I rang him back.
It was a bullshit reason for calling. No one is dead, no one is hurt, quite frankly, it didn't warrant a phone call to anyone let alone me. It is funny because my mate in work asked me if id heard from him the other day and she said "they normally drop in around Christmas" and low and behold here we are.
I reiterated to him that he is a bellend, suggested he sorted his life out, pointed out hes gone precisely nowhere in 2 years and told him I was far too busy and important to be dealing with this shit. He seemed to accept this although there followed a threatening text later about "lets talk tomorrow" which thank CHRIST I am happy to report at 8.15pm has not resulted in a further phonecall so I am *hoping* this may be the end of the incident.
Of course it wont be the end of the incident. He'l be back on the blower in a few days I'm sure of it. And for some strange reason I am powerless to do anything about it. Because, any normal person would just block him right? Well..... I DONT WANT TO. Work that one out.
I know you will all be reading this thinking fucking soft cow just block the cunt and move on well let me tell you as SOON as I am over it and no longer in love with him I will get right on that but right now folks I am saddened to say that I am NOT over it and I probably wont EVER be over it so FUCKING SUCK ON THAT!
Sorry
My mind is erratic at the moment and I am sure this is probably translating into my words.
Anyway after all this carry on I then had to complete this mock exam thing and I'm telling you now its shit. Its the biggest pile of shit ive ever written and I feel ashamed handing it in.
So here, dearest readers, we have a prime example of how a mere phone call can fuck up ones day, ones studying and ones cheery disposition. And that is not ok. What is even less ok is that I am allowing it to happen. I know I am allowing it to happen and therefore am not only expecting judgement I am actively inviting it.
It is strange terrain I find myself in here. I cant explain it, but I am torn between loving him and missing him, and at the same time never wishing to speak to or see him ever ever again. It would almost be easier if he was dead. I know that sounds awful and I am not wishing anyone dead here or anything but It would be so much easier. In fact I pretty much tell myself he is dead every day which I suspect may be why I find it so disconcerting to receive a phonecall from him at 4pm on a random Tuesday frigging afternoon!
And relax!
I feel a lot better offloading these random thoughts actually. Turns out the therapist is right, Its good to talk.
I know I suffer with a touch of the crazies, and I know that my levels of whatever aren't the same as everyone elses, but I swear to god each and every time I have a major depressive episode, you can usually trace it right the way back to SOME FUCKING CUNT.
So what have we learned from this? How will we turn this into a positive?
1. I have come so far. I am a million miles away from the girl rocking under the Spider-Man blanket with a black eye. I have got myself to uni. I am studying Law, I am gettind FIRSTS in fucking law and in general I am kicking ass left right and centre
2. I acknowledge and accept that Ash is my Achilles heel, I was essentially a battered and abused person and therefore its perfectly sound to feel a little shitty about that now and again.
3. I haven't cried. This is surely a positive. I haven't cried or had the slightest inclination to call or text him. I have however bawlked but no sick came out.
4. Must not let the bastard further into my head. He is always there. I think about him every day I'll be honest. But he's not the main thought in my head, he's far at the back now with GCSE science.
5. It turns out, I am boss at law. I am going to be a super shit hot lawyer and super shit hot lawyers do no associate with the biscuits.
Right. Feeling much better now! Until next time! xxx
PS I am aware this is full of typos but you aren't my tutor so calm yaself down!
Wednesday 23 November 2016
Friday 14 October 2016
uni life
It is that time of the year again, I have broken my phone! Dropped it yesterday morning making breakfast and now I have had to send it off to the insurance to get repaired. Probably the 20th time I have done this in my life. Fuming with myself!!
So anyway as I am phoneless and reduced to going old school on a laptop to communicate with the outside world I decided to write a little blog update!!!
What an absolute whirlwind my life has become!!!
So as you all know I have started full time uni and I am now officially a law student... or a "trainee lawyer" as they like to call us... I like that title, I think I will stick to it!
Freshers week started with a blast. By day two I was mid week drinking. The amount of free dominos was unbelievable. And I even got involved with some non law related societies... check me out, I'm in the astronomy society!!!!!!!!!
The heavy stuff started pretty much immediately. I found myself quickly snowed under with work, none of which was making much sense. Also for some reason its all in fucking Latin which is both interesting and irritating at the same time! My method of forcing everyone I came across to be friends with me has worked tremendously and I am now in a WhatsApp group chat with 85 members in it. What a time to be alive!
I have to admit, the lifestyle change was striking and there have been a few moments where I have thought to myself "what the hell am I doing"!!! A crisis of confidence to say the least. I would say a Law degree at a Russell Group university certainly sorts the brave from the weak. There is a reason why it is a difficult degree to get on!!!!! But what it has shown me is how much broader my horizons now are. I feel like my life has been yanked off its original trajectory and I am now hurtling UPWARDS at a furious speed. It is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. When I think back to my days before uni... getting up every day to go to a boring job which while convenient and nicely paid literally sucked the life out of me... I wake up every morning now excited for the day ahead. And that is such a brilliant feeling. Not that I have given up work completely mind you. I still do 4 hours on a Thursday morning and a few hours over the weekend but it very much feels like my "Saturday Job" rather than one of the biggest portions of my life.
The only problem with this picture is with uni being 5 days a week and my working the weekends, I am now doing 7 day weeks. This is exhausting and this week, the inevitable happened... I got sick. Dying of what is commonly referred to as freshers flu I had to miss lectures today and stay in bed. I am off work tomorrow but meant to be in Sunday and if I am still feeling like this I think I might have to phone in sick!!! I hate phoning in sick. I am normally only ever off sick due to mental breakdown reasons so I am really hoping I am better for sunday as I don't want to have to phone in sick with a cold. They will probably think I am taking the piss as its only my second week back but I am quickly learning with a uni/work/personal schedule this hectic, I HAVE to start looking after myself otherwise If I continue to the point of physical and mental exhaustion I will be out of action for months. So I will see how I feel on Sunday but for now I am curled up in bed with Netflix and a shit load of cold and flu rememdies. There are scrumpled up tissues all over my floor. This is not an uncommon sight for my bedroom to be honest but usually its post sex clean up rather than snot haha!!!
I have been thinking a lot about Ash this week. I know exactly why, in criminal law we have been discussing mens rea which I wont bore you too much with but it basically means guilty mind. what was the defendants intention when commiting the offence. We have also been discussing common assault and criminal damage which where the two offences he was convicted of in the end with me. I have been thinking..... what a fucking bellend. I can't believe I was in love with him. I mean I say this half heartedly as the fact I'm thinking about him at all speaks volumes but, and it has taken a long time to get to this point, but I feel like it was in the past now. I would say up until a few months ago it still felt very much in my present. It is difficult to try and rebuild your life after horrible things happen to you. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to be over it too quickly and was becoming frustrated that it still affected me so much. I can quite comfortably say now that what happened was abuse. I know that's weird and you are probably thinking er yes of course it was abuse, you even state recovery from abuse in your blog title you wierdo, but I think deep down really I was still excusing that behaviour and rationalising it as something else in my head.
You know what else I have been thinking about. During each episode... I never ever fought back. Well I mean he was a lot stronger than me anyway so resistance was futile but I just think now if anyone ever touched me like that again I would have absolutely no problem in stabbing them in the eye with my acrylics.
Anyway enough of that, I am so over being a victim of that situation. I am winning at life and hes still on 8 quid an hour. Meff
This week I had my first properly assessed piece of work that counts towards my degree. Well its 5 percent of a 15 credit module and there are 120 credits a year so its only a microscopic portion but nonetheless it is important.
I had a test
It was 20 questions
I got 100percent
Now let me tell you boys and girls this was not your run of the mill if in doubt pick c sort of test it was a motherfucking complicated test which went on about ratio decedeni and obiter dictum and all sorts of shit and I. GOT. 100PERCENT
Crisis of confidence.... evaporated.
I can do this. And not only can I do this, I can do this fucking well
Game on Bitches. I'm off to be a lawyer xxx
So anyway as I am phoneless and reduced to going old school on a laptop to communicate with the outside world I decided to write a little blog update!!!
What an absolute whirlwind my life has become!!!
So as you all know I have started full time uni and I am now officially a law student... or a "trainee lawyer" as they like to call us... I like that title, I think I will stick to it!
Freshers week started with a blast. By day two I was mid week drinking. The amount of free dominos was unbelievable. And I even got involved with some non law related societies... check me out, I'm in the astronomy society!!!!!!!!!
The heavy stuff started pretty much immediately. I found myself quickly snowed under with work, none of which was making much sense. Also for some reason its all in fucking Latin which is both interesting and irritating at the same time! My method of forcing everyone I came across to be friends with me has worked tremendously and I am now in a WhatsApp group chat with 85 members in it. What a time to be alive!
I have to admit, the lifestyle change was striking and there have been a few moments where I have thought to myself "what the hell am I doing"!!! A crisis of confidence to say the least. I would say a Law degree at a Russell Group university certainly sorts the brave from the weak. There is a reason why it is a difficult degree to get on!!!!! But what it has shown me is how much broader my horizons now are. I feel like my life has been yanked off its original trajectory and I am now hurtling UPWARDS at a furious speed. It is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. When I think back to my days before uni... getting up every day to go to a boring job which while convenient and nicely paid literally sucked the life out of me... I wake up every morning now excited for the day ahead. And that is such a brilliant feeling. Not that I have given up work completely mind you. I still do 4 hours on a Thursday morning and a few hours over the weekend but it very much feels like my "Saturday Job" rather than one of the biggest portions of my life.
The only problem with this picture is with uni being 5 days a week and my working the weekends, I am now doing 7 day weeks. This is exhausting and this week, the inevitable happened... I got sick. Dying of what is commonly referred to as freshers flu I had to miss lectures today and stay in bed. I am off work tomorrow but meant to be in Sunday and if I am still feeling like this I think I might have to phone in sick!!! I hate phoning in sick. I am normally only ever off sick due to mental breakdown reasons so I am really hoping I am better for sunday as I don't want to have to phone in sick with a cold. They will probably think I am taking the piss as its only my second week back but I am quickly learning with a uni/work/personal schedule this hectic, I HAVE to start looking after myself otherwise If I continue to the point of physical and mental exhaustion I will be out of action for months. So I will see how I feel on Sunday but for now I am curled up in bed with Netflix and a shit load of cold and flu rememdies. There are scrumpled up tissues all over my floor. This is not an uncommon sight for my bedroom to be honest but usually its post sex clean up rather than snot haha!!!
I have been thinking a lot about Ash this week. I know exactly why, in criminal law we have been discussing mens rea which I wont bore you too much with but it basically means guilty mind. what was the defendants intention when commiting the offence. We have also been discussing common assault and criminal damage which where the two offences he was convicted of in the end with me. I have been thinking..... what a fucking bellend. I can't believe I was in love with him. I mean I say this half heartedly as the fact I'm thinking about him at all speaks volumes but, and it has taken a long time to get to this point, but I feel like it was in the past now. I would say up until a few months ago it still felt very much in my present. It is difficult to try and rebuild your life after horrible things happen to you. I think I was putting too much pressure on myself to be over it too quickly and was becoming frustrated that it still affected me so much. I can quite comfortably say now that what happened was abuse. I know that's weird and you are probably thinking er yes of course it was abuse, you even state recovery from abuse in your blog title you wierdo, but I think deep down really I was still excusing that behaviour and rationalising it as something else in my head.
