I, like many of my fellow human beings have a very dibillitating disorder which tends to strike after a large consumption of alcohol and that is the inexplicable urge to contact my ex, even if that ex has been pretty much the sole cause of all my pain and suffering over the course of the last couple of years.
It happened just before Christmas. I had been heavily drinking with friends after visiting the warhol exhibition. So much so, that at 8am I found myself still up nursing a vodka and diet coke and filled with the kind of mental anguish that only a heavy night can bring.
I decided the best course of action would be to email my ex and say "arghhhhhhhhh" it shouldn't be like this and to my surprise he replied
At first he was rather mean saying basically everything was all my fault and that I had been loving life while he had been suffering and living on people's sofas and so we had a bit of an argument but after that he sort of opened up a bit and we agreed to stay in touch.
I didn't hear anything for a few days which I assumed was because he was out shagging an afghan hound or something and had no access to Internet but he did message Boxing Day to say he'd been upset all over Xmas thinking of what might have been and then again on New Year's Day to wish me happy new year with an "ily" on the end which I am reliably informed by a teenager means "I love you"
Meanwhile I have started watching the series "girls" on sky box sets and in it there is this couple called Adam and Hannah and their relationship is a mirror of ours. He is a bit of a sociopath and quirky and unpredictable and she is slightly neurotic and talks too much but somehow their relationship is deep love and watching them really really made me miss my ex (aside from the violence and the general meanness)
So I emailed him in the middle of the night
I got a reply and we talked for a bit and then he said something like "you're such a stalker you would never let anyone leave your life" which pissed me off so I said "fuck you" to which he replied "yeah I already have many times and it was filthy and fun"
And all of a sudden his cocky arrogance that pisses off everyone else on the planet yet I used to find so intoxicating was now just pissing me off too.
There is no remorse there, there is no compassion, and as far as I can see the only sadness and unhappiness he is feeling is because of his living situation and nothing to do with me whatsoever. Was I becoming his shoulder to cry on?! Entering into some sort of friend situation? The very thought made me feel sick.
So u emailed him last night and said listen Iv been thinking and I don't think we should keep in touch. We have never been friends and we never will be. I said some other stuff too but that was the jist.
And he hasn't replied. And do you know what Iv realised that I am feeling relief that he hasn't replied. You know when you send a risky text and you chuck your phone away and then you shit yourself every time it goes in case it's a shitty reply? Well that's how it's been. The easiest way would be for him to not reply. The second easiest would be to reply being a cunt because that also makes it easier to break away. The worst possible outcome would be an emotional breakdown but I am confident that won't happen as up to now I have seen zero evidence of remorse or taking responsibility so I think I'm out of the woods. And whereas once upon a time that would make me feel depressed and lost, now it turns that actually I DO genuinely want him out of my life and in not just telling myself that. My heart, it would appear, is now finally singing from the same hymn sheet as my head.
Excellent, the shittiest break up of my life has finally subsided and what a glorious time to do so. My part time hours start next week, Iv applied for access courses to go to uni and I feel excited for the future for the first time in years.
Winner
Xxx
