Putting the hot in Psychotic

Greetings from lunaticsville!!

What a rollercoaster of a week this has been!

Last weekend my friends and I gathered for a small soiree which resulted in us all getting absolutely twatted and sent me as far west as can possibly be until around Wednesday. Such is the problem of having a good time. The length of the recovery period is in direct correlation with the size of the ball that was had. I am reliably informed I left the party at 7am. I WALKED home having left my car at my mates house and deciding I needed to be alone.... what the fuck. Got home, got into bed and then spent the next 3 days questioning every life choice I had ever made and crying a lot. You know how it is.

This, coupled with the fact my Achilles heel as he will here after be known decided to call me on Sunday and it sounded like he was in a similar state. We cried. And told each other we still loved each other. What a fucking disaster. I blame the drink.....etc. He also did an Adele on me and wanted to go over everything that went wrong with us while I chipped in occasionally with I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT but to no avail. Speaking to him, it is abundantly clear he has no clear recollection whatsoever about what happened the night we broke up. And frankly I don't want to enlighten him as it is far too painful to talk about. I can't possibly meet up with him though as he still seems to believe will be happening. If I see him again, I'll shag him again. I know this, you know this, a fucking deaf, blind and mute kid in outer Mongolia knows this. And it is a recipe for carnage. It is NOT HAPPENING NO NO NO. After spending half the week in a state of melancholy and following some ill advised shenanigans I have made an executive decision to stop doing stupid stuff. The only problem we have is I am currently flying through a hypermanic episode, during which doing stupid stuff is simply unavoidable. The best thing I can do is remain indoors and channel this energy into productive actions. My uni work has been smashed today. I am about 6 WEEKS ahead of where I need to be (which is massively impressive thank you very much) and this is due to the fact I spent the day in the library churning out assignment after assignment. I have sent it off to my tutors to get some feedback on it before I submit it (just to make sure I haven't produced thousands of words of shit) and as I type this blog I am literally checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if I have had a response. It is Saturday night. I KNOW I am not going to get a response over the weekend. Yet I still check. It is honestly like when you have text a boy you are keen on and are constantly checking your phone for a reply except its not a boy its world renowned doctors and professors etc.

I put the hot in psychotic

I feel like going out for a run.... THAT is how mad I am right now.

Instead, I shall have a bath, get in my pyjama's and resist the urge to bounce into town and go and party with strangers (yes, I have done that before. A lot. Mainly in Garlands. Had a ball as well to be fair) and I will also resist the urge I have to get in my car and go and drive to London which I have also done before several times....Ohhhhh me and my chaotic brain. It is like there is a little devil on my shoulder saying go on, get into mischief....think of the stories you will be able to tell. Stop it, stop it right now!!!!!

In fact, you know what, balls to it. You only live once and all that. I'm off out on an adventure, if i'm not back by Thursday call the police xxx

February Feeling Fine

S'appenin there my lovelies I thought I would write a little blog this evening about nothing in particular.

First things first I have decided to give up cock for lent. While I would like to say this is in the interests of being righteous and holy, if I am being completely honest it is solely to give myself a fighting chance of not fucking my ex boyfriend again. I'm going to just hold my hands up it was firmly on the cards set in stone arranged meet up.

ARGH!!

I had not been having as much contact with him of late, then a couple of weeks ago he phoned me one Thursday evening just for a hi how are you chat sort of thing. None descript. Mediocre. Boring. Then at 4am I get a phonecall.... I ignored it as I was sleepy however me being completely addicted to him as we all know lasted approx 30seconds before returning the call. He was drunk, he was missing me. He was apologetic for all previous twatness. And then he began talking about our sex life and said he knew that I, like he, had never been able to have sex to match the sex we had.

And though it truly pains me to admit it, he's absolutely right.

What a conundrum.

I'm not saying the sex I have had since him has been bad at all.... more just....yano....vanilla. And although everyone quite likes vanilla, it really is no comparison to a double chocolate fudge sunday with wafers, sprinkles and a sparkler in it. The struggle is real.

Do you have to fuck a psycho to get laid properly? I have to believe that is not the case or I am going to be going backwards for the rest of my life. It's not just the sex though. I think the amazing sex we created had a lot to do with the fact we shared a deep deep intimacy that led to a connection that is near impossible to replicate. I was in love. That's what is is, I was in love...still am...and the love allowed us to be completely uninhibited with each other. That and the fact we were both complete and utter nymphomaniacs and were also a bit on the depraved side.

