Down the rabbit hole

The plan was simple. Don't. Shag. Him.

What could possibly go wrong...

We were in contact daily. Every single day I'd get a text without fail. We'd chat, about nothing in particular. Vague suggestions about maybe meeting up were thrown about by him and valiantly avoided by me. I was being strong.

I was also however crying every day. Depression had slowly clawed its way back around me and now I was trapped underneath the cloud. I had felt it creeping on for a month and then one day I woke up and realised I was crippled. After 18months of building myself back up I was back on the floor. As much as I tried to fight it the force was far too great and here I was again. And as if by magic the universe aligned which meant we would be in the exact same place at the exact same time.

I arrived at rock bottom on a Tuesday. A familiar territory, having spent a lot of time here last year, but this time it was different. More intense. I felt like I was drunk most of the time and to make matters worse I didn't have the luxury of being able to wallow and stagnate as I had Christmas shopping to do. numerous uni deadlines to hit and work to go to. I typed up my last assignment crying with every word. 2000 sobbed words. It will be interesting to see the marks I get for this module as it was completed during a total breakdown. I get mitigating circumstances as I have a letter from my doctor but i weirdly wanted to complete the module with no help. Was being a bit of a bellend in that respect really but anyway it's done now and what will be will be.

I was weak. It was like a magnet pulling me in. I was intoxicated by the taste of his skin. His scent, his touch. It was as if no time had gone by at all. I was powerless. It was agony. It was ecstasy.

This man broke my heart. This man broke my soul. I was tortured by the memories. I have concluded the main problem here is that I know this man is probably the only man on earth who truly knows me. He understands my chaotic mind as I understand his. It's not common knowledge but we are both ADHD, although his a lot more severe than mine. 2 troubled souls with limited control. He knows every inch of my body and know every inch of his. Every freckle, every muscle, every single bit. It felt safe. It felt dangerous. It felt wrong. It felt perfect. The intensity of it all was a force greater than I could fight. I fell down the rabbit hole.

The Tuesday breakdown began in a shambles. My thoughts were racing  and I couldn't control them- I craved peace. I had thought of nothing but Him 24/7 for weeks. In fact if I am truly honest with myself, there hasn't been a day that's gone by in years that I haven't thought of him. But he was ALL I thought about now. And I was in what was now unbearable pain. Exquisite pain. But pain none the less. My friends must have noticed my irratic mood and i presume a few frantic phonecalls were made because no less than 17 of them contacted me to talk me through the haze. Texts. Calls. 2 even came round to my house. I had not told them what I had been up to as I was ashamed. I was haunted by the memory of being strangled during the first major assault that got him arrested the first time. In fact that thought haunts me daily. I remember being scared but I do not remember pain. I was thinking how nice it would be if I could recreate that myself. Maybe with something nice and soft like my dressing gown belt. I reasoned I would probably just pass out and drift away. It's not that I wanted to die. Far from it. I just wanted it all to stop. I needed to get out somehow. And this was the only thing I could think of. My friends had no knowledge of what had been going on. But they all could see that something was drastically wrong. Every ounce of pain I had shielded myself from through the last couple of years with anger and defiance was now attacking me and I had no more defences left. I was exhausted from keeping up the charade of being fine. I curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor and cried.They asked me what had brought this on. And I told them things just went wrong too many times.

My army of well wishers carried me through.

The clarity came on a Sunday. I woke up feeling close to normal. I could breathe and I wasn't in pain. I think these last few weeks had to happen. The weird thing about a domestic violence break up is that it's all sort of taken out of your hands. There was the final incident, he was arrested, and then bail conditions were put in place so he wasn't allowed to contact me. It's obviously for your own safety but it's almost as if the police just come and say look right you've got to break up with him now and you don't get to discuss it or actually break up with him because we will do it for you. You my dear are fucked and can't make proper decisions so that's what's happening.

It is almost as if you are robbed of the actual break up. There's no "it's over" conversation. There's no closure. And you can mask it all you want with the anger and the moving on but it's still there like unfinished business.