You know what else I have been thinking about. During each episode... I never ever fought back. Well I mean he was a lot stronger than me anyway so resistance was futile but I just think now if anyone ever touched me like that again I would have absolutely no problem in stabbing them in the eye with my acrylics.
Anyway enough of that, I am so over being a victim of that situation. I am winning at life and hes still on 8 quid an hour. Meff
This week I had my first properly assessed piece of work that counts towards my degree. Well its 5 percent of a 15 credit module and there are 120 credits a year so its only a microscopic portion but nonetheless it is important.
I had a test
It was 20 questions
I got 100percent
Now let me tell you boys and girls this was not your run of the mill if in doubt pick c sort of test it was a motherfucking complicated test which went on about ratio decedeni and obiter dictum and all sorts of shit and I. GOT. 100PERCENT
Crisis of confidence.... evaporated.
I can do this. And not only can I do this, I can do this fucking well
Game on Bitches. I'm off to be a lawyer xxx
Tuesday 6 September 2016
Wake me up when September ends
After a glorious summer off I have decided to throw a little blog out there!!
First thing to know is I absolutely smashed the shit out of my uni course, I got a first and now I will be starting a full time Law degree at the university of Liverpool on September 19th... THIS IS A FUCKING MASSIVELY BIG DEAL!
Over the summer I got my head in some serious law books... already being a student I have access to the reading lists and library so I decided to give myself a head start on all those young whippersnappers who are probably still lying in a pool of their own vomit after discovering 24hour licensing and 241 shots...as we all did. I had a look at the forthcoming modules... there's quite a few assignments, about 5 or so exams and a presentation (woohooo, one loves a fucking audience)... so I have to admit I have been feeling quietly confident about the whole thing... until now.
IM FUCKING BRICKING IT
Modules say I should be doing about 40 hours a week private study by myself. I also have to work 16 hours in my (what will hereafter be referred to as my) Saturday job, in addition to bringing up a 9 year old and maintaining a house singlehanded. Quite frankly it is starting to sound a little daunting. I have therefore come up with a few little ground rules for myself which will hopefully help me to keep on top of things.
1. I will complete my reading as and when I get it and also make a point of finding at least 5 extra sources to reference, even if I only read a sentence of each 5 said sources. Its all about the wider reading
2. I will only go out drinking once per month and I will not consume any illegal substances that may lead to one night out becoming a bender spanning several days.
3. I will only shag a MAXIMUM of 3 fitties.
4. Said fitties will NOT be in my class and preferably will not be studying law. Lesson 5009 = Don't shit where you eat.
5. I will get up at 5.30am on a Tuesday and Thursday to do housework
6. When rule number 5 inevitably doesn't happen I will employ a cleaner having already set aside £2000 for "household maintenance" which I defo defo believe a cleaner comes under that umbrella
7. I will not enter the Krazyhouse or any other known dive at any point whatsoever no matter how much they try and make me.
8. I will maintain my monthly adventures out into the countryside to ensure rest and relaxation in none alcoholic form.
9. I will not stay overnight in any form of halls of residence and it doesn't matter how big the occupants cock is.
10. I WILL NOT SHAG MY EX BOYFRIEND.
I believe armed with these crucial guidelines will give me the best chance of success. I want a first class degree, I am just throwing that out there now. A scientist guy a few months ago told me he disagreed it was possible to get a first in law, very few manage it. I binned him off shortly after that conversation as his negativity was astounding and this guy was researching a cure for fucking cancer so I don't hold out much hope for that happening any time soon with downers like that on the case. Tit. I am really in one of those I know where I am going, I know how to make it happen so you are either by my side or in my fucking way sort of frame of mind. I have made the executive decision to do my first year single. Tough decision but the right one. The last thing I need right now is a fucking passenger. Having said that Lawyer boyfriends ARE permitted so long as they are successful and can inspire and educate me. Seems reasonable to me.
I have included the last rule as an afterthought. Having successfully avoided that situation since JUNE(!!!) I had a marginal wobble this evening and almost called him...like, the phone was in my hand, and I was in contacts, and then I burst into tears. This has not happened for a while and I feel little better now but as we are fully aware dear readers I am ever so slightly unhinged from time to time and this could well be the start of the slippery slope again. I don't even know why any more. Its been 2 years now since the main horrendousness and still it is sad to say that no one has come close to him and how in love I was(probably still am). Looking rationally though this probably speaks volumes about the drastically poor quality of dudes I have come across SINCE him rather than the quality of him himself. I have chalked this blip tonight down to mental retardation and will defo be discussing it with my therapist tomorrow.
Yes, you heard me correctly, I have a therapist now!
Hurraaaaah I hear you cry! Finally some professional help for this psychopath! This is my third therapist to be honest. My first was treating me for PTSD due to violent incidents but as I was still in the relationship and experiencing it at the time it wasn't really very helpful. I also had a domestic violence therapist who came out to my house every week in the weeks after the final incident which, while very helpful, was during the single most traumatic period of my life and therefore was more to help me get through it rather than look at my long term recovery. Lest we forget domestic violence is the tip of the iceberg of issues... I am crackers enough on my own. So yes I know have a therapist who I will be speaking to during a stableish period and will hopefully equip me with the normal life skills that people without my problems already have... (well allegedly have, some of you are just as fucked as me from what I can see!).
That's all for now! Expect a psychotic episode to kick in round about November when I am bollocks deep in uni work and begging for mercy!
xxx
First thing to know is I absolutely smashed the shit out of my uni course, I got a first and now I will be starting a full time Law degree at the university of Liverpool on September 19th... THIS IS A FUCKING MASSIVELY BIG DEAL!
Over the summer I got my head in some serious law books... already being a student I have access to the reading lists and library so I decided to give myself a head start on all those young whippersnappers who are probably still lying in a pool of their own vomit after discovering 24hour licensing and 241 shots...as we all did. I had a look at the forthcoming modules... there's quite a few assignments, about 5 or so exams and a presentation (woohooo, one loves a fucking audience)... so I have to admit I have been feeling quietly confident about the whole thing... until now.
IM FUCKING BRICKING IT
Modules say I should be doing about 40 hours a week private study by myself. I also have to work 16 hours in my (what will hereafter be referred to as my) Saturday job, in addition to bringing up a 9 year old and maintaining a house singlehanded. Quite frankly it is starting to sound a little daunting. I have therefore come up with a few little ground rules for myself which will hopefully help me to keep on top of things.
1. I will complete my reading as and when I get it and also make a point of finding at least 5 extra sources to reference, even if I only read a sentence of each 5 said sources. Its all about the wider reading
2. I will only go out drinking once per month and I will not consume any illegal substances that may lead to one night out becoming a bender spanning several days.
3. I will only shag a MAXIMUM of 3 fitties.
4. Said fitties will NOT be in my class and preferably will not be studying law. Lesson 5009 = Don't shit where you eat.
5. I will get up at 5.30am on a Tuesday and Thursday to do housework
6. When rule number 5 inevitably doesn't happen I will employ a cleaner having already set aside £2000 for "household maintenance" which I defo defo believe a cleaner comes under that umbrella
7. I will not enter the Krazyhouse or any other known dive at any point whatsoever no matter how much they try and make me.
8. I will maintain my monthly adventures out into the countryside to ensure rest and relaxation in none alcoholic form.
9. I will not stay overnight in any form of halls of residence and it doesn't matter how big the occupants cock is.
10. I WILL NOT SHAG MY EX BOYFRIEND.
I believe armed with these crucial guidelines will give me the best chance of success. I want a first class degree, I am just throwing that out there now. A scientist guy a few months ago told me he disagreed it was possible to get a first in law, very few manage it. I binned him off shortly after that conversation as his negativity was astounding and this guy was researching a cure for fucking cancer so I don't hold out much hope for that happening any time soon with downers like that on the case. Tit. I am really in one of those I know where I am going, I know how to make it happen so you are either by my side or in my fucking way sort of frame of mind. I have made the executive decision to do my first year single. Tough decision but the right one. The last thing I need right now is a fucking passenger. Having said that Lawyer boyfriends ARE permitted so long as they are successful and can inspire and educate me. Seems reasonable to me.
I have included the last rule as an afterthought. Having successfully avoided that situation since JUNE(!!!) I had a marginal wobble this evening and almost called him...like, the phone was in my hand, and I was in contacts, and then I burst into tears. This has not happened for a while and I feel little better now but as we are fully aware dear readers I am ever so slightly unhinged from time to time and this could well be the start of the slippery slope again. I don't even know why any more. Its been 2 years now since the main horrendousness and still it is sad to say that no one has come close to him and how in love I was(probably still am). Looking rationally though this probably speaks volumes about the drastically poor quality of dudes I have come across SINCE him rather than the quality of him himself. I have chalked this blip tonight down to mental retardation and will defo be discussing it with my therapist tomorrow.
Yes, you heard me correctly, I have a therapist now!
Hurraaaaah I hear you cry! Finally some professional help for this psychopath! This is my third therapist to be honest. My first was treating me for PTSD due to violent incidents but as I was still in the relationship and experiencing it at the time it wasn't really very helpful. I also had a domestic violence therapist who came out to my house every week in the weeks after the final incident which, while very helpful, was during the single most traumatic period of my life and therefore was more to help me get through it rather than look at my long term recovery. Lest we forget domestic violence is the tip of the iceberg of issues... I am crackers enough on my own. So yes I know have a therapist who I will be speaking to during a stableish period and will hopefully equip me with the normal life skills that people without my problems already have... (well allegedly have, some of you are just as fucked as me from what I can see!).
That's all for now! Expect a psychotic episode to kick in round about November when I am bollocks deep in uni work and begging for mercy!
xxx
Friday 20 May 2016
A day in the life of a bipolar student single parent
Good evening my lovelies!
Having managed to complete the rest of my uni work today I am officially FREE to have a life once more! The last few months have been absolutely crazy and I decided last night I was going to get everything done today so I could enjoy my weekend without that "you should be doing work" guilty thought in the back of my mind. I put my 9 year old son to bed early last night with the intention of having an early night myself so I could be up fresh as a daisy and raring to go this morning. Unfortunately I got side tracked with a WhatsApp convo (as ya do) and so didn't end up going to sleep until past midnight....
TODAY
6.30am: Am rudely awoken by someone standing on my head. It's my son. His early night meant he was up at the crack of dawn and he had come into my room to get his ipad which was next to me charging. He apologised, I fumed.
7.30am: Still zombiefied I realise with horror I am going to have to get up. Order son to get washed and dressed. Son informs me his school shirt needs ironing. I fume
7.35am ironed shirt with one eye shut
7.40am throwing miscellaneous food items into sons lunch box. God knows what he ate
8am: half heartedly had a shower... basically got in, got wet, got out. Look like shit
8.15am son demands cocoa pops. I don't have any cocoa pops. give him toast. he fumes, I fume and tell him about the starving kids in Africa etc. realise I sound like my mother. I fume some more
8.30am I pack car up with 9 library books I needed to take back, folders, shepherd son into car
8.40am driving to drop son off at school. son has decided to wear a trilby hat. explain to son that he cant take it to school. he fumes. I fume. forcibly remove hat from son as he vacates the car. he informs me I have ruined his life.