So anyway he was meant to be coming to see me at the end of the month and while I initially agreed, I later backtracked because I can't deal with another period of emotional turmoil after the fact. We all know what is going to happen. I will have a crazy night of wild passion and then be cast back down the rabbit hole of despair. I have a lot of uni deadlines coming up in March and April and I honestly can't face doing another assignment through fits of sobs. No, back the fucking truck up and don't do it.

I have extended this cock back to include all penises and to this end I will not be sleeping with ANYONE. It is quite simple to do when your main source of love length is London based and you aren't the slightest bit interested in anything else.

I was discussing with a friend the fact I hadn't shagged a scouser since 2011 and was feeling quite worldly until she informed me she hadn't shagged a BRITISH PERSON since 2007 and a scouser since 2004!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All at once my world seemed so.....small.

My worst ever fear is just living a life were you don't move out of a square mile radius so I am always making sure I can travel as often as I can and experience new things as much as possible but the sad fact is that while I do my studies I am financially restricted to what I can do. In my second year I have the option to study in America so I am trying to convince my son that this would be a cool thing to do to move there for a few months but I think I am flogging a dead kid because he doesn't seem keen. It is a while away yet though so you never know. I may threaten him with boarding school if he continues to be so boring. It is basically kennelling for the middle classes so it is clearly an option. I am dreaming big. 5 years from now I want to be in a new job earning at least double what I am on now in a house twice the size having had a continued stay abroad somewhere. And I will achieve it, just need to stay focussed on the end game.

I'm loving my yoga detox thing I am doing although getting to town for 7am for the classes is almost finishing me off. But a girls got to realign her chakras somehow and it is all in the name of inner peace.

That's all for now motherfuckers until next time xxx

Bipolar and Me

For those who have followed my blog for the past few years you may have noticed that I can, on occasion, display behaviour which may be considered insane. I thought I would write a little blog to discuss my mental health and perhaps offer some insights into what it is like living with bipolar and who knows, I may even help some people.

So Bipolar.....EEEEEEEEK!!!!!

It's really not that big of a deal.

In my opinion every single person in the world has some elements of crazy about them. There is no "normal" per se. Everyone has ups and downs in life and at one point or another everyone has probably questioned their sanity when they have been really angry or hurt or whatever.

With bipolar, its the same. Except the highs are infinitely higher and the lows are catastrophically lower.

There are a couple of different types of bipolar and I am no psychiatrist so I'm only going to talk about me. I can't even actually remember what my one is but its the one where when you are on a high you aren't like seeing visions or thinking you can talk to God or anything but you are still a bit 3 sheets to the wind.

OK

So how does this affect me.

Well to be honest 95% of the time everything is sound. In fact, the episodes of hyperness (by far my favourite pole out of the two) are not only fucking brilliant fun, but can also lead to really high productivity. Your house is spotless, you can handle anything, you have great idea's and are focussed and driven. The problems arise when you start to make reckless decisions and have little awareness of actions having consequences. This manifests itself for me in I can't stop spending all of my money. Now I am able to manage this now by basically giving my money to my mum to keep hold of for me. She has an account that I can't get at without asking her first. Now I actually asked my mum to do this so I could save up. Because if I can see money in my account and I am on a manic, you can guarantee it will be gone within about 10minutes and I will be sat surrounded by designer handbags and sunglasses with no food to eat in the house. When I was younger I used to also take ridiculous risks and yes well lets be honest I was a bit of slag. I have got this under control now, partly because I have been there and done that (and I have to be honest I would say I had a really fucking good time) and partly I think because I had such a volatile long term relationship I think in a sick sort of way that relationship satisfied a lot of the recklessness. That makes no sense, I know that, but it makes sense in my head and it's my blog so I don't care.

Other mad things that happen.

Sometimes when I am at the top of either pole, I lose my ability to see properly. Or rather, make sense of what I am looking at. A newspaper for example would just look like all mixed up words or sometimes even blank. I could sit and watch TV and not be able to tell you what happened because it just didn't make sense in my head.