I feel like this was pain I had to feel. It was a shock I had to deal with and I feel like I'm seeing things more clearly now. I'm still in love with him. But I know we can never ever be together again. And maybe that's OK to feel that way. I may never get over what happened. But I know I can survive it. And that feels empowering. It still doesn't feel quite dealt with. And maybe in a couple of years il go through the cycle again. I fucking hope not though, it's a royal pain in the arse.

The plan now is to concentrate on uni. That's my ticket out of this life. I have 3 books to read over the next month so I can lose myself in them.

I have also acquired a Christmas fuck buddy because, well, a girls got to eat. And straightforward sex with a straight forward guy is both calming and refreshing.

So yes, that's all for now. They say never look back, but I think we can all agree I never actually left in the first place. I feel like Iv taken a few steps away now. Actual steps not baby steps. It feels like I have shut the door myself now, rather than the police doing it if that makes sense.

Let's see what the next chapter of my mess of a life has in store hahaha xxx

In which I am betrayed and make a silly mistake...

It's been a while since my last blog and rather unfortunately my life has fallen spectacularly to pieces.

It's a rather disappointing turn of events especially as during the summer I was actually quite happy!

I won't go into too much of what's happened but the general jist is I was seeing a lad from work who we shall call shrimp for a few months who then cheated on me with another girl from work and I'm not one to knock body image in any way shape or form but if I tell you people call this girl "the yeti" then you get some idea of the situation.

Cue public humiliation on an epic scale. This wouldn't be half as bad if it didn't involve people I work with. And while everyone in work has made it clear they are disgusted with the yeti and the shrimp, it's still absolutely riled me.

I confronted him and he spent the whole evening coming out with all the usual shit "I'm sorry, I hate myself, it's just one mistake, I hate that Iv fucked this up bla bla bla there was even an "I love you" thrown in for good measure. Followed by threats of suicide. Spare me.

So having been sent on his merry way and told never to darken my doorway again He's now pretty much shacked up with yeti. After all that harping on to me with his I love yous. And her knowing he was with me.... I honestly can't work out which ones the bigger mug but anyway I digress from the point...

I was left to assess the situation. How am I feeling? Angry? Very. Betrayed, humiliated.. Absolutely. But heartbroken? No.

But then I realised

Actually I am heartbroken. But not about the yeti shrimp situation. It hit me full force that I am still 100percent completely in love with my ex. And completely totally still earth shatteringly heartbroken.

So what's a girl to do in this predicament? I made a monumental error dear readers. In a moment of madness caused by all the humiliation and betrayal and general rage..... I called him.

Yes

After 18months I called him.

And we are now in contact daily.

Fuck. My. Life.

So what did he say I hear you ask. Well this is where is gets hilarious. I rang my ex boyfriend out of the blue (hello from the other siiiiiiiide...and I slate Adele aswell) and said "I need to talk to you".

At first he was on the defensive as obviously you know.... Things ended with me having him criminally convicted and everything and he started asking if it was about the remaining court fine he had to pay or stuff to do with the police and I just said "no. I need to talk you. I don't want to go into detail but I need you to be at my beck and call 24/7 right now and for the foreseeable future until I feel better"

And do you know what he said?

He said ok.

Fuck. Really it would have been better if he'd have said no. Or not even answered at all. But he did. And he said he'd be there.

And now I'm back to where I was a year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Fuck four years ago.....

I suppose in a weird way the yeti shrimp saga has shown me that I was really in love with my ex and in a weird fucked up way that's nice to know. And now I need to deal with my heartbreak. We haven't spoken properly since we broke up 18months ago. There's so many things I want to say. But I can't. So I talk to him like nothing happened. And he tells me it's all going to be ok. 

I need to not shag him. 

There's a range of dudes asking me out and one even declaring undying love.... But they have all been placed on the back burner until I sort my shit out. Shrimp was the first person i felt anything for since my ex and he brutally betrayed me in front of everyone we work with. I live in a world where people fuck me over and think nothing of it. Therefore i have concluded it is better the devil you know.

I appreciate the ridiculousness of the current situation and clearly it is me that is the biggest mug but I feel a certain comfort from having him back in my life. Just don't shag him and it's all good.

The Recovery: One Year On

16th July.

Officially one year since the end of my relationship.

