Crisis of confidence

Ok... I'm freaking out.

When I first decided to embark on this whole uni shin dig I had just split up with ash and I desperately needed something to focus on. The course I got on was perfect. One day a week, interesting, and I got to meet some fabulous people. There have been a few moments along the way where I have though "what the hell are you doing? You can't do this!" But on the whole I have been really successful.

So successful in fact, that it is now pretty much certain that not only will I be starting a full on law degree at the university of Liverpool in September, I will also be getting an excellence bursary for achievement on my current course. This is massively a big deal. Provided there are no massive fuck ups on my part of course

Ok. So here I am sitting here with my invite to my discovery day at uni in a couple of weeks. The law building is actually the same place I currently attend so there will be no surprises. This is all starting to feel very real. When I first started this I didn't really have a plan as to what I was going to go on to do and really just wanted to do it for fun more than anything however I quickly decided law was the way forward which was always my plan as a kid "what do you want to be when you grow up" sort of thing.

Well I'm all grown up now. And I am starting to look ahead as to what comes after uni. The options are as follows.

1. Stay in my current job and have the whole few years of study be just for a piece of paper and a warm glow inside.

2. Get on the graduate programme with my current employer which is no more money than I currently earn.

3. Get a training contract with a solicitors firm, do the legal practice qualification and become a solicitor earning a mid range salary.

4. Get on a graduate scheme with another business (prob same salary as I earn now)

5. Go into the police force and do their 3year fast track to inspector course (unsure of salary, probably the same as I'm on now but sounds fun)

6. Have a stab at the bar... Become a shit hot barrister complete with white wig and black robes, arguing the toss in court for a living and earning squillions.

Option 6 is enticing me I'm not gonna lie.

Ok so here's where the freak out is happening. Every time I think about it and get excited there's that "what are you thinking? You can't fucking do that! Mentalist" minion going on at me. It's so competitive. Is that world a place for a scouser? What if I'm shit at it and end up back where I started? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF????

I'm literally shitting myself right now. And it's not even for another few years until I make that decision but I feel as if I'm going to seriously attempt to make it in this profession I need to start thinking about it now. 

It's so competitive so I figure there are 2 realistic routes in. One being exceptional academic achievement and the other being doing some serious networking and making friends with the right people.

It feels so big and scary right now I feel like hiding away and not bothering.

I won't of course. I don't back down for any fucker. But I'm scared shitless and I don't know how I will ever get there.

Having said that, I had the exact same feeling this time last year about starting at UoL in the first place and look at me now. SMASHING IT is the only way to describe it.

So yes that's what is going on at the minute and what is occupying my every waking thought. I am hoping it will all come together and the road I take will be beautifully lit up for me.... I guess we will have to wait and see 

Xxxxx