The funniest symptom of my disorder was when I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my memories. I would dream I had been food shopping, and then couldn't work out why the cupboards were empty because the dream felt like a memory. I would also dream I had had conversations with people and then when I would talk to them about it they would be like what the fucking hell are you on about you mad person. Most unpleasant! It was at this point I decided I needed medical assistance and thankfully this has stopped now because of my magic pills!

Ahhh the pills!! Now we don't get anti depressants because we can get a little TOO happy on those bad boys so instead we get mood stabilisers which bring our moods back down within "normal" crazy levels rather than the postal ones which I am prone to.

Rather excitingly I also have ADHD which I got diagnosed with at the age of 29 and usually don't own up to but in the interests of being candid I shall share this with you also. This does not mean I run around toy stores being naughty, but what it can mean is... for example I was driving out of work once and it was dark, someone switched their engine on and their headlights came on. I was so distracted by the twinkly lights I turned to stare at them and nearly crashed into an oncoming car. I pretty much have a handle on this as I have been aware of this condition all my life even before being diagnosed but what it means is I am basically extra impulsive, and pretty much can't help myself if I have an overwhelming urge to do something! I am over the top, I am dramatic and I am a loose cannon. Would I change it? No. It's me, and I don't fucking care. Because at the same time I am also good hearted and kind and I think that on the whole I'm a good egg!

Now to the lows

Shittiest pole out of the 2. Anyone who suffers with depression will relate to this, you can't possibly see how to get through the next hour let alone a way forward in life. And you are surrounded by well meaning people telling you how fabulous you are and you just want them all to fuck off and leave you alone so you can sob under your duvet and not really understand what it is you are sobbing about. I also experience racing thoughts where my mind being the sick bastard that it is will replay horrendous thoughts quickly through my head so fast you can barely make sense of them, but you know they are bad.

My last depressive episode was December and I can view it now with a clear head. During that time and I did blog about it at the time, I had a uni assignment due in and an exam. I am not joking you when I say I sobbed with every word I typed for that assignment and I am not talking about little dramatic forlorn tears I am talking about full on hysterical howling sobs with snot and everything. I was close to hanging myself with my dressing gown cord, I even chose the place and HOOVERED ALL AROUND THE AREA because in my catastrophic doom I reasoned I couldn't have someone come in and find my body if I had not cleaned because the first thing they would think was scruffy bitch hasn't even hoovered the stairs.

I can see now, this is INSANE

And I thank the lord for every single person that came and dragged me through that terrible time.

TOP TIP if you are mental you need to let everyone know so they can help you because dear God you need at least one person to support you. I have a crisis list with 9 close friends numbers on who I can call.

I got my marks back for the assignments and the exam in uni today. I got firsts across the board.

Now this is important and the reason I have decided to write this blog today. As real and intense as my depressive episode was, I was still able to achieve astounding results. Somewhere in the chaos my brain must have gone into autopilot and pulled it right out of the bag. I know its easy for me to say this now it's over but if EVER I get in that state again which I probably will at some point being a bipolar bunny, I need to remember that...well....it's not real, it's all in my head. Shit happens, Shitty people exist and there is not a lot you can do about that, and sadly it's those events and people that trigger off the depressive episodes for me usually. The big ones I mean. So I need to remember that in spite of that, I need to try and ignore the craziness in my head and crack on. Because now I know it is possible.

I watched Judge Judy and she was saying to some degenerate "Even on my worst day, I am better than you on your best day". And THAT is exactly how I feel right now. That was my worst worst day, and I still produced first class uni work. Fucking fist pump!!!!!

So yes, in a nutshell, bipolar is part of who I am. Some of my most ingenious ideas have stemmed from my darkest days. Some of my happiest memories have come from my manic behaviour. So while it may not be ideal....actually....if i'm honest.... I wouldn't change it for the world!!!!!!


Love ya crazy cats xxx

out from the darkness...

Well dearest readers, 2016 has taken a rather unexpected turn. With the events of the past couple of months almost driving me to suicide, coupled with the fact that Mercury is currently in retrograde until 25th Jan (astrology shit, means life normally goes tits up), it would have been the obvious conclusion that life may have continued on a downward spiral for me for the foreseeable. Instead, and I have no idea why, but life has got fucking boss!!!!!

