Bipolar and Me

For those who have followed my blog for the past few years you may have noticed that I can, on occasion, display behaviour which may be considered insane. I thought I would write a little blog to discuss my mental health and perhaps offer some insights into what it is like living with bipolar and who knows, I may even help some people.

So Bipolar.....EEEEEEEEK!!!!!

It's really not that big of a deal.

In my opinion every single person in the world has some elements of crazy about them. There is no "normal" per se. Everyone has ups and downs in life and at one point or another everyone has probably questioned their sanity when they have been really angry or hurt or whatever.

With bipolar, its the same. Except the highs are infinitely higher and the lows are catastrophically lower.

There are a couple of different types of bipolar and I am no psychiatrist so I'm only going to talk about me. I can't even actually remember what my one is but its the one where when you are on a high you aren't like seeing visions or thinking you can talk to God or anything but you are still a bit 3 sheets to the wind.

OK

So how does this affect me.

Well to be honest 95% of the time everything is sound. In fact, the episodes of hyperness (by far my favourite pole out of the two) are not only fucking brilliant fun, but can also lead to really high productivity. Your house is spotless, you can handle anything, you have great idea's and are focussed and driven. The problems arise when you start to make reckless decisions and have little awareness of actions having consequences. This manifests itself for me in I can't stop spending all of my money. Now I am able to manage this now by basically giving my money to my mum to keep hold of for me. She has an account that I can't get at without asking her first. Now I actually asked my mum to do this so I could save up. Because if I can see money in my account and I am on a manic, you can guarantee it will be gone within about 10minutes and I will be sat surrounded by designer handbags and sunglasses with no food to eat in the house. When I was younger I used to also take ridiculous risks and yes well lets be honest I was a bit of slag. I have got this under control now, partly because I have been there and done that (and I have to be honest I would say I had a really fucking good time) and partly I think because I had such a volatile long term relationship I think in a sick sort of way that relationship satisfied a lot of the recklessness. That makes no sense, I know that, but it makes sense in my head and it's my blog so I don't care.

Other mad things that happen.

Sometimes when I am at the top of either pole, I lose my ability to see properly. Or rather, make sense of what I am looking at. A newspaper for example would just look like all mixed up words or sometimes even blank. I could sit and watch TV and not be able to tell you what happened because it just didn't make sense in my head.

The funniest symptom of my disorder was when I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my memories. I would dream I had been food shopping, and then couldn't work out why the cupboards were empty because the dream felt like a memory. I would also dream I had had conversations with people and then when I would talk to them about it they would be like what the fucking hell are you on about you mad person. Most unpleasant! It was at this point I decided I needed medical assistance and thankfully this has stopped now because of my magic pills!

Ahhh the pills!! Now we don't get anti depressants because we can get a little TOO happy on those bad boys so instead we get mood stabilisers which bring our moods back down within "normal" crazy levels rather than the postal ones which I am prone to.

Rather excitingly I also have ADHD which I got diagnosed with at the age of 29 and usually don't own up to but in the interests of being candid I shall share this with you also. This does not mean I run around toy stores being naughty, but what it can mean is... for example I was driving out of work once and it was dark, someone switched their engine on and their headlights came on. I was so distracted by the twinkly lights I turned to stare at them and nearly crashed into an oncoming car. I pretty much have a handle on this as I have been aware of this condition all my life even before being diagnosed but what it means is I am basically extra impulsive, and pretty much can't help myself if I have an overwhelming urge to do something! I am over the top, I am dramatic and I am a loose cannon. Would I change it? No. It's me, and I don't fucking care. Because at the same time I am also good hearted and kind and I think that on the whole I'm a good egg!

Now to the lows

Shittiest pole out of the 2. Anyone who suffers with depression will relate to this, you can't possibly see how to get through the next hour let alone a way forward in life. And you are surrounded by well meaning people telling you how fabulous you are and you just want them all to fuck off and leave you alone so you can sob under your duvet and not really understand what it is you are sobbing about. I also experience racing thoughts where my mind being the sick bastard that it is will replay horrendous thoughts quickly through my head so fast you can barely make sense of them, but you know they are bad.

My last depressive episode was December and I can view it now with a clear head. During that time and I did blog about it at the time, I had a uni assignment due in and an exam. I am not joking you when I say I sobbed with every word I typed for that assignment and I am not talking about little dramatic forlorn tears I am talking about full on hysterical howling sobs with snot and everything. I was close to hanging myself with my dressing gown cord, I even chose the place and HOOVERED ALL AROUND THE AREA because in my catastrophic doom I reasoned I couldn't have someone come in and find my body if I had not cleaned because the first thing they would think was scruffy bitch hasn't even hoovered the stairs.

I can see now, this is INSANE

And I thank the lord for every single person that came and dragged me through that terrible time.

