The law off attraction goes tits up

I am a firm believer in the law of attraction and if you focus on something hard enough it manifests itself. Iv found this to be most effective when I am at my most emotional, like the universe is more in tune with my signals or some shit.

Christmas was great, quiet but great, saw the family and ate myself into oblivion. The news was dominated by the terrible floods that have been going on and I found myself feeling deeply sorry for everyone involved and wondering what it would be like if we got flooded. Toyed with the idea of buying a dinghy just in case I had to sail to the shops or something.

I came home from my mums yesterday and started my new year sort out. Blitzed the baby's room and made space for all his new toys. Then today I went in and discovered that his radiator had got a hole in it and his floor was an inch deep with water.

I manifested myself a fucking flood.

Can you believe this shit? I actually laughed at the irony. So I phoned my dad who was away at a family gathering I hadn't been invited to (another story), phoned the baby's dad who was out meeting fucking Everton players. I phoned my home emergency cover people who were very sympathetic and said they would send someone out FUCKING TOMORROW. Phoned my plumber who informed me he wasn't working today and even if I could get a plumber out it would cost a fortune as it's Christmas. And then I phoned united utilities who wouldn't even answer the phone as they are busy with the FUCKING FLOODS.

Then I cried 

Then I text my ex boyfriend. 

He called me. And It felt so fucking good to hear his voice at this time of despair. He made me laugh. And then He spoke about new stuff he has in his life that I didn't know about which felt like a dagger to the heart. I miss him every day. I KNOW I need to shut this down and I'm wondering if my heightened emotional state is actually being caused by him rather than eased. Just like a pill. Instead of making me better you are making me ill. Seriously it's like being an addict. You know it's bad but the slightest knock and you are right back on the bad stuff craving another hit.

I KNOW ITS RIDICULOUS YOU DONT HAVE TO TELL ME THIS

I just really am fucking in love with the prick and I'm not sure I will ever not be in love with him.

Anyway back to the flood

I can't turn the water off because I have no stop cock in my house. I found what I thought was the stop cock but it turns out I had in fact turned off the gas which explains why it didn't stop the water. Buy your own house they said! Itl be great they said! Fuck this shit I'm selling up and renting. You know I just don't feel like enough of a grown up to deal with this. Life requires skills I simply do not have.

I have plugged the hole with some stuff and have stuck a load of industrial tape over the whole thing which has reduced the gushing to a small droplet situation. I have resigned myself to the fact I am going to be up all night monitoring the situation until the "EMERGENCY" plumber comes tomorrow. Also my heating is making a weird noise which I think may be because I turned the gas off. Ah yes, I just checked and the pilot light was out. Which it would be. As I turned off the fucking gas. MORON!!!

Seriously why me?!!! And why am I such a fucking moron?!!

Apparently I can turn the water off at the mains but Iv looked at it and it needs some sort of tool which I don't have because I'm a girl.

I am fully damsel in distress right now. When sinead Oconnor was having that melt down the other week, that's how I feel right now! Fully mental! Life needs to back off!!!

When this mini drama is over I am going to sort my shit out.

The ex has got to go. I thought I could repurpose him into some sort of I don't know friend situation but no, it's too hard and I just want to rip his clothes off and fuck the living day lights out of him. Bad man equals best sex of my life. What a shitter. You can not be friends with someone you have been in love with. Or still are in love with. 

I realised I think he's the only person Iv ever loved. I think he's my mr big. Why's my mr big got to be such a big prick. Sort your shit out immediately!!

Christmas fuck buddy has been Christmas fucked off too. I had a series of 4 middle of the night phone calls like 5 nights in a row over Xmas. And 2 texts saying "I love you".

No

I am cultivating someone brand spanking new. Well he was on the back burner last summer but now Iv brought him back to the boil. This one has potential. He's a proper actual grown up man with his own company and a hot body and a vroomy car. And who's idea of a date involves cocktails and mood lighting. I deserve mood fucking lighting!!!!!! The last date I went on involved bowling and a Maccies on the way home. I mean seriously, what the fuck is that?

New Years resolution. Sort my shit out. No more "going nowhere" guys. I need rescuing here, not yet another anchor around my neck. The next one will need to be university educated with a higher tax bracket salary and own abode and means of transportation. I am not taking in any more strays.

