Bipolar and Me

For those who have followed my blog for the past few years you may have noticed that I can, on occasion, display behaviour which may be considered insane. I thought I would write a little blog to discuss my mental health and perhaps offer some insights into what it is like living with bipolar and who knows, I may even help some people.

So Bipolar.....EEEEEEEEK!!!!!

It's really not that big of a deal.

In my opinion every single person in the world has some elements of crazy about them. There is no "normal" per se. Everyone has ups and downs in life and at one point or another everyone has probably questioned their sanity when they have been really angry or hurt or whatever.

With bipolar, its the same. Except the highs are infinitely higher and the lows are catastrophically lower.

There are a couple of different types of bipolar and I am no psychiatrist so I'm only going to talk about me. I can't even actually remember what my one is but its the one where when you are on a high you aren't like seeing visions or thinking you can talk to God or anything but you are still a bit 3 sheets to the wind.

OK

So how does this affect me.

Well to be honest 95% of the time everything is sound. In fact, the episodes of hyperness (by far my favourite pole out of the two) are not only fucking brilliant fun, but can also lead to really high productivity. Your house is spotless, you can handle anything, you have great idea's and are focussed and driven. The problems arise when you start to make reckless decisions and have little awareness of actions having consequences. This manifests itself for me in I can't stop spending all of my money. Now I am able to manage this now by basically giving my money to my mum to keep hold of for me. She has an account that I can't get at without asking her first. Now I actually asked my mum to do this so I could save up. Because if I can see money in my account and I am on a manic, you can guarantee it will be gone within about 10minutes and I will be sat surrounded by designer handbags and sunglasses with no food to eat in the house. When I was younger I used to also take ridiculous risks and yes well lets be honest I was a bit of slag. I have got this under control now, partly because I have been there and done that (and I have to be honest I would say I had a really fucking good time) and partly I think because I had such a volatile long term relationship I think in a sick sort of way that relationship satisfied a lot of the recklessness. That makes no sense, I know that, but it makes sense in my head and it's my blog so I don't care.

Other mad things that happen.

Sometimes when I am at the top of either pole, I lose my ability to see properly. Or rather, make sense of what I am looking at. A newspaper for example would just look like all mixed up words or sometimes even blank. I could sit and watch TV and not be able to tell you what happened because it just didn't make sense in my head.

The funniest symptom of my disorder was when I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my memories. I would dream I had been food shopping, and then couldn't work out why the cupboards were empty because the dream felt like a memory. I would also dream I had had conversations with people and then when I would talk to them about it they would be like what the fucking hell are you on about you mad person. Most unpleasant! It was at this point I decided I needed medical assistance and thankfully this has stopped now because of my magic pills!

Ahhh the pills!! Now we don't get anti depressants because we can get a little TOO happy on those bad boys so instead we get mood stabilisers which bring our moods back down within "normal" crazy levels rather than the postal ones which I am prone to.

Rather excitingly I also have ADHD which I got diagnosed with at the age of 29 and usually don't own up to but in the interests of being candid I shall share this with you also. This does not mean I run around toy stores being naughty, but what it can mean is... for example I was driving out of work once and it was dark, someone switched their engine on and their headlights came on. I was so distracted by the twinkly lights I turned to stare at them and nearly crashed into an oncoming car. I pretty much have a handle on this as I have been aware of this condition all my life even before being diagnosed but what it means is I am basically extra impulsive, and pretty much can't help myself if I have an overwhelming urge to do something! I am over the top, I am dramatic and I am a loose cannon. Would I change it? No. It's me, and I don't fucking care. Because at the same time I am also good hearted and kind and I think that on the whole I'm a good egg!

Now to the lows

Shittiest pole out of the 2. Anyone who suffers with depression will relate to this, you can't possibly see how to get through the next hour let alone a way forward in life. And you are surrounded by well meaning people telling you how fabulous you are and you just want them all to fuck off and leave you alone so you can sob under your duvet and not really understand what it is you are sobbing about. I also experience racing thoughts where my mind being the sick bastard that it is will replay horrendous thoughts quickly through my head so fast you can barely make sense of them, but you know they are bad.

My last depressive episode was December and I can view it now with a clear head. During that time and I did blog about it at the time, I had a uni assignment due in and an exam. I am not joking you when I say I sobbed with every word I typed for that assignment and I am not talking about little dramatic forlorn tears I am talking about full on hysterical howling sobs with snot and everything. I was close to hanging myself with my dressing gown cord, I even chose the place and HOOVERED ALL AROUND THE AREA because in my catastrophic doom I reasoned I couldn't have someone come in and find my body if I had not cleaned because the first thing they would think was scruffy bitch hasn't even hoovered the stairs.

I can see now, this is INSANE

And I thank the lord for every single person that came and dragged me through that terrible time.

TOP TIP if you are mental you need to let everyone know so they can help you because dear God you need at least one person to support you. I have a crisis list with 9 close friends numbers on who I can call.

I got my marks back for the assignments and the exam in uni today. I got firsts across the board.

Now this is important and the reason I have decided to write this blog today. As real and intense as my depressive episode was, I was still able to achieve astounding results. Somewhere in the chaos my brain must have gone into autopilot and pulled it right out of the bag. I know its easy for me to say this now it's over but if EVER I get in that state again which I probably will at some point being a bipolar bunny, I need to remember that...well....it's not real, it's all in my head. Shit happens, Shitty people exist and there is not a lot you can do about that, and sadly it's those events and people that trigger off the depressive episodes for me usually. The big ones I mean. So I need to remember that in spite of that, I need to try and ignore the craziness in my head and crack on. Because now I know it is possible.

I watched Judge Judy and she was saying to some degenerate "Even on my worst day, I am better than you on your best day". And THAT is exactly how I feel right now. That was my worst worst day, and I still produced first class uni work. Fucking fist pump!!!!!

So yes, in a nutshell, bipolar is part of who I am. Some of my most ingenious ideas have stemmed from my darkest days. Some of my happiest memories have come from my manic behaviour. So while it may not be ideal....actually....if i'm honest.... I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!


Love ya crazy cats xxx