TOP TIP if you are mental you need to let everyone know so they can help you because dear God you need at least one person to support you. I have a crisis list with 9 close friends numbers on who I can call.

I got my marks back for the assignments and the exam in uni today. I got firsts across the board.

Now this is important and the reason I have decided to write this blog today. As real and intense as my depressive episode was, I was still able to achieve astounding results. Somewhere in the chaos my brain must have gone into autopilot and pulled it right out of the bag. I know its easy for me to say this now it's over but if EVER I get in that state again which I probably will at some point being a bipolar bunny, I need to remember that...well....it's not real, it's all in my head. Shit happens, Shitty people exist and there is not a lot you can do about that, and sadly it's those events and people that trigger off the depressive episodes for me usually. The big ones I mean. So I need to remember that in spite of that, I need to try and ignore the craziness in my head and crack on. Because now I know it is possible.

I watched Judge Judy and she was saying to some degenerate "Even on my worst day, I am better than you on your best day". And THAT is exactly how I feel right now. That was my worst worst day, and I still produced first class uni work. Fucking fist pump!!!!!

So yes, in a nutshell, bipolar is part of who I am. Some of my most ingenious ideas have stemmed from my darkest days. Some of my happiest memories have come from my manic behaviour. So while it may not be ideal....actually....if i'm honest.... I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!


Love ya crazy cats xxx

out from the darkness...

Well dearest readers, 2016 has taken a rather unexpected turn. With the events of the past couple of months almost driving me to suicide, coupled with the fact that Mercury is currently in retrograde until 25th Jan (astrology shit, means life normally goes tits up), it would have been the obvious conclusion that life may have continued on a downward spiral for me for the foreseeable. Instead, and I have no idea why, but life has got fucking boss!!!!!

My mojo returned a few days after new year. I woke up one morning feeling like I could take on the world. My first victory was with that god damn emergency plumbing service. I called them, I fumed, and was given £150quid compensation for my inconvenience. I'm not sure that fully compensates for my having to stay at my mothers to get warm but nonetheless I was happy to accept.

Daddy dearest also stumped up the cash for a brand new boiler and 6 new radiators ensuring toasty warmth forever more.

My second victory was breaking the back of my uni prep for next semester. I was overjoyed to discover I got my choices and have been dutifully swotting up on all my reading. The absolute best part is in September when I start my law degree, I have got my student finance all worked out, and it turns out with the student loan plus the 3, yes count them 3 bursary's I am eligible for.... I... WON'T.... HAVE..... TO..... WORK..... lets take a moment to let that sink in....oh god it's just bloody marvellous. In fact, I have some shares maturing in June....  I could actually probably afford to sack it off TODAY and be alright. I'm not getting too crazy though. I have decided that if I continue to work (which I will be able to as the law department tell me the degree is only 8-12hours a week in uni time) I will be able to save up and graduate with a decent amount of dollar behind me. I'll be cutting down to 16hours though. Decided to see which way the wind blows. I'll carry on working, see how it goes. But the idea of not HAVING to work is pretty bloody liberating. I am aware there will be lots of UNI work involved but I am a single working parent. Juggling comes second nature to me.

Even work has got fucking boss! I went back last week after having some time off over the Christmas period....and my birthday...a month, I had a month off but it was for recuperation purposes alright. Anyway.... it was grand! I work with some of the funniest, kindest people I've ever met and I am so grateful to them all for being absolute belters. Endless laughter and wind ups. Just what you need in the workplace!

I got a photo in the post off Prince Harry today. The best thing I have ever received through the post. I wrote to him for a laugh a week ago and told him I thought his hair was awesome and I got this note back today thanking me for my kind words and wishing me the best for 2016 with a photo of him looking all rugged. He clearly wants my arse and who can blame him.

Oh and I got laid. Not by my ex boyfriend either (WHO by the way I have hardly thought about the last few days. And when I tell you he has not been off my mind in 4 years I can assure you this is a major fucking turning point). I won't go too much into it but cut a long story short I got taken for dinner to the Vincent, wined and dined, had a few old fashioned's in Berry and Rye and then back to A Hard Day's Night hotel for what can only be described as porn star sex. I experienced my very first ever multiple orgasm through actual sex which has never ever happened to me before in my whole life and I actually had assumed was mythical until now. This dude has some magical fucking skills. I don't know what's happened recently. When I split with Ash it took me ages to build myself up to sleeping with someone else again. I was suffering from a severe case of penis fear. Now however, it appears I am totally cured and this slag is back on form and back on the cock. Epic. Not that I am going to go around bouncing on every shlong on offer you understand. While it is true when one is blessed with a 32FF chest and a thigh gap there is no shortage of shaggage on offer, I have decided to pace myself. Quite happy with the current one for the moment, but I am not getting birded up again. Uni comes first, then my son (sorry lad but mama's got to get the degree to get us the good life, you can tie your own shoes, mwah), then my health/fitness/yoga - which I have signed up to do a 30 day yoga detox thing which I am most looking forward to as I think  I could really do with toning down the crazy - and then any spare time after that will be filled wall to wall with cock.