Iv been dreading this day. Past month or so iv been very conscious that it was fast approaching but now it's here....well it's been just another day really. In fact I sort of feel a lot better. All year I have been plagued by "this time last year...." thoughts. We had lots of happy times which I will cherish, and lots of bad times which I will not miss one bit. But right now I'm thinking "this time last year he was a complete and utter prick to me for the absolute last time and I did not let him get away with it.

Boss really isn't it!

Iv also been thinking today that if that wouldn't have happened, I probably wouldn't be going to uni in September. I would never have had the fight or flight response that ended up making me apply. 

I haven't used a single credit card in the last 12 months either. Iv only got myself and my son to support and no one bumming off me whilst being an ungrateful tit at the same time. If he needed stuff or asked for anything I'd have given him the world no questions asked. He used to just take though. Take without asking. Expect. And kick off if I complained. 

My son is also infinitely happier. I went to his parents evening tonight and I was so proud of all he's achieved this year. One sentence he had written made me well up. "Me and my mum make a great team". I will always know I did the right thing if only just for his sake. He's been my little superstar this year and I really don't know how I would have got through everything without him. And without my fabulous friends who remind me every single day that they are by my side.

Writing this blog this last year has been really therapeutic. I counted 17 different girls Iv met that ended their abusive relationships on the back of reading this. That's 17 people who's lives I have made a difference too. Some of them are now happy in new relationships, some of them are still single. But every last one of them is 100percent happier than this time last year. Myself included. There was a video on facebook the other day a young Irish girl who's boyfriend had given her a black eye and she'd dumped him. It went viral. Crying her eyes out she was. Exactly the same as I was last year. It reminded me of just how low I was in the beginning and made me so grateful for how far I have come

I spoke to him the other week. He's not paid half his fine so they are sending bailiffs round to get it so I said to him can't you just lend it off your mum or something because as hillarious as the thought of bailiffs breaking in and robbing his play station is, or him getting rearrested which is what would ultimately happen if the bailiffs couldn't get enough goods, realistically I would rather have the dollar.

Anyway he said he'd been having financial problems and he was going to pay as soon as he could and then he started saying he had found pictures of us and they had made him sad. Said he would never find anyone that compared to me. And that his sister was getting married and it upset him because he thought it would have been us....

And then he said something like "I have suffered every day since we split up, you made sure of that. I'm not angry at you though"

And it was at that point I got pissed off and thought for fucks sake! Where's me violin!

As if HEs the one that would be angry! Is he fuckin messin! He's been knocking girls about since the year dot, he hasn't got a pot to piss in, he's a 27 year old fucking BARMAN for christs sake and Iv got a horrible feeling he probably spends his days hungover/off his tits, waking up next to random girls he's shagged, working in some bar for minimum wage and probably riddled with the clap... Going absolutely fucking nowhere. In fact worse than nowhere... BACKWARDS!!. The life that lad could have had. I coached him through an interview for a banking job which he got offered about 2 weeks after we split up. He was getting driving lessons. What fucking moron would walk away from that to go and live in a shit hole and then sit there scratchin his head wondering why he "can't seem to catch a break" a year down the line?!!!! Il tell you why you can't catch a break.... Coz you've got no fucking common sense whatsoever and make some of THE worst decisions Iv ever seen in my life, REPEATEDLY. So I didn't make sure you suffered, you did! So if you're gonna be angry at anyone be angry at yourself, because I, sunshine am a fucking delight!

I actually despair as to what will become of him. He has a hole in his heart because he doesn't really care about anyone. And Iv got a really horrible feeling no one will ever really care about him. Except for his mum. And even she's not all that arsed from what I saw.

ANYWAY..... I digress.

Today's been sound. Not awful. Not amazing. Just a normal bog standard boring day. And tomorrow I can say this time last year was day 1. And would you just look at how far Iv come

Ps.... Do not pin a girl down, spit in her face, give her a black eye and then refuse to pay the fine! 

To shag or not to shag... Residual distress left over from the ex

Sooooooooo the opportunity for a naughty cheek fuck fest has presented itself. And dear readers I am in somewhat of a quandary.

Aside from drunken meaningless shagging (whereby confidence is obviously at an ill advised high) I have not had (sober) sex in almost a year.

