Why, the FUCK, do exes that have repeatedly fucked you over in every way possible, just continue to live and breathe as if that's perfectly acceptable.
They should all be put on a boat, banished to the island of lost men, and then blown up.
This morning, I woke up to a facebook notification off some slag he shagged right at the beginning of our relationship.
Is
She
Fuckin
MESSING
Do you know what this tells me? This tells me this absolute fucking gobshite is messaging every girl he's ever fucked in the hope of getting validation and making himself feel better and probably telling all and sundry I am a crank or whatever. And then one of said skanks decides to type my name into that search bar an fucking FACEBOOK ME
Fewwwwwwwwmin
I can't express the lividness that poured out of me at 8am this morning. Messaged him, asked him if he was messin. Blocked her, she's defo not messin. And then sobbed.
And screamed a bit
And then had overwhelming urge to just sort of peel my face off and rip it up.
My marbles, that had started to leak out slowly and steadily 2 weeks ago, where now haemorraging everywhere all over the floor and I was skidding on them like bambi on Ice.
Rang work, told them I had gone mad. They were very supportive actually. This is the repayment for being an excellent worker for 10years I can't thank them enough. And then I went to the doctors for a sick note. Explained through my hysterical tears that I was mental and that I didn't feel like my anti depressants where working and they told me that apparently they take about 2-3 weeks to work and I will feel worse during that period before I would feel better.
Are they fucking messin an all???? Give a person who's teetering on the edge of sanity pills that will make them worse?!!! I had 2 choices. Take the peeler to my face, or just go home and retreat until these god damn pills start to lift my mood.
Had numerous irrational thoughts over the past few days including buying a dog, moving back in with my mother, becoming a vegan, and peeling off my face. I have also decided booked an appointment to go and see a psychic which is almost laughable however if I pay some woman called willow 35quid to tell me I'm going to be happy and I believe it then as far as I'm concerned it's money well spent.
Feel like I'm drowning in this horrific situation and am scared he is going to plead not guilty and put me through a trial. I'm scared of what happens when it is all over and I have nothing to stress about other than the sad realisation that I am alone.
In general, I'm a fucking miserable bastard and I don't see any sign whatsoever of that ever changing.
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Tuesday, 29 July 2014
Monday, 28 July 2014
But he didn't hit me.....
The first time there was anything to raise a red flag about was about July last year. We had been drinking and arguing about something and nothing and he grabbed me by my throat and screamed in my face. I put it down to a drunken barney. Everyone does things they don't mean when they are drunk right?
A few weeks later I was down in London visiting him. We had 4 very story over proof cocktails in camden where he was working and then we got the tube home. During the tube ride we started arguing about my relationship with one of our mutual friends in the past and when we got off the tube he slammed me against the barrier wall cracking my face against the metal.
A passerby stopped to ask if I was ok and through my tears I said I was and ran away.
I ran down the stairs towards his flat and he ran after me, throwing his phone that was on my contract and smashing it to smithereens.
I was trying to get to the flat to get my stuff. He stopped me, told me to calm down and I was acting crazy. We got in, went upstairs to his room where I began to pack my things. The details of what happened next are hazy but I was pushed to the floor, called a slag, a whore, he spat in my face. He slammed me so hard against the bed that the frame broke. He took my belongings and through them out of the house and then came back up for me. He grabbed me by my leg and my hair and dragged me halfway down the stairs and then stopped and put his hands around my throat so tightly that I couldn't breathe or scream. While he was doing that I had enough time to think to myself who will find me when I am dead. Who will look for me, who will notice I am missing. He went to the kitchen and got a knife and threatened to stab me if I left. I ran to my car and he got in beside me and told me he would call the police and report me for drink driving if I left. He cried, he apologised, he begged me to stay. I was alone in London with no where to go. So I stayed.
He cried all the next day and apologised but said he never hit me
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A few weeks later I was down in London visiting him. We had 4 very story over proof cocktails in camden where he was working and then we got the tube home. During the tube ride we started arguing about my relationship with one of our mutual friends in the past and when we got off the tube he slammed me against the barrier wall cracking my face against the metal.
A passerby stopped to ask if I was ok and through my tears I said I was and ran away.
I ran down the stairs towards his flat and he ran after me, throwing his phone that was on my contract and smashing it to smithereens.