Absolutely bloody marvellous plan.

So that's all from me. Stay tuned as no doubt everything will go tits up again, but for now I am one happy camper. Everything is going great and not a bellend in sight. Excellent.

Life Hack: Do no wrong, but take no shit. And everything will be wonderful xx

New Years blog!

First blog of the new year!

My New Years resolutions are as follows:

1. No more comparing yourself to other people. You are running your own race.

2. Exercise. Soley for the mental health benefits. At least 3 times a week. Preferably SOMETHING every day

3. Yoga. It's relaxing and it will help with the mind

4. Drink more water

5. Speak more French 

6. Do a good deed every day

7. Take more care of skin Inc moisturising after every shower

8. Read more books

9. Be thankful and positive every single morning 

10. Put 110percent into uni

Naturally Iv done fuck all of any of them so far but if I WAS to stick to them they would be fucking good resolutions.

Iv been having a very stressful time recently. Obviously the ex boyfriend is still weighing heavily on my mind.... Still in love.... Still know we can never be together again... General emo angst. We wished each other happy New Years. He seems to be doing well and I'm happy about that... Erm... Yeah...

In other mundane news my boiler has now broken leaving me freezing and hot waterless for days. 3 blokes tried to fix it so far. Yesterday I had murder with the plumbing company on the phone over what was going on, apparently they are calling me again tomorrow, anyway I was fuming when I got off the phone to them and so there could not have been a worse moment for me to receive this screenshot:

Right now backstory to this remember I said I was seeing a lad from who then cheated on me with another girl i know that people call the yeti? Then he begged me back and I told him to get to fuck and then he basically shacked up with her? Right well during his begging trying to get me back phase he told me and his mates this bird he shagged was fat and ugly and he'd made a terrible mistake and he wanted to die and bla bla bla.

Well one of his mates decided to ask the question seeing as now he's all shacked up with the bird and must be making a song and dance all over the Internet about how happy they are (clear sign of bullshit as we all know but anyway) and he replies that.

Now me, furious at the plumbing company and in turmoil over the

Love of my life see's this and just the very idea that this irrelevant skinny balding little prick thinks he's anywhere on my fucking radar and would be trying to get to him... Well I thought I'm just In the mood for you ya fucking peasant so I decided to unblock him on facebook and send him this:

Er excuse me bellend! If I wanted to try and get to you id do it my fucking self! If you think I'm sitting here still trying to get at you you are sorely mistaken! I grant you I was fucking pissed off for a good week and a half but now I and indeed every other fucker thinks you are a total joke shop! I have to say I applaud your efforts to change the narrative of this into a love story! But everyone knows that you think she's fat and ugly and she knows you're a liar and a cheat who's head is evidentially turned VERY fucking easily 😂 so with that in mind a love story seems a bit FUCKING UNLIKELY DOESNT IT YOU ABSOLUTE WEAPON! Of course everyone could all be wrong, this could be a beautiful relationship..... Haaaaaaa!!!!

The very fact you answered with anything other than " no I didn't, I'm totally into this plus size" confirms it! I'd hazard a guess you are all shacked up in her place rent free so you don't have to go home and would rather stick with the shitness than be on your own. If she gets pregnant I will never stop laughing!! If I wanted to get to you I would, but when it came down to it I simply didn't give enough of a shit to be arsed with the hassle! So yes just wanted to clear that up! No one is trying to get to you, no one needs to! You have fucked yourself up all on your little own! PS sometimes people send me pornographic sketches of you and her shagging that they have drawn when they are bored...... it's grim 😘

Obviously he blocked me immediately and probably didn't even read it but just knowing id pissed him off was enough to make me laugh!

I really couldn't give a fuck what the bellend does but I know and his mates know that he did in fact tell everyone he thinks that bird is fat and ugly so he can try and back track all he wants but he will always be the lad that fucked up and got stuck with the munter and the more he tries to make out otherwise the funnier it is. Tit.

New dude is currently skiing. I love that. Skiing is totally fucking civilised. I haven't been skiing since I was a kid but I definitely feel like I should be a person that skis.

What else oh yes There's been a big family kick off which has come to a

head today which is so ridiculous I can't even begin to go into it but it's just another thing clawing for attention in my headspace which I really don't need right now.

On a positive note I've just received all my modules for the next semester at uni and I cannot wait to get stuck in. I feel completely focused on what I have to achieve and I swear to god I am going to smash the shit out of this and then I'm going to become a shit hot lawyer. All these trivial little fucktards will be a distant memory. Bow down bitches, you are in the presence of greatness 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