My mojo returned a few days after new year. I woke up one morning feeling like I could take on the world. My first victory was with that god damn emergency plumbing service. I called them, I fumed, and was given £150quid compensation for my inconvenience. I'm not sure that fully compensates for my having to stay at my mothers to get warm but nonetheless I was happy to accept.

Daddy dearest also stumped up the cash for a brand new boiler and 6 new radiators ensuring toasty warmth forever more.

My second victory was breaking the back of my uni prep for next semester. I was overjoyed to discover I got my choices and have been dutifully swotting up on all my reading. The absolute best part is in September when I start my law degree, I have got my student finance all worked out, and it turns out with the student loan plus the 3, yes count them 3 bursary's I am eligible for.... I... WON'T.... HAVE..... TO..... WORK..... lets take a moment to let that sink in....oh god it's just bloody marvellous. In fact, I have some shares maturing in June....  I could actually probably afford to sack it off TODAY and be alright. I'm not getting too crazy though. I have decided that if I continue to work (which I will be able to as the law department tell me the degree is only 8-12hours a week in uni time) I will be able to save up and graduate with a decent amount of dollar behind me. I'll be cutting down to 16hours though. Decided to see which way the wind blows. I'll carry on working, see how it goes. But the idea of not HAVING to work is pretty bloody liberating. I am aware there will be lots of UNI work involved but I am a single working parent. Juggling comes second nature to me.

Even work has got fucking boss! I went back last week after having some time off over the Christmas period....and my birthday...a month, I had a month off but it was for recuperation purposes alright. Anyway.... it was grand! I work with some of the funniest, kindest people I've ever met and I am so grateful to them all for being absolute belters. Endless laughter and wind ups. Just what you need in the workplace!

I got a photo in the post off Prince Harry today. The best thing I have ever received through the post. I wrote to him for a laugh a week ago and told him I thought his hair was awesome and I got this note back today thanking me for my kind words and wishing me the best for 2016 with a photo of him looking all rugged. He clearly wants my arse and who can blame him.

Oh and I got laid. Not by my ex boyfriend either (WHO by the way I have hardly thought about the last few days. And when I tell you he has not been off my mind in 4 years I can assure you this is a major fucking turning point). I won't go too much into it but cut a long story short I got taken for dinner to the Vincent, wined and dined, had a few old fashioned's in Berry and Rye and then back to A Hard Day's Night hotel for what can only be described as porn star sex. I experienced my very first ever multiple orgasm through actual sex which has never ever happened to me before in my whole life and I actually had assumed was mythical until now. This dude has some magical fucking skills. I don't know what's happened recently. When I split with Ash it took me ages to build myself up to sleeping with someone else again. I was suffering from a severe case of penis fear. Now however, it appears I am totally cured and this slag is back on form and back on the cock. Epic. Not that I am going to go around bouncing on every shlong on offer you understand. While it is true when one is blessed with a 32FF chest and a thigh gap there is no shortage of shaggage on offer, I have decided to pace myself. Quite happy with the current one for the moment, but I am not getting birded up again. Uni comes first, then my son (sorry lad but mama's got to get the degree to get us the good life, you can tie your own shoes, mwah), then my health/fitness/yoga - which I have signed up to do a 30 day yoga detox thing which I am most looking forward to as I think  I could really do with toning down the crazy - and then any spare time after that will be filled wall to wall with cock.

Absolutely bloody marvellous plan.

So that's all from me. Stay tuned as no doubt everything will go tits up again, but for now I am one happy camper. Everything is going great and not a bellend in sight. Excellent.

Life Hack: Do no wrong, but take no shit. And everything will be wonderful xx

New Years blog!

First blog of the new year!

My New Years resolutions are as follows:

1. No more comparing yourself to other people. You are running your own race.

2. Exercise. Soley for the mental health benefits. At least 3 times a week. Preferably SOMETHING every day

3. Yoga. It's relaxing and it will help with the mind

4. Drink more water

5. Speak more French 

6. Do a good deed every day

7. Take more care of skin Inc moisturising after every shower

8. Read more books

9. Be thankful and positive every single morning 

10. Put 110percent into uni

Naturally Iv done fuck all of any of them so far but if I WAS to stick to them they would be fucking good resolutions.

Iv been having a very stressful time recently. Obviously the ex boyfriend is still weighing heavily on my mind.... Still in love.... Still know we can never be together again... General emo angst. We wished each other happy New Years. He seems to be doing well and I'm happy about that... Erm... Yeah...

