Rant!

If in doubt, blog!

This is my blog and it's mainly here for me to vent my frustrations and iv got 2 main ones this evening!

Firstly remember I said I'd emailed soft shite about collecting his stuff and threatening to lash it if he didn't come soon. Well he must have had his nose pushed right out of joint because this afternoon I got a phone call from the police to arrange another date!

I was all in a fluster because id just been to alder hey to have my sons plaster cast cut off and I was in the middle of crossing the road when she called me. So I answered the phone and she was saying about arranging a date and quite frankly I felt her approach was a bit out of order.

I mentioned that I had already given 2 dates which had been ignored and he had also had the whole of the previous 2 months to sort this out and I was feeling like it was stopping me from forgetting all about it still having this crap in my house! So she started saying to me I would get into trouble if I got rid of it and he could take me to small claims court. At which point I said well I'd be happy with that to be honest then I could just write him a cheque and also claim for the phone contract he left me with and then that would be that no need for the trauma of having him in my house but this seemed to displease the lady!

Then she said well he's coming up to Liverpool for the court date on the 13th and wants to collect his stuff then. Now I am out of the country from the 11th to the 15th and when I told her this she was like well won't you have to go to court? So I said no he's already guilty it's just the sentencing and what would I want to go to that for?! So she seemed annoyed that I was going on holiday and as I didn't have my diary with me I wasn't able to confirm any other dates. She said, you are aware he's no longer in the city. So I said yes but that's not my problem what sort or moron leaves the city without collecting his stuff?! So she said well he hasn't been able to because of bail so I said yes he has this has been a condition of bail since day 1 and iv been chasing this up for ages! We left it at that and I later rang back with 5 dates between now and December. 

What the fucking fuck!!! This is over for me now, it's in my past. It's irritating me that it's dragging on and half of me thinks he's doing it coz he knows it still means I have a tie to him. As if he thought he was just going to come up, go to court and then pop in on the way home!! And as for its my responsibility to keep it safe what the fuck am I, storage solutions?!!!! It's not even like its anything good what am I gonna have his light sabre stripped and sold for parts?  I don't think she was familiar with the case and didn't realise he is already GUILTY. Fuck the fuck

 off!

The. His little sister who is only a young girl and therefore I can't really knock commented first on a pic of the 3 of us together with a sad face and then of one of my black eye saying I was out of order for putting it on Instagram. Out of order how exactly? Advertising the fact I had a black eye? It was emblazoned on my fucking face for 3 weeks. Out of order against him? It was out of order to do that to me in the first place. Domestic violence is a complex issue and I can tell you first hand the instinct is to hide away, cover up the bruises, deny the abuse, blame walking into a door. It's embarrassing and scary and uncomfortable and no one really wants to acknowledge it is happening least of all the victim. You don't want people to feel badly against the perpetrator. You make excuses. You are convinced it is your fault. You minimise the abuse saying it was only a shove etc. you are torn between knowing what's wrong and still being in love and hoping for the abuse to pass and the good times to come back. 

I walked into Illamasqua the day after and spent 115 pounds on coverage make up and concealers. It took 4 different products and an hour to fully cover the bruise and took an hour to apply. After about 3 days of doing this just to be able to leave the house I thought dya know what FUCK THIS. This is my face. It is not my fault it looks the way it does and why should I sit and hide away when I have done nothing wrong. I began to face the embarrassment head on. People would ask me what I had done and I would say in a voice which I will fully admit was shaking that I had been kneed in the face by my ex boyfriend while he was in the process of pinning me down to spit in my face. I waited for the pity and the shock. And it came. But more than that came the "good for you's" and the "well done for getting out" and the "you are so brave".

I didn't feel brave. I felt the weakest I had ever felt in my life. Powerless, defenceless and ashamed. Telling people what happened made it impossible for me to ever go back and that was a scary thought as my confidence was so low. But hat was half the reason I did it. If as many people as possible know, even when I'm weak, I still can't go back.

Eventually as time went by I got stronger

Especially through the hypnotherapy sessions I had and eventually I began to post my pics on facebook and Instagram. Think christy mack and rhianna. It got to this weak and I felt unstoppable. The comment from his little sister unsettled me and for a moment the feelings of shame and fear came back. But

Only for a moment

I have done nothing wrong. I am no longer afraid. Domestic Violence needs to be talked about and even if I have inspired just 1 person to find the strength to escape their abusive relationship then that is totally worth it to me.

Never back down xxx

Feeling fiiiiine!!!

Ohhhhh life is good! Life is more than good, life is absolutely frigging wonderful!

Today was meant to be the great trial of the century however due to my exs remarkable change of heart they have adjourned his sentencing until the 13th October while they do a pre-sentencing report. I would imagine he will get sent for life lessons on how to be a normal fucking human being however I know they are looking at his previous assaults on me that he admitted to and also the fact he did this one in front of my son as aggravating factors so who knows and more to the point who fucking gives a shit!