I was trying to get to the flat to get my stuff. He stopped me, told me to calm down and I was acting crazy. We got in, went upstairs to his room where I began to pack my things. The details of what happened next are hazy but I was pushed to the floor, called a slag, a whore, he spat in my face. He slammed me so hard against the bed that the frame broke. He took my belongings and through them out of the house and then came back up for me. He grabbed me by my leg and my hair and dragged me halfway down the stairs and then stopped and put his hands around my throat so tightly that I couldn't breathe or scream. While he was doing that I had enough time to think to myself who will find me when I am dead. Who will look for me, who will notice I am missing. He went to the kitchen and got a knife and threatened to stab me if I left. I ran to my car and he got in beside me and told me he would call the police and report me for drink driving if I left. He cried, he apologised, he begged me to stay. I was alone in London with no where to go. So I stayed.
He cried all the next day and apologised but said he never hit me
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Sunday, 27 July 2014
Epiphany!
Totally had a moment of clarity this evening from one of my fucking fabulous followers. Had a lot of messages from girls who've been through abusive relationships which makes me feel like I'm not alone but this little gorgeous genius said to me something along the lines of I'm feeling like shit and missing him because he still has control over me.
It was all about fucking CONTROL
Over ME!
I'm overjoyed and livid with myself at the same time. As IF I'm sat here crying my eyes out over some guy that basically was trying to control me and coz he couldn't he felt the need to belittle me in the only way that would defo work...physically.
He was working in Jennys bar in town I can say that now he's been sacked but anyway he was on shit money and so I was paying for everything and he was living in my house and I got him everything he had. Like bank account and phone contract and even took him the dentist to get his teeth fixed as he'd had his front 2 broken in a barney years ago.
He wouldn't even have fucking teeth if it wasn't for me. And the cheeky twat had the cheek to sit there and say HE felt controlled. He's out of fucking control that one.
I feel so much better this evening but I'm not sure if that's just the Valium but sweet lord above we have had a moment of clarity. Control. Yeah well control me now dipshit and watch what happens x
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It was all about fucking CONTROL
Over ME!
I'm overjoyed and livid with myself at the same time. As IF I'm sat here crying my eyes out over some guy that basically was trying to control me and coz he couldn't he felt the need to belittle me in the only way that would defo work...physically.
He was working in Jennys bar in town I can say that now he's been sacked but anyway he was on shit money and so I was paying for everything and he was living in my house and I got him everything he had. Like bank account and phone contract and even took him the dentist to get his teeth fixed as he'd had his front 2 broken in a barney years ago.
He wouldn't even have fucking teeth if it wasn't for me. And the cheeky twat had the cheek to sit there and say HE felt controlled. He's out of fucking control that one.
I feel so much better this evening but I'm not sure if that's just the Valium but sweet lord above we have had a moment of clarity. Control. Yeah well control me now dipshit and watch what happens x
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Meltdown
Sunday
So I went out on Friday night, downed 3 bottles of wine and didn't get to bed until 6am. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
Spent yesterday suicidal. Spoke to his mum to ask why she deleted me and she said it was coz she didn't want him asking things about me and so by deleting me if she didn't know things she couldn't tell him. Tell him fucking what? That I'm a mess. He already knows.
He lost his job at the cocktail bar. Presumably because of this. Filled with guilt about that. And apparently he's moving into a flat tomorrow. Feel lost and out of control that I don't know where he is living or working. Thought he might have gone back down to London but it sounds like he's got another job up here and he is staying. Had a quick look on his fb on my mates profile because she's still friends with him and there are a lot of statuses about being in terrible pain and emptiness so it seems he's just as fucked as me.
For those who read my previous blogs the dude in question is Andy. Remember Andy? Yes well he ended up moving up here to be with me and all was great apart from a couple of occasions where he assaulted me.
I got in my car still in my pyjamas and came to my mums where I sobbed continuously for 3 hours with her rubbing my back. Have been trying to hide all this from her but simply couldn't do it any longer. I'm still here.
Dreading work tomorrow. I have a choice I can either go get signed off with depression or attempt to soldier on but right now the thought of leaving the safety of my mums fills me with dread.
Tried to go on that tinder to see if I could find any nice boys but seem to have just been bombarded with messages from all sorts of probably very nice boys but just I'm not interested at all. Very worrying state of mental ness at the moment. Can't seem to rouse myself into action or see any sort of future for myself.