In other mundane news my boiler has now broken leaving me freezing and hot waterless for days. 3 blokes tried to fix it so far. Yesterday I had murder with the plumbing company on the phone over what was going on, apparently they are calling me again tomorrow, anyway I was fuming when I got off the phone to them and so there could not have been a worse moment for me to receive this screenshot:

Right now backstory to this remember I said I was seeing a lad from who then cheated on me with another girl i know that people call the yeti? Then he begged me back and I told him to get to fuck and then he basically shacked up with her? Right well during his begging trying to get me back phase he told me and his mates this bird he shagged was fat and ugly and he'd made a terrible mistake and he wanted to die and bla bla bla.

Well one of his mates decided to ask the question seeing as now he's all shacked up with the bird and must be making a song and dance all over the Internet about how happy they are (clear sign of bullshit as we all know but anyway) and he replies that.

Now me, furious at the plumbing company and in turmoil over the

Love of my life see's this and just the very idea that this irrelevant skinny balding little prick thinks he's anywhere on my fucking radar and would be trying to get to him... Well I thought I'm just In the mood for you ya fucking peasant so I decided to unblock him on facebook and send him this:

Er excuse me bellend! If I wanted to try and get to you id do it my fucking self! If you think I'm sitting here still trying to get at you you are sorely mistaken! I grant you I was fucking pissed off for a good week and a half but now I and indeed every other fucker thinks you are a total joke shop! I have to say I applaud your efforts to change the narrative of this into a love story! But everyone knows that you think she's fat and ugly and she knows you're a liar and a cheat who's head is evidentially turned VERY fucking easily 😂 so with that in mind a love story seems a bit FUCKING UNLIKELY DOESNT IT YOU ABSOLUTE WEAPON! Of course everyone could all be wrong, this could be a beautiful relationship..... Haaaaaaa!!!!

The very fact you answered with anything other than " no I didn't, I'm totally into this plus size" confirms it! I'd hazard a guess you are all shacked up in her place rent free so you don't have to go home and would rather stick with the shitness than be on your own. If she gets pregnant I will never stop laughing!! If I wanted to get to you I would, but when it came down to it I simply didn't give enough of a shit to be arsed with the hassle! So yes just wanted to clear that up! No one is trying to get to you, no one needs to! You have fucked yourself up all on your little own! PS sometimes people send me pornographic sketches of you and her shagging that they have drawn when they are bored...... it's grim 😘

Obviously he blocked me immediately and probably didn't even read it but just knowing id pissed him off was enough to make me laugh!

I really couldn't give a fuck what the bellend does but I know and his mates know that he did in fact tell everyone he thinks that bird is fat and ugly so he can try and back track all he wants but he will always be the lad that fucked up and got stuck with the munter and the more he tries to make out otherwise the funnier it is. Tit.

New dude is currently skiing. I love that. Skiing is totally fucking civilised. I haven't been skiing since I was a kid but I definitely feel like I should be a person that skis.

What else oh yes There's been a big family kick off which has come to a

head today which is so ridiculous I can't even begin to go into it but it's just another thing clawing for attention in my headspace which I really don't need right now.

On a positive note I've just received all my modules for the next semester at uni and I cannot wait to get stuck in. I feel completely focused on what I have to achieve and I swear to god I am going to smash the shit out of this and then I'm going to become a shit hot lawyer. All these trivial little fucktards will be a distant memory. Bow down bitches, you are in the presence of greatness 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

The law off attraction goes tits up

I am a firm believer in the law of attraction and if you focus on something hard enough it manifests itself. Iv found this to be most effective when I am at my most emotional, like the universe is more in tune with my signals or some shit.

Christmas was great, quiet but great, saw the family and ate myself into oblivion. The news was dominated by the terrible floods that have been going on and I found myself feeling deeply sorry for everyone involved and wondering what it would be like if we got flooded. Toyed with the idea of buying a dinghy just in case I had to sail to the shops or something.

I came home from my mums yesterday and started my new year sort out. Blitzed the baby's room and made space for all his new toys. Then today I went in and discovered that his radiator had got a hole in it and his floor was an inch deep with water.

I manifested myself a fucking flood.