Right, that's it from flood watch. Soggy and not in the good way. I'm going to try and use the law of attraction to attract some decent shit into my life. It clearly fucking works

Merry Christmas ya filthy animals 

Xxx

Down the rabbit hole

The plan was simple. Don't. Shag. Him.

What could possibly go wrong...

We were in contact daily. Every single day I'd get a text without fail. We'd chat, about nothing in particular. Vague suggestions about maybe meeting up were thrown about by him and valiantly avoided by me. I was being strong.

I was also however crying every day. Depression had slowly clawed its way back around me and now I was trapped underneath the cloud. I had felt it creeping on for a month and then one day I woke up and realised I was crippled. After 18months of building myself back up I was back on the floor. As much as I tried to fight it the force was far too great and here I was again. And as if by magic the universe aligned which meant we would be in the exact same place at the exact same time.

I arrived at rock bottom on a Tuesday. A familiar territory, having spent a lot of time here last year, but this time it was different. More intense. I felt like I was drunk most of the time and to make matters worse I didn't have the luxury of being able to wallow and stagnate as I had Christmas shopping to do. numerous uni deadlines to hit and work to go to. I typed up my last assignment crying with every word. 2000 sobbed words. It will be interesting to see the marks I get for this module as it was completed during a total breakdown. I get mitigating circumstances as I have a letter from my doctor but i weirdly wanted to complete the module with no help. Was being a bit of a bellend in that respect really but anyway it's done now and what will be will be.

I was weak. It was like a magnet pulling me in. I was intoxicated by the taste of his skin. His scent, his touch. It was as if no time had gone by at all. I was powerless. It was agony. It was ecstasy.

This man broke my heart. This man broke my soul. I was tortured by the memories. I have concluded the main problem here is that I know this man is probably the only man on earth who truly knows me. He understands my chaotic mind as I understand his. It's not common knowledge but we are both ADHD, although his a lot more severe than mine. 2 troubled souls with limited control. He knows every inch of my body and know every inch of his. Every freckle, every muscle, every single bit. It felt safe. It felt dangerous. It felt wrong. It felt perfect. The intensity of it all was a force greater than I could fight. I fell down the rabbit hole.

The Tuesday breakdown began in a shambles. My thoughts were racing  and I couldn't control them- I craved peace. I had thought of nothing but Him 24/7 for weeks. In fact if I am truly honest with myself, there hasn't been a day that's gone by in years that I haven't thought of him. But he was ALL I thought about now. And I was in what was now unbearable pain. Exquisite pain. But pain none the less. My friends must have noticed my irratic mood and i presume a few frantic phonecalls were made because no less than 17 of them contacted me to talk me through the haze. Texts. Calls. 2 even came round to my house. I had not told them what I had been up to as I was ashamed. I was haunted by the memory of being strangled during the first major assault that got him arrested the first time. In fact that thought haunts me daily. I remember being scared but I do not remember pain. I was thinking how nice it would be if I could recreate that myself. Maybe with something nice and soft like my dressing gown belt. I reasoned I would probably just pass out and drift away. It's not that I wanted to die. Far from it. I just wanted it all to stop. I needed to get out somehow. And this was the only thing I could think of. My friends had no knowledge of what had been going on. But they all could see that something was drastically wrong. Every ounce of pain I had shielded myself from through the last couple of years with anger and defiance was now attacking me and I had no more defences left. I was exhausted from keeping up the charade of being fine. I curled up in a ball on the kitchen floor and cried.They asked me what had brought this on. And I told them things just went wrong too many times.

My army of well wishers carried me through.

The clarity came on a Sunday. I woke up feeling close to normal. I could breathe and I wasn't in pain. I think these last few weeks had to happen. The weird thing about a domestic violence break up is that it's all sort of taken out of your hands. There was the final incident, he was arrested, and then bail conditions were put in place so he wasn't allowed to contact me. It's obviously for your own safety but it's almost as if the police just come and say look right you've got to break up with him now and you don't get to discuss it or actually break up with him because we will do it for you. You my dear are fucked and can't make proper decisions so that's what's happening.

It is almost as if you are robbed of the actual break up. There's no "it's over" conversation. There's no closure. And you can mask it all you want with the anger and the moving on but it's still there like unfinished business.