I couldn't give a fuck what he gets to be honest. I got the conviction and the restraining order and he's gone! he's the poor people of londons problem now! Fucking crazy, woman beating, minimum wage earning, fucked up in the head, wouldn't even have teeth if it weren't for me, pedestrian, sweaty bellend! #notar #offyoufuck

Remember I told you the police had rung me saying he wanted his stuff back? Well I suggested 2 dates and needless to say iv heard nothing so iv made the executive decision that this ends here right now today so last night I sent him the following e-mail directly. He's not allowed to reply coz of the bail conditions!!

Now then chris brown,

Police rang me to say you wanted your stuff and asked me for availability. I told them this Sunday just passed or this Wednesday coming. After this Wednesday I will be unavailable until the end of recorded time so you either come for it Wednesday or it is getting disposed of. You have had 2 months to sort this out, I am not a storage facility and one way or another this stuff will be out of my house on Wednesday. I appreciate you have moved to London and would therefore have to travel to collect it, however that is your problem. You should have collected it before you left. So I suggest you either book a train, or learn to live without it.

Tra

Sent from my iPhone

Fucking be arsed with that melt spanning this out another 3 weeks! If he thinks I'm keeping hold of it till the 13th he can fucking think again! Iv towed the line for long enough, he's had plenty of opportunity to come and collect it so he can go and chain himself to the fucking liver buildings for all I care this shit is exiting my house and life tomorrow and that is game over!!

In other news I am proper fucking fit these days, had a cheeky 8st 11 going on on the scales this morning and I'm 5ft 5 so I'm made up with that. Still got some belly fat but I'm going to hammer it next few weeks! Going to Dublin with my mates next month for 48 hours of drunken debauchee you with hot Irish men and stag party's and then my mummy is taking me to Paris in December for my 30th birthday!

To summarise, ding dong the psychos gone, iv awesomed all over the place, I'm jetting off twice before the end of the year and I'm fit as fuck. Just goes to show when your going through hell you just gotta keep going because as soon as your through it, you realise why you did it. Life is gooooood xxx

Back to normality!

This blog is probably going to be boring to you but for me I'm really enjoying the normality of my life now!

I think this shows how much my outlook on life has changed. I get messages off people telling me I'm an inspiration and I'm brave etc. I couldn't have felt more the opposite. It was not too long ago I was cowering under my sons Spider-Man blanket having agrophobia about having to go to asda to get food. I very nearly had my bag packed to go and bang on the door of broadoak and say "can you show me where the wicker baskets are kept, I need to weave a few". Sat in the corner on soroxat, rocking etc etc.

BUT the grim fog has lifted and I am beginning to laugh and smile again!

I'm even enjoying work! Well I wouldn't go that far, more I'm enjoying the banter of my mates there.

There's these 2 lads on my team and just listening to their conversation cracks me up. Charlie said "dya know what he drew yesterday? A picture of him, ejaculating over my kids" so I said eeeeeeeeee!!! And he said "yeah, it was a stick man, with a penis, and a broken dotted wavy line representing jizzum, and then 2 stick kids labeled with my kids names".

So then nick piped up "yeah, only coz Charlie drew an ISIS terrorist holding the severed head of my fiancé". So then Kevin goes "yeah well u are a terrorist", an then he said to me "he was in the ira you know" (nicks Irish).

Totally politically incorrect banter which made me fucking howl!!! Then one of the girls was saying it's her birthday next week and she was fuming coz her family had forgotten and then she said "yeah and if my brothers bird gets me another bottle of fucking ck one she's getting doused in it and set on fire"!

That's the thing about working in an office, you do have a fucking laugh! It feels good to see the funny side of stuff again!!

Went to a law of attraction class last night which encourages people to live positively and use positive thought to attract positive things into your life! I have used this in the past successfully and I have decided this is the way I am going to live my life from now on. I'm sick of being a miserable cunt and so I'm going to actively use the LOA purposefully! Waking up every morning thinking of all I have to be grateful for, visualising what I want every single day and believing that it will happen!!

Iv also drew a little vision board with what I want on it and stuck it by my bed! On the list is a flat stomach, abundance of money, meet someone and have mutual love and respect, passion and commitment, and HAPPINESS!! Il keep you posted on how I get on! Xx

Vic Vic Vic victorious!!

After slowing rebuilding my self esteem and confidence over the last month or so and constantly worrying about the impending trial, I finally got the phone call I had been waiting for on Friday night.

It was ying, my personal witness officer. I thought she was calling to confirm my court visit which was booked in for Tuesday but she literally started the convo with " iv got some great news! He's changed his mind! He's pleading guilty!!"

I nearly screamed down the phone. In fact I think I actually did scream.

"Don't shit me here ying", I said. "Double check and read it again!" So she absolutely assured me it was true. He will still have to go to court on the 23rd to be sentenced but I won't have to be a witness and give evidence. It was like the whole world had just lifted and I was finally free.