8.45am Mother duties have ceased until 3.15pm and I am free to morph from parent to student
8.50am realise with horror its my half sisters birthday tomorrow. leg it to asda to purchase birthday card
9.00am realise have left phone at home which contains sisters postcode. fume. have to return home to get it.
9.10am retrieve phone from home. address birthday card. drive round the corner to the post box. it says "collection 9am" on it. fume
9.20am back at asda to post birthday card. collection is 3pm. sound. I can set off to be a student now
9.30am I am on the road to uni. drive is horrendous. traffic everywhere. soon as I park it starts to rain. fume.
9.50am arrive at Sydney jones library. place looks like a shelter for the homeless. students are sitting everywhere. at the desks, on the floor, some have spent the night there and slept on the floor. THERE ARE NO AVAILABLE DESKS. fume
10.15am after wandering around the library helplessly looking for a place to park I eventually find a free desk on the second floor. I collapse in a heap. I have still got my coat on from the rain and the library is boiling. fume
10.25am a whole HOUR behind schedule I begin to work. the dream of finishing everything today is slipping away and I quite frankly cant be arsed to do anything.
10.30am japenese girl sitting 2 desks away keeps sneezing and making a sound that is similar to a woodpigeon only louder. economics student sat opposite me gives me a knowing raised eyebrow.
11am decide I cant be arsed doing any more on my philosophy essay and turn it in as is. selects print, am informed I only have 18p printer credit left. have to purchase more. fume
11.10am first assignment is printed and completed. now onto history
11.15am thought my history was almost done but it turns out by almost done I meant I had to write an intro and conclusion. fume. have to read whole essay to remember what the fuck it was I was banging on about. read email from tutor suggesting I include a reference to some book that I can find in the library. glance sadly at my pile of 9 books I have already and go off in search of book number 10.
11.25 book number 10 is located in a "silent" study area. I walk in, my Pandora bracelet rattles, everyone turns to look at me with hell in their eyes. I silently apologise and scuttle off to find my book.
11.28 CANT FIND SODDING BOOK
11.30 book located. silently creep back through the angry silent students and go back to the second floor
11.40am realise book is about women in the nineteenth century being put in lunatic asylums if they exhibited sexual desire. ponder if I should be in a lunatic asylum. decide yes probably
11.45am sneezing japenese girl 2 desks down in tears.
11.50am I WANT TO FUCKING DIE
1pm decide history essay will just have to fucking do, I cant be arsed with it anymore. print off, submit, 2 down, 1 to go
1.10pm open English essay
1.11pm open email from English lecturer with some feedback on the draft I sent him. "this really gets into it's stride from page 3 onwards"... translation, pages 1 and 2 are shit. fume
1.20pm wonder how my life ever got to the point were I was comparing a story about how a german prisoner was anally raped to death by british soldiers I. world war one with Jekyll and hyde.
2.30pm ready to hunt down the person who invented MHRA referencing and anally rape him to death
2.40pm Fuck it, it's getting submitted
2.45pm almost fall down the stairs trying to carry 10 books back to the hand in bit
2.50pm offloaded all the books, off to the office to hand in the hard copies of my essays
2.55pm JOY! RAPTURE! I'M DONE!!! See mate from course in office. she is just beginning her essay today and still has a full other one to do. I wish her the best of british luck and thank god that's not me
3pm Feeling smug. upload smug facebook status
3.15pm arrive to pick son up from school having accidentally cut up a taxi on the drive up. could see drivier going mental in my mirror. I am too exhausted to give a shit so pretend I have not seen him
3.16pm son informs me an older kid has been picking on him today. son asked bigger kid "haven't you got a life or mates your own age?"... bigger kid then decked son. proud of son for being a gobby little bastard. puts "must speak to teacher" on next weeks list.
3.30pm arrive home, house looks like ive been burgled. it hasn't I just haven't been arsed to tidy up
3.35pm sit on couch to watch telly. son attacking me with a light sabre wanting to play. make half arsed swooshing sounds while watching the rest of Marcella
4pm son asks whats for tea. I tell him sweet and sour chicken. son fumes. I reiterate starving kids in Africa line. I fume
5pm make tea, chicken smells funny. its in date but it smells funny. cook it anyway. rice is done, debate risking salmonella but at the last minute decide against it and knock up a quick chilli instead to go with the rice. fume that I have wasted chicken and sweet and sour and think about the starving kids in Africa
5.30pm lengthy phonecall with uni mate. am informed of several bits of juicy gossip. get over exicited
7pm inform son we are going to have fun this weekend. offer to take him either to the pictures, bowling, or to that play factore in manc. he wants to do all 3. I tell him we can't do all 3 and he needs to pick one. he fumes. I, being shattered, kick right off and call him a right ungrateful little brat and send him to his room
7.30pm text from son.. "I'm so sorry mummy I love you"... feel guilty for fuming
8pm watch easties, think Stacey looks gorgeous...think bobby beales a right little cunt and I would love to smash him over the head with a hockey stick
8.30pm decide we are still hungry so go to maccies. they give me chicken nuggets instead of cheese bites and a medium drink instead of a large. fume inwardly to myself as haven't the energy to pick a battle with a maccies employee
9pm retire to bed, feeling stressed but accomplished
So that's it!! all my work is done and I am looking forward to a few months peace and quiet before the mayhem starts in September!
PS, I fully understand this blog is not grammatically correct, full of spelling mistakes and there is barely a capital letter in it. fucking sue me xxx
Having managed to complete the rest of my uni work today I am officially FREE to have a life once more! The last few months have been absolutely crazy and I decided last night I was going to get everything done today so I could enjoy my weekend without that "you should be doing work" guilty thought in the back of my mind. I put my 9 year old son to bed early last night with the intention of having an early night myself so I could be up fresh as a daisy and raring to go this morning. Unfortunately I got side tracked with a WhatsApp convo (as ya do) and so didn't end up going to sleep until past midnight....
TODAY
6.30am: Am rudely awoken by someone standing on my head. It's my son. His early night meant he was up at the crack of dawn and he had come into my room to get his ipad which was next to me charging. He apologised, I fumed.
7.30am: Still zombiefied I realise with horror I am going to have to get up. Order son to get washed and dressed. Son informs me his school shirt needs ironing. I fume
7.35am ironed shirt with one eye shut
7.40am throwing miscellaneous food items into sons lunch box. God knows what he ate
8am: half heartedly had a shower... basically got in, got wet, got out. Look like shit
8.15am son demands cocoa pops. I don't have any cocoa pops. give him toast. he fumes, I fume and tell him about the starving kids in Africa etc. realise I sound like my mother. I fume some more
8.30am I pack car up with 9 library books I needed to take back, folders, shepherd son into car
8.40am driving to drop son off at school. son has decided to wear a trilby hat. explain to son that he cant take it to school. he fumes. I fume. forcibly remove hat from son as he vacates the car. he informs me I have ruined his life.
8.45am Mother duties have ceased until 3.15pm and I am free to morph from parent to student
8.50am realise with horror its my half sisters birthday tomorrow. leg it to asda to purchase birthday card
9.00am realise have left phone at home which contains sisters postcode. fume. have to return home to get it.
9.10am retrieve phone from home. address birthday card. drive round the corner to the post box. it says "collection 9am" on it. fume
9.20am back at asda to post birthday card. collection is 3pm. sound. I can set off to be a student now
9.30am I am on the road to uni. drive is horrendous. traffic everywhere. soon as I park it starts to rain. fume.
9.50am arrive at Sydney jones library. place looks like a shelter for the homeless. students are sitting everywhere. at the desks, on the floor, some have spent the night there and slept on the floor. THERE ARE NO AVAILABLE DESKS. fume
10.15am after wandering around the library helplessly looking for a place to park I eventually find a free desk on the second floor. I collapse in a heap. I have still got my coat on from the rain and the library is boiling. fume
10.25am a whole HOUR behind schedule I begin to work. the dream of finishing everything today is slipping away and I quite frankly cant be arsed to do anything.
10.30am japenese girl sitting 2 desks away keeps sneezing and making a sound that is similar to a woodpigeon only louder. economics student sat opposite me gives me a knowing raised eyebrow.
11am decide I cant be arsed doing any more on my philosophy essay and turn it in as is. selects print, am informed I only have 18p printer credit left. have to purchase more. fume
11.10am first assignment is printed and completed. now onto history
11.15am thought my history was almost done but it turns out by almost done I meant I had to write an intro and conclusion. fume. have to read whole essay to remember what the fuck it was I was banging on about. read email from tutor suggesting I include a reference to some book that I can find in the library. glance sadly at my pile of 9 books I have already and go off in search of book number 10.
11.25 book number 10 is located in a "silent" study area. I walk in, my Pandora bracelet rattles, everyone turns to look at me with hell in their eyes. I silently apologise and scuttle off to find my book.
11.28 CANT FIND SODDING BOOK
11.30 book located. silently creep back through the angry silent students and go back to the second floor
11.40am realise book is about women in the nineteenth century being put in lunatic asylums if they exhibited sexual desire. ponder if I should be in a lunatic asylum. decide yes probably
11.45am sneezing japenese girl 2 desks down in tears.
11.50am I WANT TO FUCKING DIE
1pm decide history essay will just have to fucking do, I cant be arsed with it anymore. print off, submit, 2 down, 1 to go
1.10pm open English essay
1.11pm open email from English lecturer with some feedback on the draft I sent him. "this really gets into it's stride from page 3 onwards"... translation, pages 1 and 2 are shit. fume
1.20pm wonder how my life ever got to the point were I was comparing a story about how a german prisoner was anally raped to death by british soldiers I. world war one with Jekyll and hyde.
2.30pm ready to hunt down the person who invented MHRA referencing and anally rape him to death
2.40pm Fuck it, it's getting submitted
2.45pm almost fall down the stairs trying to carry 10 books back to the hand in bit
2.50pm offloaded all the books, off to the office to hand in the hard copies of my essays
2.55pm JOY! RAPTURE! I'M DONE!!! See mate from course in office. she is just beginning her essay today and still has a full other one to do. I wish her the best of british luck and thank god that's not me
3pm Feeling smug. upload smug facebook status
3.15pm arrive to pick son up from school having accidentally cut up a taxi on the drive up. could see drivier going mental in my mirror. I am too exhausted to give a shit so pretend I have not seen him
3.16pm son informs me an older kid has been picking on him today. son asked bigger kid "haven't you got a life or mates your own age?"... bigger kid then decked son. proud of son for being a gobby little bastard. puts "must speak to teacher" on next weeks list.