I feel like this was pain I had to feel. It was a shock I had to deal with and I feel like I'm seeing things more clearly now. I'm still in love with him. But I know we can never ever be together again. And maybe that's OK to feel that way. I may never get over what happened. But I know I can survive it. And that feels empowering. It still doesn't feel quite dealt with. And maybe in a couple of years il go through the cycle again. I fucking hope not though, it's a royal pain in the arse.

The plan now is to concentrate on uni. That's my ticket out of this life. I have 3 books to read over the next month so I can lose myself in them.

I have also acquired a Christmas fuck buddy because, well, a girls got to eat. And straightforward sex with a straight forward guy is both calming and refreshing.

So yes, that's all for now. They say never look back, but I think we can all agree I never actually left in the first place. I feel like Iv taken a few steps away now. Actual steps not baby steps. It feels like I have shut the door myself now, rather than the police doing it if that makes sense.

Let's see what the next chapter of my mess of a life has in store hahaha xxx

In which I am betrayed and make a silly mistake...

It's been a while since my last blog and rather unfortunately my life has fallen spectacularly to pieces.

It's a rather disappointing turn of events especially as during the summer I was actually quite happy!

I won't go into too much of what's happened but the general jist is I was seeing a lad from work who we shall call shrimp for a few months who then cheated on me with another girl from work and I'm not one to knock body image in any way shape or form but if I tell you people call this girl "the yeti" then you get some idea of the situation.

Cue public humiliation on an epic scale. This wouldn't be half as bad if it didn't involve people I work with. And while everyone in work has made it clear they are disgusted with the yeti and the shrimp, it's still absolutely riled me.

I confronted him and he spent the whole evening coming out with all the usual shit "I'm sorry, I hate myself, it's just one mistake, I hate that Iv fucked this up bla bla bla there was even an "I love you" thrown in for good measure. Followed by threats of suicide. Spare me.

So having been sent on his merry way and told never to darken my doorway again He's now pretty much shacked up with yeti. After all that harping on to me with his I love yous. And her knowing he was with me.... I honestly can't work out which ones the bigger mug but anyway I digress from the point...

I was left to assess the situation. How am I feeling? Angry? Very. Betrayed, humiliated.. Absolutely. But heartbroken? No.

But then I realised

Actually I am heartbroken. But not about the yeti shrimp situation. It hit me full force that I am still 100percent completely in love with my ex. And completely totally still earth shatteringly heartbroken.

So what's a girl to do in this predicament? I made a monumental error dear readers. In a moment of madness caused by all the humiliation and betrayal and general rage..... I called him.

Yes

After 18months I called him.

And we are now in contact daily.

Fuck. My. Life.

So what did he say I hear you ask. Well this is where is gets hilarious. I rang my ex boyfriend out of the blue (hello from the other siiiiiiiide...and I slate Adele aswell) and said "I need to talk to you".

At first he was on the defensive as obviously you know.... Things ended with me having him criminally convicted and everything and he started asking if it was about the remaining court fine he had to pay or stuff to do with the police and I just said "no. I need to talk you. I don't want to go into detail but I need you to be at my beck and call 24/7 right now and for the foreseeable future until I feel better"

And do you know what he said?

He said ok.

Fuck. Really it would have been better if he'd have said no. Or not even answered at all. But he did. And he said he'd be there.

And now I'm back to where I was a year ago. Two years ago. Three years ago. Fuck four years ago.....

I suppose in a weird way the yeti shrimp saga has shown me that I was really in love with my ex and in a weird fucked up way that's nice to know. And now I need to deal with my heartbreak. We haven't spoken properly since we broke up 18months ago. There's so many things I want to say. But I can't. So I talk to him like nothing happened. And he tells me it's all going to be ok. 

I need to not shag him. 

There's a range of dudes asking me out and one even declaring undying love.... But they have all been placed on the back burner until I sort my shit out. Shrimp was the first person i felt anything for since my ex and he brutally betrayed me in front of everyone we work with. I live in a world where people fuck me over and think nothing of it. Therefore i have concluded it is better the devil you know.

I appreciate the ridiculousness of the current situation and clearly it is me that is the biggest mug but I feel a certain comfort from having him back in my life. Just don't shag him and it's all good.