And just when I thought I couldn't get any higher, I discovered he's moved back down to London!!! He's working in a bar down there that his mate owns which is fucking hilarious because he hates that mate because he used to send me messages wanting to meet up for a drink! I'm so happy he's gone. Il never bump into him, il never fall into the trap of going back. This is it. It's all over!!

But then in amongst the joy it hit me. This is it. It's over. He's gone. And I felt sad.

I dont know why. I guess I expected him to fight for me. I feel as though he's fucked me over, and literally never spoken another word to be again.

But then I remembered all the shit he's put me through. Cheating on me and telling me it was because I was fat. Strangling me, pulling me down the stairs by my hair, threatening to kill me, forcing me to have an abortion, smashing shit up. The list goes on. And then I thought about him lugging all his worldly possessions through lime street. Pushing his telly on his roller blades. And the hole he must be staying in down there. And it made me smile.

There was a time I thought I wasn't going to make it through this. My confidence and self esteem were shattered. I believed I was fat and mental and no one would ever want me. I blamed myself. But iv beaten this. Not only physically did I get away, but mentally I got away too. I don't love him any more. And I can't tell you how good it feels to say that. Iv done it. Iv beaten this. Iv stood up for myself and not tolerated being abused, iv set an example for my wonderful son and I have fought for justice.

I'd be lying if I said id done this all by myself. I massively cheated and had hypnotherapy which if anyone needs similar assistance was provided by Kathleen Pythian who is at 88 Rodney Street in town. It's expensive but worth every fucking penny for the difference it made to my life. 

Also I'm glad in a way he's left now before the sentencing. His leaving was always going to be a difficult moment even in spite of everything it's still a finality if you get me. And iv already come to terms with that. So the only thing that's left is to see him get sentenced which I believe will be a massively satisfying moment.

I'm a bit concerned he's not going to turn up for the sentencing to be honest. I really hope he's not that stupid but I guess wel find out on the 23rd.

He battered his ex girlfriend when she was 6 months pregnant with his child. He battered his sister. And he battered me. There is no question in my mind he will go on to do it again. It sounds strange but in relieved it won't be a Scouse girl next. I would feel guilty for inflicting this monster on the Scouse republic. And of course now I can 100percent say with certainty that the next time he strangles someone, spits in their face, gives them a black eye. IT WONT BE ME. Stay strong and never back down. Single gal 1, gobshite nil xxx

It's a miracle!!!

Something very fucking strange has happened here boys and girls. It would appear, after 5 weeks of hell and from being at the brink of being ready to section myself.....I am through the tunnel....

I would describe this breakup as being the most horrific of rollercoasters. The sort of rollercoaster designed by saddam Hussein with the sole purpose of crushing a persons fucking soul. It's been grim.

But then something happened. Since Thursday I have been I explicably been smiling, happy and noticing fit dudes again. The punched in the stomach feeling has gone and even if I concentrate on thinking about twat features Chris Brown wannabe, I don't seem to give a shit any more.

Last night I had a random dream that my mate Natalie came in the gym and got me and took me put drinking with Danielle Lloyd (my current idol, kind of like a fellow fucked over hot bird. Except she's doing it with dignity whereas iv had several fairly serious mental breakdowns). And also Nancy off hollyoaks (been watching a lot of it, just roll with me here).

So anyway yeah the 4 of us in his dream went out drinking and then "the mistake" as he is hereafter known popped up and we ended up getting back together.....I swear to god I woke up in a cold sweat because I was terrified it was true and was absolutely relieved to find it was only a dream and I was flying solo in the kingsize.

Do you hear that motherfuckers? I was RELIEVED it wasn't true!

Maybe it's because I have refrained from getting off my tits since bank holiday and perhaps my doom was all party related but I don't think it's that.

Actually. I have a confession to make. I have massively cheated in my recovery process. Wait for it....I went to see a hypnotherapist.

Now before you all start taking the piss might I point out i have had 2 sessions and I am a completely different fucking person. And I mean COMPLETELY different. It's to the point where I am almost forgetting that I was ever heartbroken. And when I try and think about sad things like he cheated on my, he battered me, he criminally damaged my stuff and was In general a fucking arsehole.....it doesn't seem to bother me. I keep waiting for the punched in the stomach feeling to come or the fast heart rate and the breathlessness.....nada. It's like it just fell out of my head.

I fucking hope that is the case because let me tell you the 2 and a half years of emotional and psychological abuse that tit subjected me to is a million times harder to shake off than any of the physical stuff. Bruises fade, compressed (I can't spell the proper word right so I'm gonna go with...) food pipey thing in ya throats heal (even if it did take 4 months and it felt like I was swallowing a piece of Lego during that time) but the damage done to my mind where horrific and i was worried perhaps may be permanent.

But nope I feel fucking great. And now all that's left is to strut my stuff in court 3 weeks tomorrow and then that tit will be a nothing but a vague memory.

What a fucking winner x

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