3.30pm arrive home, house looks like ive been burgled. it hasn't I just haven't been arsed to tidy up
3.35pm sit on couch to watch telly. son attacking me with a light sabre wanting to play. make half arsed swooshing sounds while watching the rest of Marcella
4pm son asks whats for tea. I tell him sweet and sour chicken. son fumes. I reiterate starving kids in Africa line. I fume
5pm make tea, chicken smells funny. its in date but it smells funny. cook it anyway. rice is done, debate risking salmonella but at the last minute decide against it and knock up a quick chilli instead to go with the rice. fume that I have wasted chicken and sweet and sour and think about the starving kids in Africa
5.30pm lengthy phonecall with uni mate. am informed of several bits of juicy gossip. get over exicited
7pm inform son we are going to have fun this weekend. offer to take him either to the pictures, bowling, or to that play factore in manc. he wants to do all 3. I tell him we can't do all 3 and he needs to pick one. he fumes. I, being shattered, kick right off and call him a right ungrateful little brat and send him to his room
7.30pm text from son.. "I'm so sorry mummy I love you"... feel guilty for fuming
8pm watch easties, think Stacey looks gorgeous...think bobby beales a right little cunt and I would love to smash him over the head with a hockey stick
8.30pm decide we are still hungry so go to maccies. they give me chicken nuggets instead of cheese bites and a medium drink instead of a large. fume inwardly to myself as haven't the energy to pick a battle with a maccies employee
9pm retire to bed, feeling stressed but accomplished
So that's it!! all my work is done and I am looking forward to a few months peace and quiet before the mayhem starts in September!
PS, I fully understand this blog is not grammatically correct, full of spelling mistakes and there is barely a capital letter in it. fucking sue me xxx
Wednesday 4 May 2016
Almost there!!!
It's been a little while since I last babbled on so I thought I would write a little blog this evening!
First of all....I'm just going to say it... I am fucking proud of myself.
This time last year I had a vague idea that I fancied going to uni. Today I have just completed one of my final assessments which was a debate and I have just 3 more assignments and an exam to do before I'm done. Not just done, SMASHED IT. I mean I could potentially still massively fuck up the situation but honestly I think I am home safe now. 14 assignments down, 3 to go.... Even if I write utter shit for these final assignments my work through the year SHOULD carry me through to a first. I AM OVER THE MOON. I know I shouldn't be counting my chickens just yet but on the whole I think I have this shit handled. It is a crazy feeling. I have completely changed my life from this time 12months ago and I am heading in a direction I actually want to go in. I am 90percent sure I will keep on my current job part time just for a bit of pocket money but the main focus of my life come September will be studying. I am so excited its unbelievable!!!
Shall we have a bit of boy talk? I have sort of stayed quiet about talking on the dude front because really there has been no one really worth mentioning recently but I just have to point out the weirdest thing happened today...
Round about November time I had a very short lived fling with a guy from uni. Only around a month or so, nothing serious at all so it was barely worth mentioning but basically what happened was this guy was originally half seeing a girl who ended up moving to Spain. In November I found myself suddenly available and i'm not sure if it was coincidence or if he was stalking me or what but within precisely 6 hours of my single status he had asked me out. I had liked him for a while, he is really clever, tall, fit, drives a bmw, ticked a lot of boxes really so anyway we had a bit of a fling for about a month or so but THEN Spain girl moved back to the uk!!! Now me being the totally sound girl that I am decided to take a step back at this point because I kind of thought really they should be together and she saw him first so I did the decent thing and backed away.....albeit onto my ex boyfriends cock but that's besides the point. ANYWAY uni boy and spain girl got together and are currently living happily ever after.
Now I still see uni boy obviously in uni but I have kind of kept my distance a bit because yano its a bit awkward isn't it when theres been a bit of activity. There was no bad feeling or anything I just said listen I think now spain girls back I am gonna just back off a bit and he was like oh ok sound and that was that. ANYWAY he is in one of my classes and today I shit you not he was staring at me for an hour and a half. Now I did have a bit of a cleavage situation on the go so that might have been it but honest to God he was STARING AT ME. I didn't make eye contact. We had to do this debate thing so he could have legitimately starred at me for like 20minutes while I was talking but this continued after I sat down and other people were talking. I put it down to the tits.
THEN after class I was standing outside having a ciggie and he walked right up to me, put his hands on my waist and tickled me and then asked me for a light. So I gave him my lighter and then when he was giving it back he did this weird hand holdy thing. What the hell is going on??!!! He is still with Spain girl. I know he is still with spain girl. He knows I know he is still with spain girl. What the fuck sort of outfit does he think i'm running here?!!!!!!!! I've been round the block enough times to know a come on when I see one. No. Just No.
Such a shame as well because he was a lovely lad with loads of potential but now I can't really be mates with him because he has automatically categorised himself as a cunt.
After the debacle with the ex I have managed to go a whole 3 weeks without speaking to him and I have managed to pull myself out of the fog now. After a plethora of perfectly nice but frightfully boring potential men I decided to implement a self imposed cock ban until September. I decided to focus on uni work, party my way through the summer and then in September I can aquaint myself with thousands of brand new, educated men. I am going to try and do my first full time uni year single because I don't want to waste the opportunity to be a slut. I haven't been a slut for ages and I think it's about time I rediscovered my calling.
So yes that's where i'm up to. Life is bloody fantastic right now and the future is looking epic
xxxx
First of all....I'm just going to say it... I am fucking proud of myself.
This time last year I had a vague idea that I fancied going to uni. Today I have just completed one of my final assessments which was a debate and I have just 3 more assignments and an exam to do before I'm done. Not just done, SMASHED IT. I mean I could potentially still massively fuck up the situation but honestly I think I am home safe now. 14 assignments down, 3 to go.... Even if I write utter shit for these final assignments my work through the year SHOULD carry me through to a first. I AM OVER THE MOON. I know I shouldn't be counting my chickens just yet but on the whole I think I have this shit handled. It is a crazy feeling. I have completely changed my life from this time 12months ago and I am heading in a direction I actually want to go in. I am 90percent sure I will keep on my current job part time just for a bit of pocket money but the main focus of my life come September will be studying. I am so excited its unbelievable!!!
Shall we have a bit of boy talk? I have sort of stayed quiet about talking on the dude front because really there has been no one really worth mentioning recently but I just have to point out the weirdest thing happened today...
Round about November time I had a very short lived fling with a guy from uni. Only around a month or so, nothing serious at all so it was barely worth mentioning but basically what happened was this guy was originally half seeing a girl who ended up moving to Spain. In November I found myself suddenly available and i'm not sure if it was coincidence or if he was stalking me or what but within precisely 6 hours of my single status he had asked me out. I had liked him for a while, he is really clever, tall, fit, drives a bmw, ticked a lot of boxes really so anyway we had a bit of a fling for about a month or so but THEN Spain girl moved back to the uk!!! Now me being the totally sound girl that I am decided to take a step back at this point because I kind of thought really they should be together and she saw him first so I did the decent thing and backed away.....albeit onto my ex boyfriends cock but that's besides the point. ANYWAY uni boy and spain girl got together and are currently living happily ever after.
Now I still see uni boy obviously in uni but I have kind of kept my distance a bit because yano its a bit awkward isn't it when theres been a bit of activity. There was no bad feeling or anything I just said listen I think now spain girls back I am gonna just back off a bit and he was like oh ok sound and that was that. ANYWAY he is in one of my classes and today I shit you not he was staring at me for an hour and a half. Now I did have a bit of a cleavage situation on the go so that might have been it but honest to God he was STARING AT ME. I didn't make eye contact. We had to do this debate thing so he could have legitimately starred at me for like 20minutes while I was talking but this continued after I sat down and other people were talking. I put it down to the tits.
THEN after class I was standing outside having a ciggie and he walked right up to me, put his hands on my waist and tickled me and then asked me for a light. So I gave him my lighter and then when he was giving it back he did this weird hand holdy thing. What the hell is going on??!!! He is still with Spain girl. I know he is still with spain girl. He knows I know he is still with spain girl. What the fuck sort of outfit does he think i'm running here?!!!!!!!! I've been round the block enough times to know a come on when I see one. No. Just No.
Such a shame as well because he was a lovely lad with loads of potential but now I can't really be mates with him because he has automatically categorised himself as a cunt.
After the debacle with the ex I have managed to go a whole 3 weeks without speaking to him and I have managed to pull myself out of the fog now. After a plethora of perfectly nice but frightfully boring potential men I decided to implement a self imposed cock ban until September. I decided to focus on uni work, party my way through the summer and then in September I can aquaint myself with thousands of brand new, educated men. I am going to try and do my first full time uni year single because I don't want to waste the opportunity to be a slut. I haven't been a slut for ages and I think it's about time I rediscovered my calling.
So yes that's where i'm up to. Life is bloody fantastic right now and the future is looking epic
xxxx
Saturday 12 March 2016
Feeling Meh
I am feeling needy and shitty tonight
I will try and cut a long story very short on this one because I don't really want to discuss it but in a nutshell my dad has 2 brothers and a sister. 1 of the brothers decided he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family any more at Christmas for reason's that aren't entirely clear to anyone but that's by the by, the point is, within a week of this kick off occurring something really really shitty happened to the other brother.
I spent this evening with him and my auntie and my dad and his family and I just feel so fucking shitty. Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope to god he recovers. I have faith that he will recover. But do you know what happened last time I had a family member have something shitty happen and I had faith that they would recover? She didn't fucking recover. She died. I had faith right up until we switched off the life support, I was utterly convinced there would be a miracle and she would magically wake up and everything would be alright. But I was wrong and she died, and it was shit.
And this is shit. It isn't anywhere near as shit as the last shitness, my uncle isn't on life support, but on a scale of 1 to shit, we are at the shitty end of the spectrum.
I feel.... ANGRY
Why the fuck do these things happen? Mad things that you don't even consider as a worry just randomly pop up to fuck everything up. I also feel angry at every bellend I have ever met in my life who has moaned about something trivial and claimed to be depressed over it. Like, are you fucking serious you narcissistic, self obsessed, victim playing little cunt, you don't know the meaning of the word. That rant isn't directed at any cunt in particular I have met a few of these morons over the years, it's directed at all of them in general. I was going out with some cunt in 2009 and he was like that. I'm that pissed off with the world I have actually forgotten the pricks name but I was with him for about a year and he was always playing the victim and saying he was depressed. CARL that was it. Fucking prick. He ended up taking loads of anti depressants and complained they didn't work. Yeah you know why that is don't you, because you aren't suffering from depression it's just your life is that boring it would send a glass eye to sleep. That other lad from last year was the same actually now I come to think of it. Terry 2002 he was another one. 2 years I put up with his whinging for. I was young and naïve then I think I was only about 18/19 so I persevered for 2 FUCKING YEARS listening to the whining and the moaning and thinking I could help him. It must be a new breed. I swear to god evolution has stopped working and these pricks are actually degenerating into vegetative organisms who's sole use in life is for a shag. Being older and wiser I have got a lot better at dropkicking the wankers at the very first red flag but I am still livid over all the time I wasted over the years consoling these dickheads. Because I can tell you in 100percent of cases these pathetic specimens are still exactly the fucking same today as they were back then. I saw Terry the other day walking down the road and thought....why have you wasted your life. He must only be about 34, he looks about 50. He had the tools available to build a decent life but instead he wasted it on being a martyr and now he looks suicidal. God I have fucked some losers in my time.