Dear god

Now while I am starting to feel more and more like I should be getting back in the saddle there is one deep dark lurking dread sort of feeling that creeps in at the very thought.....

I'm pale and fat.

Ok so I'm not obese and St tropez dark can probably sort the skin tone but still....my body confidence is at an all time low and it doesn't matter how much I gym it or how fabulous my tits are I still hear my ex telling me how fat I am ringing in my ears. Sort of a residual left over gift. That keeps on giving. And you know what I'm not sure what the hell to do to ever get over that....

I'm not entirely sure if I ever will to be quite frank. And that thought pisses me the fuck off more than you could ever bloody imagine.

Truth be told I actually have 2 dead cert fuck fests there for the taking if only I could get past this phobia I see to have developed about sober naked no pants dancing. I have been making excuses to the first one fora couple of months now. Which is a shame because he is brutally hot with a bloody nice car which are both high on my tick sheet.

I think it's because I'm not sure I can really be arsed with flings right now. Iv sort of decided that unless I'm swept right off my feet I'd prefer to stick to box sets and my selection of rabbits.

Maybe I'm just not ready full stop.

Iv come so far this last 12months. I feel like iv taken all the right steps and made all the right changes and I'm now on the right road. Suppose this is just one last step il have to take. It just makes me so angry that horrible twat can still affect my life even when he's, to all intents and purposes, dead.

Il sleep on it. So far the box sets are a nose in front but it's nice to know a girl has options 

✌🏻

April ❤️

Well hasn't it been a while!

Thought I might partake in a little blogging action this evening to update anyone who's arsed on my life.

The most important news I have to share is that I have been accepted onto the Liverpool University Go Higher course to study in September with a view to smashing the shit out of it and going on to do a degree next year. I am over the moon! To think how my life has changed so much since last year is unbelievable and I reckon had it not been for the previous shitty events I probably would not be starting down this new path. And if you start on the right path you usually end up in the right place!

At the moment I am pretty sure I will be reading History, mainly because it absolutely fascinates me. After that I am considering a law conversion, or maybe teaching, or maybe entering into the graduate scheme the police have, or maybe do something totally different that I haven't even thought of yet! I just feel so happy and positive and like the world is my oyster!! I am fortunate enough to have a fairly decent job already so this degree will mainly be for pleasure and self achievement. It won't be the end of the world if it doesn't result in a career change as I have a decent one as it is but the possibility of change is exciting the tits off me! I get the opportunity to study abroad for a few months, il be furthering my education, broadening my horizons and meeting lots of new people including a shed load of inexperienced young men just waiting for me to give them an education myself 😂😂😂

I can't wait to start buying all my new stationary! Remember going back to school in September thinking you where the dogs bollocks because you had a paper chase binder and an oil illy pencil case? No? Just me then. Brand new plazzy wallets fill me with utter joy though I'm not gonna lie.

Boy news is not even worth writing about, few bits and bobs here and there but as yet my future husband hasn't shown his face and to be honest I'm not bothered I'm too busy being excited for my new life that I'm kicking!!

Iv had some faaaaaabulous nights out I had my mates hen party the other week (rolled home at 4am covered in confetti eating a spring roll 👍🏻), attended the dezo Sunday brunch on Easter Sunday which was BOSS dug the old fabulous Karen Millen out with the kurt geigers and was utterly Devine all day! Trying to stay off the ale for a bit now though as somehow iv been plastered for pretty much the last 2 months In spite of the fact I am supposed to be doing my body is a temple. Well it can be a temple from Monday iv got chocolate to eat right now!

So yeah life's a fucking delight right now and I hope yours is too!

Peace out x x x x

Leave your ex in the past

I, like many of my fellow human beings have a very dibillitating disorder which tends to strike after a large consumption of alcohol and that is the inexplicable urge to contact my ex, even if that ex has been pretty much the sole cause of all my pain and suffering over the course of the last couple of years.

It happened just before Christmas. I had been heavily drinking with friends after visiting the warhol exhibition. So much so, that at 8am I found myself still up nursing a vodka and diet coke and filled with the kind of mental anguish that only a heavy night can bring.