Can you believe this shit? I actually laughed at the irony. So I phoned my dad who was away at a family gathering I hadn't been invited to (another story), phoned the baby's dad who was out meeting fucking Everton players. I phoned my home emergency cover people who were very sympathetic and said they would send someone out FUCKING TOMORROW. Phoned my plumber who informed me he wasn't working today and even if I could get a plumber out it would cost a fortune as it's Christmas. And then I phoned united utilities who wouldn't even answer the phone as they are busy with the FUCKING FLOODS.

Then I cried 

Then I text my ex boyfriend. 

He called me. And It felt so fucking good to hear his voice at this time of despair. He made me laugh. And then He spoke about new stuff he has in his life that I didn't know about which felt like a dagger to the heart. I miss him every day. I KNOW I need to shut this down and I'm wondering if my heightened emotional state is actually being caused by him rather than eased. Just like a pill. Instead of making me better you are making me ill. Seriously it's like being an addict. You know it's bad but the slightest knock and you are right back on the bad stuff craving another hit.

I KNOW ITS RIDICULOUS YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ME THIS

I just really am fucking in love with the prick and I'm not sure I will ever not be in love with him.

Anyway back to the flood

I can't turn the water off because I have no stop cock in my house. I found what I thought was the stop cock but it turns out I had in fact turned off the gas which explains why it didn't stop the water. Buy your own house they said! Itl be great they said! Fuck this shit I'm selling up and renting. You know I just don't feel like enough of a grown up to deal with this. Life requires skills I simply do not have.

I have plugged the hole with some stuff and have stuck a load of industrial tape over the whole thing which has reduced the gushing to a small droplet situation. I have resigned myself to the fact I am going to be up all night monitoring the situation until the "EMERGENCY" plumber comes tomorrow. Also my heating is making a weird noise which I think may be because I turned the gas off. Ah yes, I just checked and the pilot light was out. Which it would be. As I turned off the fucking gas. MORON!!!

Seriously why me?!!! And why am I such a fucking moron?!!

Apparently I can turn the water off at the mains but Iv looked at it and it needs some sort of tool which I don't have because I'm a girl.

I am fully damsel in distress right now. When sinead Oconnor was having that melt down the other week, that's how I feel right now! Fully mental! Life needs to back off!!!

When this mini drama is over I am going to sort my shit out.

The ex has got to go. I thought I could repurpose him into some sort of I don't know friend situation but no, it's too hard and I just want to rip his clothes off and fuck the living day lights out of him. Bad man equals best sex of my life. What a shitter. You can not be friends with someone you have been in love with. Or still are in love with. 

I realised I think he's the only person Iv ever loved. I think he's my mr big. Why's my mr big got to be such a big prick. Sort your shit out immediately!!

Christmas fuck buddy has been Christmas fucked off too. I had a series of 4 middle of the night phone calls like 5 nights in a row over Xmas. And 2 texts saying "I love you".

No

I am cultivating someone brand spanking new. Well he was on the back burner last summer but now Iv brought him back to the boil. This one has potential. He's a proper actual grown up man with his own company and a hot body and a vroomy car. And who's idea of a date involves cocktails and mood lighting. I deserve mood fucking lighting!!!!!! The last date I went on involved bowling and a Maccies on the way home. I mean seriously, what the fuck is that?

New Years resolution. Sort my shit out. No more "going nowhere" guys. I need rescuing here, not yet another anchor around my neck. The next one will need to be university educated with a higher tax bracket salary and own abode and means of transportation. I am not taking in any more strays.

Right, that's it from flood watch. Soggy and not in the good way. I'm going to try and use the law of attraction to attract some decent shit into my life. It clearly fucking works

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals 

Xxx

Down the rabbit hole

The plan was simple. Don't. Shag. Him.

What could possibly go wrong...

We were in contact daily. Every single day I'd get a text without fail. We'd chat, about nothing in particular. Vague suggestions about maybe meeting up were thrown about by him and valiantly avoided by me. I was being strong.

I was also however crying every day. Depression had slowly clawed its way back around me and now I was trapped underneath the cloud. I had felt it creeping on for a month and then one day I woke up and realised I was crippled. After 18months of building myself back up I was back on the floor. As much as I tried to fight it the force was far too great and here I was again. And as if by magic the universe aligned which meant we would be in the exact same place at the exact same time.