I have gone a little off topic here but I feel slightly better after that rant.
So anyway yes my uncle is in a bad way and I and the rest of the family feel helpless and frustrated as does he. I am PRAYING he recovers, I am not sure what will happen if not. In fact I don't think I have the brain space to deal with it.
Speaking of brain, I am quite proud of myself as although I am freaking the fuck out, it is handleable, I don't feel chaotic or unstable which is great because this is precisely the sort of shit that could potentially trigger an episode in me. Thank Christ for the medication, I think this is a good sign. I feel like I feel the "normal" amount of upset/depression as opposed to the bad place. And this suggests I have got the medication balance just right. Every cloud I suppose.
In other news the abstinence based recovery programme I have put myself on in an attempt to ween myself off my ex boyfriends penis has been, on the whole, successful...although I have had a minor wobble this week with the whole abstinence thing and as of right now I just wanna pick up the phone and call him but that is because I am having a little trauma and like I said at the start I am NEEDY right now. I need to be held. That's what I really miss about him, he would take me in his big strong arms and I would feel so small and safe...when he wasn't giving me black eyes and threatening to kill me of course. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP.
Here we have the problem. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. I haven't been interested since we split up. It has been over 18months on this single life and aside from the odd waifs and strays along the way there has been precisely no one that has really got that fire burning inside me. I get asked out about once a fortnight...mostly from the same guy who I shagged a few times while back and then he didn't stop calling for years ever since. I do sort of have my eye on someone. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to flirt with him a bit, massage his ego, let him feel like he is chasing me, bed him and then shag him for a few months while telling him what he wants to here and buying him a chippy now and again, but honestly, that shit gets complicated really quickly. There is nothing worse than complicated mediocre.
So not wanting a boyfriend, and can't be arsed with casual what do I do in a situation of neediness?
I think you know what I would normally do. But I am not going to do that this time I am going to resist that urge and keep my sobriety. Might message all my loser ex's with a full breakdown as to where their lives went wrong ha
I will try and cut a long story very short on this one because I don't really want to discuss it but in a nutshell my dad has 2 brothers and a sister. 1 of the brothers decided he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family any more at Christmas for reason's that aren't entirely clear to anyone but that's by the by, the point is, within a week of this kick off occurring something really really shitty happened to the other brother.
I spent this evening with him and my auntie and my dad and his family and I just feel so fucking shitty. Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope to god he recovers. I have faith that he will recover. But do you know what happened last time I had a family member have something shitty happen and I had faith that they would recover? She didn't fucking recover. She died. I had faith right up until we switched off the life support, I was utterly convinced there would be a miracle and she would magically wake up and everything would be alright. But I was wrong and she died, and it was shit.
And this is shit. It isn't anywhere near as shit as the last shitness, my uncle isn't on life support, but on a scale of 1 to shit, we are at the shitty end of the spectrum.
I feel.... ANGRY
Why the fuck do these things happen? Mad things that you don't even consider as a worry just randomly pop up to fuck everything up. I also feel angry at every bellend I have ever met in my life who has moaned about something trivial and claimed to be depressed over it. Like, are you fucking serious you narcissistic, self obsessed, victim playing little cunt, you don't know the meaning of the word. That rant isn't directed at any cunt in particular I have met a few of these morons over the years, it's directed at all of them in general. I was going out with some cunt in 2009 and he was like that. I'm that pissed off with the world I have actually forgotten the pricks name but I was with him for about a year and he was always playing the victim and saying he was depressed. CARL that was it. Fucking prick. He ended up taking loads of anti depressants and complained they didn't work. Yeah you know why that is don't you, because you aren't suffering from depression it's just your life is that boring it would send a glass eye to sleep. That other lad from last year was the same actually now I come to think of it. Terry 2002 he was another one. 2 years I put up with his whinging for. I was young and naïve then I think I was only about 18/19 so I persevered for 2 FUCKING YEARS listening to the whining and the moaning and thinking I could help him. It must be a new breed. I swear to god evolution has stopped working and these pricks are actually degenerating into vegetative organisms who's sole use in life is for a shag. Being older and wiser I have got a lot better at dropkicking the wankers at the very first red flag but I am still livid over all the time I wasted over the years consoling these dickheads. Because I can tell you in 100percent of cases these pathetic specimens are still exactly the fucking same today as they were back then. I saw Terry the other day walking down the road and thought....why have you wasted your life. He must only be about 34, he looks about 50. He had the tools available to build a decent life but instead he wasted it on being a martyr and now he looks suicidal. God I have fucked some losers in my time.
I have gone a little off topic here but I feel slightly better after that rant.
So anyway yes my uncle is in a bad way and I and the rest of the family feel helpless and frustrated as does he. I am PRAYING he recovers, I am not sure what will happen if not. In fact I don't think I have the brain space to deal with it.
Speaking of brain, I am quite proud of myself as although I am freaking the fuck out, it is handleable, I don't feel chaotic or unstable which is great because this is precisely the sort of shit that could potentially trigger an episode in me. Thank Christ for the medication, I think this is a good sign. I feel like I feel the "normal" amount of upset/depression as opposed to the bad place. And this suggests I have got the medication balance just right. Every cloud I suppose.
In other news the abstinence based recovery programme I have put myself on in an attempt to ween myself off my ex boyfriends penis has been, on the whole, successful...although I have had a minor wobble this week with the whole abstinence thing and as of right now I just wanna pick up the phone and call him but that is because I am having a little trauma and like I said at the start I am NEEDY right now. I need to be held. That's what I really miss about him, he would take me in his big strong arms and I would feel so small and safe...when he wasn't giving me black eyes and threatening to kill me of course. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP.
Here we have the problem. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. I haven't been interested since we split up. It has been over 18months on this single life and aside from the odd waifs and strays along the way there has been precisely no one that has really got that fire burning inside me. I get asked out about once a fortnight...mostly from the same guy who I shagged a few times while back and then he didn't stop calling for years ever since. I do sort of have my eye on someone. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to flirt with him a bit, massage his ego, let him feel like he is chasing me, bed him and then shag him for a few months while telling him what he wants to here and buying him a chippy now and again, but honestly, that shit gets complicated really quickly. There is nothing worse than complicated mediocre.
So not wanting a boyfriend, and can't be arsed with casual what do I do in a situation of neediness?
I think you know what I would normally do. But I am not going to do that this time I am going to resist that urge and keep my sobriety. Might message all my loser ex's with a full breakdown as to where their lives went wrong ha
Friday 4 March 2016
Crisis of confidence
Ok... I'm freaking out.
When I first decided to embark on this whole uni shin dig I had just split up with ash and I desperately needed something to focus on. The course I got on was perfect. One day a week, interesting, and I got to meet some fabulous people. There have been a few moments along the way where I have though "what the hell are you doing? You can't do this!" But on the whole I have been really successful.
So successful in fact, that it is now pretty much certain that not only will I be starting a full on law degree at the university of Liverpool in September, I will also be getting an excellence bursary for achievement on my current course. This is massively a big deal. Provided there are no massive fuck ups on my part of course
Ok. So here I am sitting here with my invite to my discovery day at uni in a couple of weeks. The law building is actually the same place I currently attend so there will be no surprises. This is all starting to feel very real. When I first started this I didn't really have a plan as to what I was going to go on to do and really just wanted to do it for fun more than anything however I quickly decided law was the way forward which was always my plan as a kid "what do you want to be when you grow up" sort of thing.
Well I'm all grown up now. And I am starting to look ahead as to what comes after uni. The options are as follows.
1. Stay in my current job and have the whole few years of study be just for a piece of paper and a warm glow inside.
2. Get on the graduate programme with my current employer which is no more money than I currently earn.
3. Get a training contract with a solicitors firm, do the legal practice qualification and become a solicitor earning a mid range salary.
4. Get on a graduate scheme with another business (prob same salary as I earn now)
5. Go into the police force and do their 3year fast track to inspector course (unsure of salary, probably the same as I'm on now but sounds fun)
6. Have a stab at the bar... Become a shit hot barrister complete with white wig and black robes, arguing the toss in court for a living and earning squillions.
Option 6 is enticing me I'm not gonna lie.
Ok so here's where the freak out is happening. Every time I think about it and get excited there's that "what are you thinking? You can't fucking do that! Mentalist" minion going on at me. It's so competitive. Is that world a place for a scouser? What if I'm shit at it and end up back where I started? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF????
I'm literally shitting myself right now. And it's not even for another few years until I make that decision but I feel as if I'm going to seriously attempt to make it in this profession I need to start thinking about it now.
It's so competitive so I figure there are 2 realistic routes in. One being exceptional academic achievement and the other being doing some serious networking and making friends with the right people.
It feels so big and scary right now I feel like hiding away and not bothering.
I won't of course. I don't back down for any fucker. But I'm scared shitless and I don't know how I will ever get there.
Having said that, I had the exact same feeling this time last year about starting at UoL in the first place and look at me now. SMASHING IT is the only way to describe it.
So yes that's what is going on at the minute and what is occupying my every waking thought. I am hoping it will all come together and the road I take will be beautifully lit up for me.... I guess we will have to wait and see
Xxxxx
Saturday 20 February 2016
Putting the hot in Psychotic
Greetings from lunaticsville!!
What a rollercoaster of a week this has been!
Last weekend my friends and I gathered for a small soiree which resulted in us all getting absolutely twatted and sent me as far west as can possibly be until around Wednesday. Such is the problem of having a good time. The length of the recovery period is in direct correlation with the size of the ball that was had. I am reliably informed I left the party at 7am. I WALKED home having left my car at my mates house and deciding I needed to be alone.... what the fuck. Got home, got into bed and then spent the next 3 days questioning every life choice I had ever made and crying a lot. You know how it is.
This, coupled with the fact my Achilles heel as he will here after be known decided to call me on Sunday and it sounded like he was in a similar state. We cried. And told each other we still loved each other. What a fucking disaster. I blame the drink.....etc. He also did an Adele on me and wanted to go over everything that went wrong with us while I chipped in occasionally with I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT but to no avail. Speaking to him, it is abundantly clear he has no clear recollection whatsoever about what happened the night we broke up. And frankly I don't want to enlighten him as it is far too painful to talk about. I can't possibly meet up with him though as he still seems to believe will be happening. If I see him again, I'll shag him again. I know this, you know this, a fucking deaf, blind and mute kid in outer Mongolia knows this. And it is a recipe for carnage. It is NOT HAPPENING NO NO NO. After spending half the week in a state of melancholy and following some ill advised shenanigans I have made an executive decision to stop doing stupid stuff. The only problem we have is I am currently flying through a hypermanic episode, during which doing stupid stuff is simply unavoidable. The best thing I can do is remain indoors and channel this energy into productive actions. My uni work has been smashed today. I am about 6 WEEKS ahead of where I need to be (which is massively impressive thank you very much) and this is due to the fact I spent the day in the library churning out assignment after assignment. I have sent it off to my tutors to get some feedback on it before I submit it (just to make sure I haven't produced thousands of words of shit) and as I type this blog I am literally checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I have had a response. It is Saturday night. I KNOW I am not going to get a response over the weekend. Yet I still check. It is honestly like when you have text a boy you are keen on and are constantly checking your phone for a reply except its not a boy its world renowned doctors and professors etc.