Sent one message to this lad that used to stalk me yesterday when I was pissed in the morning and he bombarded me with texts all day. I only sent hello. He's got a bird tho which is why I never bothered with him last year and it would appear he's still got one
Idea that men are all gobshites reinforced right there.
Fucked up
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So I went out on Friday night, downed 3 bottles of wine and didn't get to bed until 6am. Worst. Mistake. Ever.
Spent yesterday suicidal. Spoke to his mum to ask why she deleted me and she said it was coz she didn't want him asking things about me and so by deleting me if she didn't know things she couldn't tell him. Tell him fucking what? That I'm a mess. He already knows.
He lost his job at the cocktail bar. Presumably because of this. Filled with guilt about that. And apparently he's moving into a flat tomorrow. Feel lost and out of control that I don't know where he is living or working. Thought he might have gone back down to London but it sounds like he's got another job up here and he is staying. Had a quick look on his fb on my mates profile because she's still friends with him and there are a lot of statuses about being in terrible pain and emptiness so it seems he's just as fucked as me.
For those who read my previous blogs the dude in question is Andy. Remember Andy? Yes well he ended up moving up here to be with me and all was great apart from a couple of occasions where he assaulted me.
I got in my car still in my pyjamas and came to my mums where I sobbed continuously for 3 hours with her rubbing my back. Have been trying to hide all this from her but simply couldn't do it any longer. I'm still here.
Dreading work tomorrow. I have a choice I can either go get signed off with depression or attempt to soldier on but right now the thought of leaving the safety of my mums fills me with dread.
Tried to go on that tinder to see if I could find any nice boys but seem to have just been bombarded with messages from all sorts of probably very nice boys but just I'm not interested at all. Very worrying state of mental ness at the moment. Can't seem to rouse myself into action or see any sort of future for myself.
Sent one message to this lad that used to stalk me yesterday when I was pissed in the morning and he bombarded me with texts all day. I only sent hello. He's got a bird tho which is why I never bothered with him last year and it would appear he's still got one
Idea that men are all gobshites reinforced right there.
Fucked up
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Friday, 25 July 2014
Deteriorating!!!!!
Friday 25th
Ciggies shit loads
Food intake 12 cocktail sausages
Drugs 1 x anti d
I'm starting to piss myself off now. Had big plans to take my son out for the day but he point blank refused to leave the house preferring to sit in on his iPad. On reflection that seems to have been a good shout from the 7 year old because those fucking giants looked like the gatekeepers of hell and in general it's been far too hot to move.
I woke up alright to be fair, no punched in the stomach feeling of despair or anything but by about 10.30 that had gone and I took to my bed with little dramatic tears falling silently down my cheeks like you see on adverts.
Then, during my weakest moment I did the stupidest thing I could possibly have done and sent him a message on facebook. Told him I missed him and that he needed to get help for his issues.
Someone just punch me in the face
He's read it but he didn't reply of course, he can't because of his bail conditions. Either that or he's shagged his way around the business district bars by now. Hate thinking of him banging about.
This is the thing about abusive relationships. Well mine anyway. For the most part they are happy loving and fun. Be different if I actively hated him and was joyful that it's over but even after everything I still love him. And i know it must be over and it fucking is just the biggest shitter ever.
I'm just getting ready to go to Gateacre and have a dinner and beer garden situation with one of my bezzies. I say dinner, I can't keep any food down so I will probably push something around my plate and then down shit loads of wine.
This is what scares me the most. I'm single, almost 30 and skint and also fairly significantly fucked up. No one is going to want me now apart from weirdos. Fuck it I'm getting a vodka now while I get ready.
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Ciggies shit loads
Food intake 12 cocktail sausages
Drugs 1 x anti d
I'm starting to piss myself off now. Had big plans to take my son out for the day but he point blank refused to leave the house preferring to sit in on his iPad. On reflection that seems to have been a good shout from the 7 year old because those fucking giants looked like the gatekeepers of hell and in general it's been far too hot to move.
I woke up alright to be fair, no punched in the stomach feeling of despair or anything but by about 10.30 that had gone and I took to my bed with little dramatic tears falling silently down my cheeks like you see on adverts.