I arrived at rock bottom on a Tuesday. A familiar territory, having spent a lot of time here last year, but this time it was different. More intense. I felt like I was drunk most of the time and to make matters worse I didn't have the luxury of being able to wallow and stagnate as I had Christmas shopping to do. numerous uni deadlines to hit and work to go to. I typed up my last assignment crying with every word. 2000 sobbed words. It will be interesting to see the marks I get for this module as it was completed during a total breakdown. I get mitigating circumstances as I have a letter from my doctor but i weirdly wanted to complete the module with no help. Was being a bit of a bellend in that respect really but anyway it's done now and what will be will be.

I was weak. It was like a magnet pulling me in. I was intoxicated by the taste of his skin. His scent, his touch. It was as if no time had gone by at all. I was powerless. It was agony. It was ecstasy.

This man broke my heart. This man broke my soul. I was tortured by the memories. I have concluded the main problem here is that I know this man is probably the only man on earth who truly knows me. He understands my chaotic mind as I understand his. It's not common knowledge but we are both ADHD, although his a lot more severe than mine. 2 troubled souls with limited control. He knows every inch of my body and know every inch of his. Every freckle, every muscle, every single bit. It felt safe. It felt dangerous. It felt wrong. It felt perfect. The intensity of it all was a force greater than I could fight. I fell down the rabbit hole.

The Tuesday breakdown began in a shambles. My thoughts were racing  and I couldn't control them- I craved peace. I had thought of nothing but Him 24/7 for weeks. In fact if I am truly honest with myself, there hasn't been a day that's gone by in years that I haven't thought of him. But he was ALL I thought about now. And I was in what was now unbearable pain. Exquisite pain. But pain none the less. My friends must have noticed my irratic mood and i presume a few frantic phonecalls were made because no less than 17 of them contacted me to talk me through the haze. Texts. Calls. 2 even came round to my house. I had not told them what I had been up to as I was ashamed. I was haunted by the memory of being strangled during the first major assault that got him arrested the first time. In fact that thought haunts me daily. I remember being scared but I do not remember pain. I was thinking how nice it would be if I could recreate that myself. Maybe with something nice and soft like my dressing gown belt. I reasoned I would probably just pass out and drift away. It's not that I wanted to die. Far from it. I just wanted it all to stop. I needed to get out somehow. And this was the only thing I could think of. My friends had no knowledge of what had been going on. But they all could see that something was drastically wrong. Every ounce of pain I had shielded myself from through the last couple of years with anger and defiance was now attacking me and I had no more defences left. I was exhausted from keeping up the charade of being fine. I curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor and cried.They asked me what had brought this on. And I told them things just went wrong too many times.

My army of well wishers carried me through.

The clarity came on a Sunday. I woke up feeling close to normal. I could breathe and I wasn't in pain. I think these last few weeks had to happen. The weird thing about a domestic violence break up is that it's all sort of taken out of your hands. There was the final incident, he was arrested, and then bail conditions were put in place so he wasn't allowed to contact me. It's obviously for your own safety but it's almost as if the police just come and say look right you've got to break up with him now and you don't get to discuss it or actually break up with him because we will do it for you. You my dear are fucked and can't make proper decisions so that's what's happening.

It is almost as if you are robbed of the actual break up. There's no "it's over" conversation. There's no closure. And you can mask it all you want with the anger and the moving on but it's still there like unfinished business.

I feel like this was pain I had to feel. It was a shock I had to deal with and I feel like I'm seeing things more clearly now. I'm still in love with him. But I know we can never ever be together again. And maybe that's OK to feel that way. I may never get over what happened. But I know I can survive it. And that feels empowering. It still doesn't feel quite dealt with. And maybe in a couple of years il go through the cycle again. I fucking hope not though, it's a royal pain in the arse.

The plan now is to concentrate on uni. That's my ticket out of this life. I have 3 books to read over the next month so I can lose myself in them.

I have also acquired a Christmas fuck buddy because, well, a girls got to eat. And straightforward sex with a straight forward guy is both calming and refreshing.

So yes, that's all for now. They say never look back, but I think we can all agree I never actually left in the first place. I feel like Iv taken a few steps away now. Actual steps not baby steps. It feels like I have shut the door myself now, rather than the police doing it if that makes sense.

Let's see what the next chapter of my mess of a life has in store hahaha xxx