I put the hot in psychotic
I feel like going out for a run.... THAT is how mad I am right now.
Instead, I shall have a bath, get in my pyjama's and resist the urge to bounce into town and go and party with strangers (yes, I have done that before. A lot. Mainly in Garlands. Had a ball as well to be fair) and I will also resist the urge I have to get in my car and go and drive to London which I have also done before several times....Ohhhhh me and my chaotic brain. It is like there is a little devil on my shoulder saying go on, get into mischief....think of the stories you will be able to tell. Stop it, stop it right now!!!!!
In fact, you know what, balls to it. You only live once and all that. I'm off out on an adventure, if i'm not back by Thursday call the police xxx
What a rollercoaster of a week this has been!
Last weekend my friends and I gathered for a small soiree which resulted in us all getting absolutely twatted and sent me as far west as can possibly be until around Wednesday. Such is the problem of having a good time. The length of the recovery period is in direct correlation with the size of the ball that was had. I am reliably informed I left the party at 7am. I WALKED home having left my car at my mates house and deciding I needed to be alone.... what the fuck. Got home, got into bed and then spent the next 3 days questioning every life choice I had ever made and crying a lot. You know how it is.
This, coupled with the fact my Achilles heel as he will here after be known decided to call me on Sunday and it sounded like he was in a similar state. We cried. And told each other we still loved each other. What a fucking disaster. I blame the drink.....etc. He also did an Adele on me and wanted to go over everything that went wrong with us while I chipped in occasionally with I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT but to no avail. Speaking to him, it is abundantly clear he has no clear recollection whatsoever about what happened the night we broke up. And frankly I don't want to enlighten him as it is far too painful to talk about. I can't possibly meet up with him though as he still seems to believe will be happening. If I see him again, I'll shag him again. I know this, you know this, a fucking deaf, blind and mute kid in outer Mongolia knows this. And it is a recipe for carnage. It is NOT HAPPENING NO NO NO. After spending half the week in a state of melancholy and following some ill advised shenanigans I have made an executive decision to stop doing stupid stuff. The only problem we have is I am currently flying through a hypermanic episode, during which doing stupid stuff is simply unavoidable. The best thing I can do is remain indoors and channel this energy into productive actions. My uni work has been smashed today. I am about 6 WEEKS ahead of where I need to be (which is massively impressive thank you very much) and this is due to the fact I spent the day in the library churning out assignment after assignment. I have sent it off to my tutors to get some feedback on it before I submit it (just to make sure I haven't produced thousands of words of shit) and as I type this blog I am literally checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I have had a response. It is Saturday night. I KNOW I am not going to get a response over the weekend. Yet I still check. It is honestly like when you have text a boy you are keen on and are constantly checking your phone for a reply except its not a boy its world renowned doctors and professors etc.
I put the hot in psychotic
I feel like going out for a run.... THAT is how mad I am right now.
Instead, I shall have a bath, get in my pyjama's and resist the urge to bounce into town and go and party with strangers (yes, I have done that before. A lot. Mainly in Garlands. Had a ball as well to be fair) and I will also resist the urge I have to get in my car and go and drive to London which I have also done before several times....Ohhhhh me and my chaotic brain. It is like there is a little devil on my shoulder saying go on, get into mischief....think of the stories you will be able to tell. Stop it, stop it right now!!!!!
In fact, you know what, balls to it. You only live once and all that. I'm off out on an adventure, if i'm not back by Thursday call the police xxx
Wednesday 10 February 2016
February Feeling Fine
S'appenin there my lovelies I thought I would write a little blog this evening about nothing in particular.
First things first I have decided to give up cock for lent. While I would like to say this is in the interests of being righteous and holy, if I am being completely honest it is solely to give myself a fighting chance of not fucking my ex boyfriend again. I'm going to just hold my hands up it was firmly on the cards set in stone arranged meet up.
ARGH!!
I had not been having as much contact with him of late, then a couple of weeks ago he phoned me one Thursday evening just for a hi how are you chat sort of thing. None descript. Mediocre. Boring. Then at 4am I get a phonecall.... I ignored it as I was sleepy however me being completely addicted to him as we all know lasted approx 30seconds before returning the call. He was drunk, he was missing me. He was apologetic for all previous twatness. And then he began talking about our sex life and said he knew that I, like he, had never been able to have sex to match the sex we had.
And though it truly pains me to admit it, he's absolutely right.
What a conundrum.
I'm not saying the sex I have had since him has been bad at all.... more just....yano....vanilla. And although everyone quite likes vanilla, it really is no comparison to a double chocolate fudge sunday with wafers, sprinkles and a sparkler in it. The struggle is real.
Do you have to fuck a psycho to get laid properly? I have to believe that is not the case or I am going to be going backwards for the rest of my life. It's not just the sex though. I think the amazing sex we created had a lot to do with the fact we shared a deep deep intimacy that led to a connection that is near impossible to replicate. I was in love. That's what is is, I was in love...still am...and the love allowed us to be completely uninhibited with each other. That and the fact we were both complete and utter nymphomaniacs and were also a bit on the depraved side.
So anyway he was meant to be coming to see me at the end of the month and while I initially agreed, I later backtracked because I can't deal with another period of emotional turmoil after the fact. We all know what is going to happen. I will have a crazy night of wild passion and then be cast back down the rabbit hole of despair. I have a lot of uni deadlines coming up in March and April and I honestly can't face doing another assignment through fits of sobs. No, back the fucking truck up and don't do it.
I have extended this cock back to include all penises and to this end I will not be sleeping with ANYONE. It is quite simple to do when your main source of love length is London based and you aren't the slightest bit interested in anything else.
I was discussing with a friend the fact I hadn't shagged a scouser since 2011 and was feeling quite worldly until she informed me she hadn't shagged a BRITISH PERSON since 2007 and a scouser since 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All at once my world seemed so.....small.
My worst ever fear is just living a life were you don't move out of a square mile radius so I am always making sure I can travel as often as I can and experience new things as much as possible but the sad fact is that while I do my studies I am financially restricted to what I can do. In my second year I have the option to study in America so I am trying to convince my son that this would be a cool thing to do to move there for a few months but I think I am flogging a dead kid because he doesn't seem keen. It is a while away yet though so you never know. I may threaten him with boarding school if he continues to be so boring. It is basically kennelling for the middle classes so it is clearly an option. I am dreaming big. 5 years from now I want to be in a new job earning at least double what I am on now in a house twice the size having had a continued stay abroad somewhere. And I will achieve it, just need to stay focussed on the end game.
I'm loving my yoga detox thing I am doing although getting to town for 7am for the classes is almost finishing me off. But a girls got to realign her chakras somehow and it is all in the name of inner peace.
That's all for now motherfuckers until next time xxx
First things first I have decided to give up cock for lent. While I would like to say this is in the interests of being righteous and holy, if I am being completely honest it is solely to give myself a fighting chance of not fucking my ex boyfriend again. I'm going to just hold my hands up it was firmly on the cards set in stone arranged meet up.
ARGH!!
I had not been having as much contact with him of late, then a couple of weeks ago he phoned me one Thursday evening just for a hi how are you chat sort of thing. None descript. Mediocre. Boring. Then at 4am I get a phonecall.... I ignored it as I was sleepy however me being completely addicted to him as we all know lasted approx 30seconds before returning the call. He was drunk, he was missing me. He was apologetic for all previous twatness. And then he began talking about our sex life and said he knew that I, like he, had never been able to have sex to match the sex we had.
And though it truly pains me to admit it, he's absolutely right.
What a conundrum.
I'm not saying the sex I have had since him has been bad at all.... more just....yano....vanilla. And although everyone quite likes vanilla, it really is no comparison to a double chocolate fudge sunday with wafers, sprinkles and a sparkler in it. The struggle is real.
Do you have to fuck a psycho to get laid properly? I have to believe that is not the case or I am going to be going backwards for the rest of my life. It's not just the sex though. I think the amazing sex we created had a lot to do with the fact we shared a deep deep intimacy that led to a connection that is near impossible to replicate. I was in love. That's what is is, I was in love...still am...and the love allowed us to be completely uninhibited with each other. That and the fact we were both complete and utter nymphomaniacs and were also a bit on the depraved side.
So anyway he was meant to be coming to see me at the end of the month and while I initially agreed, I later backtracked because I can't deal with another period of emotional turmoil after the fact. We all know what is going to happen. I will have a crazy night of wild passion and then be cast back down the rabbit hole of despair. I have a lot of uni deadlines coming up in March and April and I honestly can't face doing another assignment through fits of sobs. No, back the fucking truck up and don't do it.
I have extended this cock back to include all penises and to this end I will not be sleeping with ANYONE. It is quite simple to do when your main source of love length is London based and you aren't the slightest bit interested in anything else.
I was discussing with a friend the fact I hadn't shagged a scouser since 2011 and was feeling quite worldly until she informed me she hadn't shagged a BRITISH PERSON since 2007 and a scouser since 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All at once my world seemed so.....small.
My worst ever fear is just living a life were you don't move out of a square mile radius so I am always making sure I can travel as often as I can and experience new things as much as possible but the sad fact is that while I do my studies I am financially restricted to what I can do. In my second year I have the option to study in America so I am trying to convince my son that this would be a cool thing to do to move there for a few months but I think I am flogging a dead kid because he doesn't seem keen. It is a while away yet though so you never know. I may threaten him with boarding school if he continues to be so boring. It is basically kennelling for the middle classes so it is clearly an option. I am dreaming big. 5 years from now I want to be in a new job earning at least double what I am on now in a house twice the size having had a continued stay abroad somewhere. And I will achieve it, just need to stay focussed on the end game.
I'm loving my yoga detox thing I am doing although getting to town for 7am for the classes is almost finishing me off. But a girls got to realign her chakras somehow and it is all in the name of inner peace.
That's all for now motherfuckers until next time xxx
Wednesday 27 January 2016
Bipolar and Me
For those who have followed my blog for the past few years you may have noticed that I can, on occasion, display behaviour which may be considered insane. I thought I would write a little blog to discuss my mental health and perhaps offer some insights into what it is like living with bipolar and who knows, I may even help some people.
So Bipolar.....EEEEEEEEK!!!!!
It's really not that big of a deal.
In my opinion every single person in the world has some elements of crazy about them. There is no "normal" per se. Everyone has ups and downs in life and at one point or another everyone has probably questioned their sanity when they have been really angry or hurt or whatever.
With bipolar, its the same. Except the highs are infinitely higher and the lows are catastrophically lower.
There are a couple of different types of bipolar and I am no psychiatrist so I'm only going to talk about me. I can't even actually remember what my one is but its the one where when you are on a high you aren't like seeing visions or thinking you can talk to God or anything but you are still a bit 3 sheets to the wind.
OK
So how does this affect me.
