Feeling Meh

I am feeling needy and shitty tonight

I will try and cut a long story very short on this one because I don't really want to discuss it but in a nutshell my dad has 2 brothers and a sister. 1 of the brothers decided he didn't want anything to do with the rest of the family any more at Christmas for reason's that aren't entirely clear to anyone but that's by the by, the point is, within a week of this kick off occurring something really really shitty happened to the other brother.

I spent this evening with him and my auntie and my dad and his family and I just feel so fucking shitty. Why do bad things happen to good people? I hope to god he recovers. I have faith that he will recover. But do you know what happened last time I had a family member have something shitty happen and I had faith that they would recover? She didn't fucking recover. She died. I had faith right up until we switched off the life support, I was utterly convinced there would be a miracle and she would magically wake up and everything would be alright. But I was wrong and she died, and it was shit.

And this is shit. It isn't anywhere near as shit as the last shitness, my uncle isn't on life support, but on a scale of 1 to shit, we are at the shitty end of the spectrum.

I feel.... ANGRY

Why the fuck do these things happen? Mad things that you don't even consider as a worry just randomly pop up to fuck everything up. I also feel angry at every bellend I have ever met in my life who has moaned about something trivial and claimed to be depressed over it. Like, are you fucking serious you narcissistic, self obsessed, victim playing little cunt, you don't know the meaning of the word. That rant isn't directed at any cunt in particular I have met a few of these morons over the years, it's directed at all of them in general. I was going out with some cunt in 2009 and he was like that. I'm that pissed off with the world I have actually forgotten the pricks name but I was with him for about a year and he was always playing the victim and saying he was depressed. CARL that was it. Fucking prick. He ended up taking loads of anti depressants and complained they didn't work. Yeah you know why that is don't you, because you aren't suffering from depression it's just your life is that boring it would send a glass eye to sleep. That other lad from last year was the same actually now I come to think of it. Terry 2002 he was another one. 2 years I put up with his whinging for. I was young and naïve then I think I was only about 18/19 so I persevered for 2 FUCKING YEARS listening to the whining and the moaning and thinking I could help him. It must be a new breed. I swear to god evolution has stopped working and these pricks are actually degenerating into vegetative organisms who's sole use in life is for a shag. Being older and wiser I have got a lot better at dropkicking the wankers at the very first red flag but I am still livid over all the time I wasted over the years consoling these dickheads. Because I can tell you in 100percent of cases these pathetic specimens are still exactly the fucking same today as they were back then. I saw Terry the other day walking down the road and thought....why have you wasted your life. He must only be about 34, he looks about 50. He had the tools available to build a decent life but instead he wasted it on being a martyr and now he looks suicidal. God I have fucked some losers in my time.

I have gone a little off topic here but I feel slightly better after that rant.

So anyway yes my uncle is in a bad way and I and the rest of the family feel helpless and frustrated as does he. I am PRAYING he recovers, I am not sure what will happen if not. In fact I don't think I have the brain space to deal with it.

Speaking of brain, I am quite proud of myself as although I am freaking the fuck out, it is handleable, I don't feel chaotic or unstable which is great because this is precisely the sort of shit that could potentially trigger an episode in me. Thank Christ for the medication, I think this is a good sign. I feel like I feel the "normal" amount of upset/depression as opposed to the bad place. And this suggests I have got the medication balance just right. Every cloud I suppose.

In other news the abstinence based recovery programme I have put myself on in an attempt to ween myself off my ex boyfriends penis has been, on the whole, successful...although I have had a minor wobble this week with the whole abstinence thing and as of right now I just wanna pick up the phone and call him but that is because I am having a little trauma and like I said at the start I am NEEDY right now. I need to be held. That's what I really miss about him, he would take me in his big strong arms and I would feel so small and safe...when he wasn't giving me black eyes and threatening to kill me of course. WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP.

Here we have the problem. I am not interested in having a boyfriend. I haven't been interested since we split up. It has been over 18months on this single life and aside from the odd waifs and strays along the way there has been precisely no one that has really got that fire burning inside me. I get asked out about once a fortnight...mostly from the same guy who I shagged a few times while back and then he didn't stop calling for years ever since. I do sort of have my eye on someone. It would be the easiest thing in the world for me to flirt with him a bit, massage his ego, let him feel like he is chasing me, bed him and then shag him for a few months while telling him what he wants to here and buying him a chippy now and again, but honestly, that shit gets complicated really quickly. There is nothing worse than complicated mediocre.

So not wanting a boyfriend, and can't be arsed with casual what do I do in a situation of neediness?

I think you know what I would normally do. But I am not going to do that this time I am going to resist that urge and keep my sobriety. Might message all my loser ex's with a full breakdown as to where their lives went wrong ha

Crisis of confidence

Ok... I'm freaking out.

When I first decided to embark on this whole uni shin dig I had just split up with ash and I desperately needed something to focus on. The course I got on was perfect. One day a week, interesting, and I got to meet some fabulous people. There have been a few moments along the way where I have though "what the hell are you doing? You can't do this!" But on the whole I have been really successful.

So successful in fact, that it is now pretty much certain that not only will I be starting a full on law degree at the university of Liverpool in September, I will also be getting an excellence bursary for achievement on my current course. This is massively a big deal. Provided there are no massive fuck ups on my part of course

Ok. So here I am sitting here with my invite to my discovery day at uni in a couple of weeks. The law building is actually the same place I currently attend so there will be no surprises. This is all starting to feel very real. When I first started this I didn't really have a plan as to what I was going to go on to do and really just wanted to do it for fun more than anything however I quickly decided law was the way forward which was always my plan as a kid "what do you want to be when you grow up" sort of thing.

Well I'm all grown up now. And I am starting to look ahead as to what comes after uni. The options are as follows.

1. Stay in my current job and have the whole few years of study be just for a piece of paper and a warm glow inside.

2. Get on the graduate programme with my current employer which is no more money than I currently earn.

3. Get a training contract with a solicitors firm, do the legal practice qualification and become a solicitor earning a mid range salary.

4. Get on a graduate scheme with another business (prob same salary as I earn now)

5. Go into the police force and do their 3year fast track to inspector course (unsure of salary, probably the same as I'm on now but sounds fun)

6. Have a stab at the bar... Become a shit hot barrister complete with white wig and black robes, arguing the toss in court for a living and earning squillions.

Option 6 is enticing me I'm not gonna lie.

Ok so here's where the freak out is happening. Every time I think about it and get excited there's that "what are you thinking? You can't fucking do that! Mentalist" minion going on at me. It's so competitive. Is that world a place for a scouser? What if I'm shit at it and end up back where I started? WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF????

I'm literally shitting myself right now. And it's not even for another few years until I make that decision but I feel as if I'm going to seriously attempt to make it in this profession I need to start thinking about it now. 

It's so competitive so I figure there are 2 realistic routes in. One being exceptional academic achievement and the other being doing some serious networking and making friends with the right people.

It feels so big and scary right now I feel like hiding away and not bothering.

I won't of course. I don't back down for any fucker. But I'm scared shitless and I don't know how I will ever get there.

Having said that, I had the exact same feeling this time last year about starting at UoL in the first place and look at me now. SMASHING IT is the only way to describe it.

So yes that's what is going on at the minute and what is occupying my every waking thought. I am hoping it will all come together and the road I take will be beautifully lit up for me.... I guess we will have to wait and see 

Xxxxx