I decided the best course of action would be to email my ex and say "arghhhhhhhhh" it shouldn't be like this and to my surprise he replied

At first he was rather mean saying basically everything was all my fault and that I had been loving life while he had been suffering and living on people's sofas and so we had a bit of an argument but after that he sort of opened up a bit and we agreed to stay in touch.

I didn't hear anything for a few days which I assumed was because he was out shagging an afghan hound or something and had no access to Internet but he did message Boxing Day to say he'd been upset all over Xmas thinking of what might have been and then again on New Year's Day to wish me happy new year with an "ily" on the end which I am reliably informed by a teenager means "I love you"

Meanwhile I have started watching the series "girls" on sky box sets and in it there is this couple called Adam and Hannah and their relationship is a mirror of ours. He is a bit of a sociopath and quirky and unpredictable and she is slightly neurotic and talks too much but somehow their relationship is deep love and watching them really really made me miss my ex (aside from the violence and the general meanness)

So I emailed him in the middle of the night

I got a reply and we talked for a bit and then he said something like "you're such a stalker you would never let anyone leave your life" which pissed me off so I said "fuck you" to which he replied "yeah I already have many times and it was filthy and fun"

And all of a sudden his cocky arrogance that pisses off everyone else on the planet yet I used to find so intoxicating was now just pissing me off too.

There is no remorse there, there is no compassion, and as far as I can see the only sadness and unhappiness he is feeling is because of his living situation and nothing to do with me whatsoever. Was I becoming his shoulder to cry on?! Entering into some sort of friend situation? The very thought made me feel sick.

So u emailed him last night and said listen Iv been thinking and I don't think we should keep in touch. We have never been friends and we never will be. I said some other stuff too but that was the jist.

And he hasn't replied. And do you know what Iv realised that I am feeling relief that he hasn't replied. You know when you send a risky text and you chuck your phone away and then you shit yourself every time it goes in case it's a shitty reply? Well that's how it's been. The easiest way would be for him to not reply. The second easiest would be to reply being a cunt because that also makes it easier to break away. The worst possible outcome would be an emotional breakdown but I am confident that won't happen as up to now I have seen zero evidence of remorse or taking responsibility so I think I'm out of the woods. And whereas once upon a time that would make me feel depressed and lost, now it turns that actually I DO genuinely want him out of my life and in not just telling myself that. My heart, it would appear, is now finally singing from the same hymn sheet as my head.

Excellent, the shittiest break up of my life has finally subsided and what a glorious time to do so. My part time hours start next week, Iv applied for access courses to go to uni and I feel excited for the future for the first time in years. 

Winner

Xxx

Christmas Blog!

Good evening campers! You will notice there has been a distinct lack of blogging action recently for which I would like to offer my deepest apologies. My blogging output tends to be in direct proportion to my depression levels and for the last few months I have mainly felt pretty fucking decent!!!

So as you are probably all aware the ex was sentenced to 140 hours community service, a 400 quid fine, 12mths probation and of course told in no uncertain terms to never darken my (owned not rented) doorway ever again! He was deported back down south and I could finally move on with my life!!!

I have to say once I had got through the shitty heartbreak part, Iv actually had a pretty good fucking time! Iv been to Dublin with friends, Paris for my birthday, concerts, parties, a SMALL sprinkling of casual sex just to keep the loins pumping and the main part of all is I realised I'm still FUCKING FABULOUS!

Believe me realising that was no easy task having been under the impression im a nothing for the past year. But realise it I did, and now it takes a LOT to wipe the smile off my face. In fact it's pretty much a hangover that's the only thing that will truly do it!!

Iv been setting myself small goals each month, just stupid stuff like get a new hair cut or redecorate a room and I swear to god that's helped me no end. When I look back over the last few months and see how far Iv come im not ashamed to admit that I'm pretty fucking proud of myself!!

Also a massive huge boost to me is the amount of people who have contacted mean out their own experiences. Iv actively helped 4 different chicks escape their abusive relationships and Iv also found deep long lasting friendships with many more. Almost shedding a proud tear here!

So yeah, everything's fucking awesome! Iv got an amazing support network of friends and family and I am so grateful to have as much love as I do! So no "new year new me" shouts from me kids, I'm staying exactly the bloody same!!! Xxxx