Well to be honest 95% of the time everything is sound. In fact, the episodes of hyperness (by far my favourite pole out of the two) are not only fucking brilliant fun, but can also lead to really high productivity. Your house is spotless, you can handle anything, you have great idea's and are focussed and driven. The problems arise when you start to make reckless decisions and have little awareness of actions having consequences. This manifests itself for me in I can't stop spending all of my money. Now I am able to manage this now by basically giving my money to my mum to keep hold of for me. She has an account that I can't get at without asking her first. Now I actually asked my mum to do this so I could save up. Because if I can see money in my account and I am on a manic, you can guarantee it will be gone within about 10minutes and I will be sat surrounded by designer handbags and sunglasses with no food to eat in the house. When I was younger I used to also take ridiculous risks and yes well lets be honest I was a bit of slag. I have got this under control now, partly because I have been there and done that (and I have to be honest I would say I had a really fucking good time) and partly I think because I had such a volatile long term relationship I think in a sick sort of way that relationship satisfied a lot of the recklessness. That makes no sense, I know that, but it makes sense in my head and it's my blog so I don't care.
Other mad things that happen.
Sometimes when I am at the top of either pole, I lose my ability to see properly. Or rather, make sense of what I am looking at. A newspaper for example would just look like all mixed up words or sometimes even blank. I could sit and watch TV and not be able to tell you what happened because it just didn't make sense in my head.
The funniest symptom of my disorder was when I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my memories. I would dream I had been food shopping, and then couldn't work out why the cupboards were empty because the dream felt like a memory. I would also dream I had had conversations with people and then when I would talk to them about it they would be like what the fucking hell are you on about you mad person. Most unpleasant! It was at this point I decided I needed medical assistance and thankfully this has stopped now because of my magic pills!
Ahhh the pills!! Now we don't get anti depressants because we can get a little TOO happy on those bad boys so instead we get mood stabilisers which bring our moods back down within "normal" crazy levels rather than the postal ones which I am prone to.
Rather excitingly I also have ADHD which I got diagnosed with at the age of 29 and usually don't own up to but in the interests of being candid I shall share this with you also. This does not mean I run around toy stores being naughty, but what it can mean is... for example I was driving out of work once and it was dark, someone switched their engine on and their headlights came on. I was so distracted by the twinkly lights I turned to stare at them and nearly crashed into an oncoming car. I pretty much have a handle on this as I have been aware of this condition all my life even before being diagnosed but what it means is I am basically extra impulsive, and pretty much can't help myself if I have an overwhelming urge to do something! I am over the top, I am dramatic and I am a loose cannon. Would I change it? No. It's me, and I don't fucking care. Because at the same time I am also good hearted and kind and I think that on the whole I'm a good egg!
Now to the lows
Shittiest pole out of the 2. Anyone who suffers with depression will relate to this, you can't possibly see how to get through the next hour let alone a way forward in life. And you are surrounded by well meaning people telling you how fabulous you are and you just want them all to fuck off and leave you alone so you can sob under your duvet and not really understand what it is you are sobbing about. I also experience racing thoughts where my mind being the sick bastard that it is will replay horrendous thoughts quickly through my head so fast you can barely make sense of them, but you know they are bad.
My last depressive episode was December and I can view it now with a clear head. During that time and I did blog about it at the time, I had a uni assignment due in and an exam. I am not joking you when I say I sobbed with every word I typed for that assignment and I am not talking about little dramatic forlorn tears I am talking about full on hysterical howling sobs with snot and everything. I was close to hanging myself with my dressing gown cord, I even chose the place and HOOVERED ALL AROUND THE AREA because in my catastrophic doom I reasoned I couldn't have someone come in and find my body if I had not cleaned because the first thing they would think was scruffy bitch hasn't even hoovered the stairs.
I can see now, this is INSANE
And I thank the lord for every single person that came and dragged me through that terrible time.
TOP TIP if you are mental you need to let everyone know so they can help you because dear God you need at least one person to support you. I have a crisis list with 9 close friends numbers on who I can call.
I got my marks back for the assignments and the exam in uni today. I got firsts across the board.
Now this is important and the reason I have decided to write this blog today. As real and intense as my depressive episode was, I was still able to achieve astounding results. Somewhere in the chaos my brain must have gone into autopilot and pulled it right out of the bag. I know its easy for me to say this now it's over but if EVER I get in that state again which I probably will at some point being a bipolar bunny, I need to remember that...well....it's not real, it's all in my head. Shit happens, Shitty people exist and there is not a lot you can do about that, and sadly it's those events and people that trigger off the depressive episodes for me usually. The big ones I mean. So I need to remember that in spite of that, I need to try and ignore the craziness in my head and crack on. Because now I know it is possible.
I watched Judge Judy and she was saying to some degenerate "Even on my worst day, I am better than you on your best day". And THAT is exactly how I feel right now. That was my worst worst day, and I still produced first class uni work. Fucking fist pump!!!!!
So yes, in a nutshell, bipolar is part of who I am. Some of my most ingenious ideas have stemmed from my darkest days. Some of my happiest memories have come from my manic behaviour. So while it may not be ideal....actually....if i'm honest.... I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!
Love ya crazy cats xxx
So Bipolar.....EEEEEEEEK!!!!!
It's really not that big of a deal.
In my opinion every single person in the world has some elements of crazy about them. There is no "normal" per se. Everyone has ups and downs in life and at one point or another everyone has probably questioned their sanity when they have been really angry or hurt or whatever.
With bipolar, its the same. Except the highs are infinitely higher and the lows are catastrophically lower.
There are a couple of different types of bipolar and I am no psychiatrist so I'm only going to talk about me. I can't even actually remember what my one is but its the one where when you are on a high you aren't like seeing visions or thinking you can talk to God or anything but you are still a bit 3 sheets to the wind.
OK
So how does this affect me.
Well to be honest 95% of the time everything is sound. In fact, the episodes of hyperness (by far my favourite pole out of the two) are not only fucking brilliant fun, but can also lead to really high productivity. Your house is spotless, you can handle anything, you have great idea's and are focussed and driven. The problems arise when you start to make reckless decisions and have little awareness of actions having consequences. This manifests itself for me in I can't stop spending all of my money. Now I am able to manage this now by basically giving my money to my mum to keep hold of for me. She has an account that I can't get at without asking her first. Now I actually asked my mum to do this so I could save up. Because if I can see money in my account and I am on a manic, you can guarantee it will be gone within about 10minutes and I will be sat surrounded by designer handbags and sunglasses with no food to eat in the house. When I was younger I used to also take ridiculous risks and yes well lets be honest I was a bit of slag. I have got this under control now, partly because I have been there and done that (and I have to be honest I would say I had a really fucking good time) and partly I think because I had such a volatile long term relationship I think in a sick sort of way that relationship satisfied a lot of the recklessness. That makes no sense, I know that, but it makes sense in my head and it's my blog so I don't care.
Other mad things that happen.
Sometimes when I am at the top of either pole, I lose my ability to see properly. Or rather, make sense of what I am looking at. A newspaper for example would just look like all mixed up words or sometimes even blank. I could sit and watch TV and not be able to tell you what happened because it just didn't make sense in my head.
The funniest symptom of my disorder was when I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my memories. I would dream I had been food shopping, and then couldn't work out why the cupboards were empty because the dream felt like a memory. I would also dream I had had conversations with people and then when I would talk to them about it they would be like what the fucking hell are you on about you mad person. Most unpleasant! It was at this point I decided I needed medical assistance and thankfully this has stopped now because of my magic pills!
Ahhh the pills!! Now we don't get anti depressants because we can get a little TOO happy on those bad boys so instead we get mood stabilisers which bring our moods back down within "normal" crazy levels rather than the postal ones which I am prone to.
Rather excitingly I also have ADHD which I got diagnosed with at the age of 29 and usually don't own up to but in the interests of being candid I shall share this with you also. This does not mean I run around toy stores being naughty, but what it can mean is... for example I was driving out of work once and it was dark, someone switched their engine on and their headlights came on. I was so distracted by the twinkly lights I turned to stare at them and nearly crashed into an oncoming car. I pretty much have a handle on this as I have been aware of this condition all my life even before being diagnosed but what it means is I am basically extra impulsive, and pretty much can't help myself if I have an overwhelming urge to do something! I am over the top, I am dramatic and I am a loose cannon. Would I change it? No. It's me, and I don't fucking care. Because at the same time I am also good hearted and kind and I think that on the whole I'm a good egg!
Now to the lows
Shittiest pole out of the 2. Anyone who suffers with depression will relate to this, you can't possibly see how to get through the next hour let alone a way forward in life. And you are surrounded by well meaning people telling you how fabulous you are and you just want them all to fuck off and leave you alone so you can sob under your duvet and not really understand what it is you are sobbing about. I also experience racing thoughts where my mind being the sick bastard that it is will replay horrendous thoughts quickly through my head so fast you can barely make sense of them, but you know they are bad.
My last depressive episode was December and I can view it now with a clear head. During that time and I did blog about it at the time, I had a uni assignment due in and an exam. I am not joking you when I say I sobbed with every word I typed for that assignment and I am not talking about little dramatic forlorn tears I am talking about full on hysterical howling sobs with snot and everything. I was close to hanging myself with my dressing gown cord, I even chose the place and HOOVERED ALL AROUND THE AREA because in my catastrophic doom I reasoned I couldn't have someone come in and find my body if I had not cleaned because the first thing they would think was scruffy bitch hasn't even hoovered the stairs.
I can see now, this is INSANE
And I thank the lord for every single person that came and dragged me through that terrible time.
TOP TIP if you are mental you need to let everyone know so they can help you because dear God you need at least one person to support you. I have a crisis list with 9 close friends numbers on who I can call.
I got my marks back for the assignments and the exam in uni today. I got firsts across the board.
Now this is important and the reason I have decided to write this blog today. As real and intense as my depressive episode was, I was still able to achieve astounding results. Somewhere in the chaos my brain must have gone into autopilot and pulled it right out of the bag. I know its easy for me to say this now it's over but if EVER I get in that state again which I probably will at some point being a bipolar bunny, I need to remember that...well....it's not real, it's all in my head. Shit happens, Shitty people exist and there is not a lot you can do about that, and sadly it's those events and people that trigger off the depressive episodes for me usually. The big ones I mean. So I need to remember that in spite of that, I need to try and ignore the craziness in my head and crack on. Because now I know it is possible.
I watched Judge Judy and she was saying to some degenerate "Even on my worst day, I am better than you on your best day". And THAT is exactly how I feel right now. That was my worst worst day, and I still produced first class uni work. Fucking fist pump!!!!!
So yes, in a nutshell, bipolar is part of who I am. Some of my most ingenious ideas have stemmed from my darkest days. Some of my happiest memories have come from my manic behaviour. So while it may not be ideal....actually....if i'm honest.... I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!
Love ya crazy cats xxx
Thursday 14 January 2016
out from the darkness...
Well dearest readers, 2016 has taken a rather unexpected turn. With the events of the past couple of months almost driving me to suicide, coupled with the fact that Mercury is currently in retrograde until 25th Jan (astrology shit, means life normally goes tits up), it would have been the obvious conclusion that life may have continued on a downward spiral for me for the foreseeable. Instead, and I have no idea why, but life has got fucking boss!!!!!
My mojo returned a few days after new year. I woke up one morning feeling like I could take on the world. My first victory was with that god damn emergency plumbing service. I called them, I fumed, and was given £150quid compensation for my inconvenience. I'm not sure that fully compensates for my having to stay at my mothers to get warm but nonetheless I was happy to accept.