Then, during my weakest moment I did the stupidest thing I could possibly have done and sent him a message on facebook. Told him I missed him and that he needed to get help for his issues.
Someone just punch me in the face
He's read it but he didn't reply of course, he can't because of his bail conditions. Either that or he's shagged his way around the business district bars by now. Hate thinking of him banging about.
This is the thing about abusive relationships. Well mine anyway. For the most part they are happy loving and fun. Be different if I actively hated him and was joyful that it's over but even after everything I still love him. And i know it must be over and it fucking is just the biggest shitter ever.
I'm just getting ready to go to Gateacre and have a dinner and beer garden situation with one of my bezzies. I say dinner, I can't keep any food down so I will probably push something around my plate and then down shit loads of wine.
This is what scares me the most. I'm single, almost 30 and skint and also fairly significantly fucked up. No one is going to want me now apart from weirdos. Fuck it I'm getting a vodka now while I get ready.
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Thursday, 24 July 2014
Drowning
Thursday 24th July
Ciggies - 15
Drugs anti d and Valium
Food intake 1x muesli 1x ice cream 5x grapes 2x bottles of sprite
Swerved work again today. Reckon I need a few days to regroup. Woke up this morning feeling very sad. I hate waking up alone. I spent the majority of my 20s single. It was fun flitting about off on holiday all the time and having boy fun but looking back it appears it was basically
Full of twats messing me around. The big 30 is winking at me menacingly now.
I'm ready to settle down now
With a nice normal grown up man with a proper job and a bank account and intelligence. Where the fuck is he?! My ex told me id never get anyone else. He said id find people that want to fuck me and that's it. Think he might be right.
My exs mum has deleted me off facebook. That hurt. She had always been supportive of me in the past as he had threatened her before and also attacked his sister. She hasn't been supportive this time. I think he must have spoken to her before I had a chance to. God knows what he's telling people. I put photos up of me out on Saturday night and my black eye was clearly visible. People then obviously started commenting and I'm wondering if she saw the comments and couldn't take it. Who knows anyway but I feel like he's making out it's my fault.
Decided to leave the house so went down to otterspool. Fucking 30p extra for a flake in my 99er!! Sat by the river and started to hear Ella Henderson "ghost" in my head. Concluded I was a sad act and returned home to the sofa. Resisted overwhelming urge to go to the bar where he works to see him and sob so that's a positive. Fuck me this is vile.
Been watching a lot of judge judy. I like the way she tells gobshites that they are vile. The problem with my current situation is that I'm spending a lot of time alone. Wish all of my friends would give up their jobs and come and sit with me and fan me down. Iv got plans all weekend though so hopefully that will be better. Also been left right in shit street financially since I don't have his (pitiful) money coming in so iv organised some work on the side being an extra in hollyoaks. Mad isn't it. Going to be hanging around the hollyoaks hunks and even that can't excite me. Are there even any hunks in hollyoaks? Don't even watch it. Be my luck to get there and it be full of geriatric fat men that piss themselves. I'm sure they do a fit blokes off hollyoaks calendar though so here's hoping.
Weight plummeting. This raises a small smile. Gonna drop another Valium and go to bed soon as Thursday has royally sucked sweaty arse x
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Ciggies - 15
Drugs anti d and Valium
Food intake 1x muesli 1x ice cream 5x grapes 2x bottles of sprite
Swerved work again today. Reckon I need a few days to regroup. Woke up this morning feeling very sad. I hate waking up alone. I spent the majority of my 20s single. It was fun flitting about off on holiday all the time and having boy fun but looking back it appears it was basically
Full of twats messing me around. The big 30 is winking at me menacingly now.
I'm ready to settle down now
With a nice normal grown up man with a proper job and a bank account and intelligence. Where the fuck is he?! My ex told me id never get anyone else. He said id find people that want to fuck me and that's it. Think he might be right.
My exs mum has deleted me off facebook. That hurt. She had always been supportive of me in the past as he had threatened her before and also attacked his sister. She hasn't been supportive this time. I think he must have spoken to her before I had a chance to. God knows what he's telling people. I put photos up of me out on Saturday night and my black eye was clearly visible. People then obviously started commenting and I'm wondering if she saw the comments and couldn't take it. Who knows anyway but I feel like he's making out it's my fault.
Decided to leave the house so went down to otterspool. Fucking 30p extra for a flake in my 99er!! Sat by the river and started to hear Ella Henderson "ghost" in my head. Concluded I was a sad act and returned home to the sofa. Resisted overwhelming urge to go to the bar where he works to see him and sob so that's a positive. Fuck me this is vile.
Been watching a lot of judge judy. I like the way she tells gobshites that they are vile. The problem with my current situation is that I'm spending a lot of time alone. Wish all of my friends would give up their jobs and come and sit with me and fan me down. Iv got plans all weekend though so hopefully that will be better. Also been left right in shit street financially since I don't have his (pitiful) money coming in so iv organised some work on the side being an extra in hollyoaks. Mad isn't it. Going to be hanging around the hollyoaks hunks and even that can't excite me. Are there even any hunks in hollyoaks? Don't even watch it. Be my luck to get there and it be full of geriatric fat men that piss themselves. I'm sure they do a fit blokes off hollyoaks calendar though so here's hoping.
Weight plummeting. This raises a small smile. Gonna drop another Valium and go to bed soon as Thursday has royally sucked sweaty arse x
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Wednesday, 23 July 2014
Feel like fucking shite
Weds 23rd July
Cigarettes 27
Drugs 1x Valium and 1x anti depressant
Food intake 1x bowl of muesli, 1 x slice of toast 5x grapes 5x cans diet coke
It's been 7 days since the man I loved pinned me down, spat in my face and in doing so kneed me in the face causing a rather spectacular shiner.
I'm fucking livid over the whole debarcle
Iv spent the last week richoceting between uncontrollable anger and dark deep despair!
I'm not going to go into vivid detail of the whole incident in this entry because quite frankly I am boring the shit out of myself talking about it but the upshot of it is he has moved out of my house and under bail conditions not to contact me.
Today is day 7. It's been quite shit to be honest. The suns pissing me off for a start. I want it to be raining and miserable so I can lie on the sofa staring at the telly pretending to watch it and looking dramatic and forlorn out of the window with a depressing musical overlude playing. Instead I can't seem to control the urge to tidy the fucking house.
Iv never had a tidy house. It's always been sort of chaos on account of my busy hectic lifestyle of being fabulous. But then I moved my fella in and while I failed miserably at being a domestic goddess while he was here, now he's gone I can't stop fucking hoovering.
Something has gone drastically wrong In my life.
This is not the first time he has been arrested for assaulting me. And I am damn fucking sure he's put his hands on my for the last time. However there is some sort of gremlin in my stomach whispering "you miss him!" Everytime I have a quiet moment. Which today has been a lot. The proper singlegalabto would have dismissed that gremlin as a pathetic whiney gobshite yet somehow I have become said pathetic whiney gobshite. Must stop being a fanny with immediate effect.
Xxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Cigarettes 27
Drugs 1x Valium and 1x anti depressant
Food intake 1x bowl of muesli, 1 x slice of toast 5x grapes 5x cans diet coke
It's been 7 days since the man I loved pinned me down, spat in my face and in doing so kneed me in the face causing a rather spectacular shiner.
I'm fucking livid over the whole debarcle
Iv spent the last week richoceting between uncontrollable anger and dark deep despair!
I'm not going to go into vivid detail of the whole incident in this entry because quite frankly I am boring the shit out of myself talking about it but the upshot of it is he has moved out of my house and under bail conditions not to contact me.
Today is day 7. It's been quite shit to be honest. The suns pissing me off for a start. I want it to be raining and miserable so I can lie on the sofa staring at the telly pretending to watch it and looking dramatic and forlorn out of the window with a depressing musical overlude playing. Instead I can't seem to control the urge to tidy the fucking house.
Iv never had a tidy house. It's always been sort of chaos on account of my busy hectic lifestyle of being fabulous. But then I moved my fella in and while I failed miserably at being a domestic goddess while he was here, now he's gone I can't stop fucking hoovering.
Something has gone drastically wrong In my life.
This is not the first time he has been arrested for assaulting me. And I am damn fucking sure he's put his hands on my for the last time. However there is some sort of gremlin in my stomach whispering "you miss him!" Everytime I have a quiet moment. Which today has been a lot. The proper singlegalabto would have dismissed that gremlin as a pathetic whiney gobshite yet somehow I have become said pathetic whiney gobshite. Must stop being a fanny with immediate effect.
Xxx
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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