Daddy dearest also stumped up the cash for a brand new boiler and 6 new radiators ensuring toasty warmth forever more.
My second victory was breaking the back of my uni prep for next semester. I was overjoyed to discover I got my choices and have been dutifully swotting up on all my reading. The absolute best part is in September when I start my law degree, I have got my student finance all worked out, and it turns out with the student loan plus the 3, yes count them 3 bursary's I am eligible for.... I... WON'T.... HAVE..... TO..... WORK..... lets take a moment to let that sink in....oh god it's just bloody marvellous. In fact, I have some shares maturing in June.... I could actually probably afford to sack it off TODAY and be alright. I'm not getting too crazy though. I have decided that if I continue to work (which I will be able to as the law department tell me the degree is only 8-12hours a week in uni time) I will be able to save up and graduate with a decent amount of dollar behind me. I'll be cutting down to 16hours though. Decided to see which way the wind blows. I'll carry on working, see how it goes. But the idea of not HAVING to work is pretty bloody liberating. I am aware there will be lots of UNI work involved but I am a single working parent. Juggling comes second nature to me.
Even work has got fucking boss! I went back last week after having some time off over the Christmas period....and my birthday...a month, I had a month off but it was for recuperation purposes alright. Anyway.... it was grand! I work with some of the funniest, kindest people I've ever met and I am so grateful to them all for being absolute belters. Endless laughter and wind ups. Just what you need in the workplace!
I got a photo in the post off Prince Harry today. The best thing I have ever received through the post. I wrote to him for a laugh a week ago and told him I thought his hair was awesome and I got this note back today thanking me for my kind words and wishing me the best for 2016 with a photo of him looking all rugged. He clearly wants my arse and who can blame him.
Oh and I got laid. Not by my ex boyfriend either (WHO by the way I have hardly thought about the last few days. And when I tell you he has not been off my mind in 4 years I can assure you this is a major fucking turning point). I won't go too much into it but cut a long story short I got taken for dinner to the Vincent, wined and dined, had a few old fashioned's in Berry and Rye and then back to A Hard Day's Night hotel for what can only be described as porn star sex. I experienced my very first ever multiple orgasm through actual sex which has never ever happened to me before in my whole life and I actually had assumed was mythical until now. This dude has some magical fucking skills. I don't know what's happened recently. When I split with Ash it took me ages to build myself up to sleeping with someone else again. I was suffering from a severe case of penis fear. Now however, it appears I am totally cured and this slag is back on form and back on the cock. Epic. Not that I am going to go around bouncing on every shlong on offer you understand. While it is true when one is blessed with a 32FF chest and a thigh gap there is no shortage of shaggage on offer, I have decided to pace myself. Quite happy with the current one for the moment, but I am not getting birded up again. Uni comes first, then my son (sorry lad but mama's got to get the degree to get us the good life, you can tie your own shoes, mwah), then my health/fitness/yoga - which I have signed up to do a 30 day yoga detox thing which I am most looking forward to as I think I could really do with toning down the crazy - and then any spare time after that will be filled wall to wall with cock.
Absolutely bloody marvellous plan.
So that's all from me. Stay tuned as no doubt everything will go tits up again, but for now I am one happy camper. Everything is going great and not a bellend in sight. Excellent.
Life Hack: Do no wrong, but take no shit. And everything will be wonderful xx
My mojo returned a few days after new year. I woke up one morning feeling like I could take on the world. My first victory was with that god damn emergency plumbing service. I called them, I fumed, and was given £150quid compensation for my inconvenience. I'm not sure that fully compensates for my having to stay at my mothers to get warm but nonetheless I was happy to accept.
Daddy dearest also stumped up the cash for a brand new boiler and 6 new radiators ensuring toasty warmth forever more.
My second victory was breaking the back of my uni prep for next semester. I was overjoyed to discover I got my choices and have been dutifully swotting up on all my reading. The absolute best part is in September when I start my law degree, I have got my student finance all worked out, and it turns out with the student loan plus the 3, yes count them 3 bursary's I am eligible for.... I... WON'T.... HAVE..... TO..... WORK..... lets take a moment to let that sink in....oh god it's just bloody marvellous. In fact, I have some shares maturing in June.... I could actually probably afford to sack it off TODAY and be alright. I'm not getting too crazy though. I have decided that if I continue to work (which I will be able to as the law department tell me the degree is only 8-12hours a week in uni time) I will be able to save up and graduate with a decent amount of dollar behind me. I'll be cutting down to 16hours though. Decided to see which way the wind blows. I'll carry on working, see how it goes. But the idea of not HAVING to work is pretty bloody liberating. I am aware there will be lots of UNI work involved but I am a single working parent. Juggling comes second nature to me.
Even work has got fucking boss! I went back last week after having some time off over the Christmas period....and my birthday...a month, I had a month off but it was for recuperation purposes alright. Anyway.... it was grand! I work with some of the funniest, kindest people I've ever met and I am so grateful to them all for being absolute belters. Endless laughter and wind ups. Just what you need in the workplace!
I got a photo in the post off Prince Harry today. The best thing I have ever received through the post. I wrote to him for a laugh a week ago and told him I thought his hair was awesome and I got this note back today thanking me for my kind words and wishing me the best for 2016 with a photo of him looking all rugged. He clearly wants my arse and who can blame him.
Oh and I got laid. Not by my ex boyfriend either (WHO by the way I have hardly thought about the last few days. And when I tell you he has not been off my mind in 4 years I can assure you this is a major fucking turning point). I won't go too much into it but cut a long story short I got taken for dinner to the Vincent, wined and dined, had a few old fashioned's in Berry and Rye and then back to A Hard Day's Night hotel for what can only be described as porn star sex. I experienced my very first ever multiple orgasm through actual sex which has never ever happened to me before in my whole life and I actually had assumed was mythical until now. This dude has some magical fucking skills. I don't know what's happened recently. When I split with Ash it took me ages to build myself up to sleeping with someone else again. I was suffering from a severe case of penis fear. Now however, it appears I am totally cured and this slag is back on form and back on the cock. Epic. Not that I am going to go around bouncing on every shlong on offer you understand. While it is true when one is blessed with a 32FF chest and a thigh gap there is no shortage of shaggage on offer, I have decided to pace myself. Quite happy with the current one for the moment, but I am not getting birded up again. Uni comes first, then my son (sorry lad but mama's got to get the degree to get us the good life, you can tie your own shoes, mwah), then my health/fitness/yoga - which I have signed up to do a 30 day yoga detox thing which I am most looking forward to as I think I could really do with toning down the crazy - and then any spare time after that will be filled wall to wall with cock.
Absolutely bloody marvellous plan.
So that's all from me. Stay tuned as no doubt everything will go tits up again, but for now I am one happy camper. Everything is going great and not a bellend in sight. Excellent.
Life Hack: Do no wrong, but take no shit. And everything will be wonderful xx
Sunday 3 January 2016
New Years blog!
First blog of the new year!
My New Years resolutions are as follows:
1. No more comparing yourself to other people. You are running your own race.
2. Exercise. Soley for the mental health benefits. At least 3 times a week. Preferably SOMETHING every day
3. Yoga. It's relaxing and it will help with the mind
4. Drink more water
5. Speak more French
6. Do a good deed every day
7. Take more care of skin Inc moisturising after every shower
8. Read more books
9. Be thankful and positive every single morning
10. Put 110percent into uni
Naturally Iv done fuck all of any of them so far but if I WAS to stick to them they would be fucking good resolutions.
Iv been having a very stressful time recently. Obviously the ex boyfriend is still weighing heavily on my mind.... Still in love.... Still know we can never be together again... General emo angst. We wished each other happy New Years. He seems to be doing well and I'm happy about that... Erm... Yeah...
In other mundane news my boiler has now broken leaving me freezing and hot waterless for days. 3 blokes tried to fix it so far. Yesterday I had murder with the plumbing company on the phone over what was going on, apparently they are calling me again tomorrow, anyway I was fuming when I got off the phone to them and so there could not have been a worse moment for me to receive this screenshot:
Right now backstory to this remember I said I was seeing a lad from who then cheated on me with another girl i know that people call the yeti? Then he begged me back and I told him to get to fuck and then he basically shacked up with her? Right well during his begging trying to get me back phase he told me and his mates this bird he shagged was fat and ugly and he'd made a terrible mistake and he wanted to die and bla bla bla.
Well one of his mates decided to ask the question seeing as now he's all shacked up with the bird and must be making a song and dance all over the Internet about how happy they are (clear sign of bullshit as we all know but anyway) and he replies that.
Now me, furious at the plumbing company and in turmoil over the
Love of my life see's this and just the very idea that this irrelevant skinny balding little prick thinks he's anywhere on my fucking radar and would be trying to get to him... Well I thought I'm just In the mood for you ya fucking peasant so I decided to unblock him on facebook and send him this:
Er excuse me bellend! If I wanted to try and get to you id do it my fucking self! If you think I'm sitting here still trying to get at you you are sorely mistaken! I grant you I was fucking pissed off for a good week and a half but now I and indeed every other fucker thinks you are a total joke shop! I have to say I applaud your efforts to change the narrative of this into a love story! But everyone knows that you think she's fat and ugly and she knows you're a liar and a cheat who's head is evidentially turned VERY fucking easily 😂 so with that in mind a love story seems a bit FUCKING UNLIKELY DOESNT IT YOU ABSOLUTE WEAPON! Of course everyone could all be wrong, this could be a beautiful relationship..... Haaaaaaa!!!!
The very fact you answered with anything other than " no I didn't, I'm totally into this plus size" confirms it! I'd hazard a guess you are all shacked up in her place rent free so you don't have to go home and would rather stick with the shitness than be on your own. If she gets pregnant I will never stop laughing!! If I wanted to get to you I would, but when it came down to it I simply didn't give enough of a shit to be arsed with the hassle! So yes just wanted to clear that up! No one is trying to get to you, no one needs to! You have fucked yourself up all on your little own! PS sometimes people send me pornographic sketches of you and her shagging that they have drawn when they are bored...... it's grim 😘
Obviously he blocked me immediately and probably didn't even read it but just knowing id pissed him off was enough to make me laugh!
I really couldn't give a fuck what the bellend does but I know and his mates know that he did in fact tell everyone he thinks that bird is fat and ugly so he can try and back track all he wants but he will always be the lad that fucked up and got stuck with the munter and the more he tries to make out otherwise the funnier it is. Tit.
New dude is currently skiing. I love that. Skiing is totally fucking civilised. I haven't been skiing since I was a kid but I definitely feel like I should be a person that skis.
What else oh yes There's been a big family kick off which has come to a
head today which is so ridiculous I can't even begin to go into it but it's just another thing clawing for attention in my headspace which I really don't need right now.
On a positive note I've just received all my modules for the next semester at uni and I cannot wait to get stuck in. I feel completely focused on what I have to achieve and I swear to god I am going to smash the shit out of this and then I'm going to become a shit hot lawyer. All these trivial little fucktards will be a distant memory. Bow down bitches, you are in the presence of greatness 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻
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